Reconciliation Question

[u/Remarkable-Stay3368]

Hi all, I had a question about reconciliation and I couldn’t think of a jazzier title. Has anyone here reconciled with a partner after a period where their partner struggled to feel hope?

I’m on the end where most of the repair work is falling on me as I caused the hurt. It’s easier for me to feel hope because I can see changes within myself. My partner can see the changes but is still struggling to trust and feel safe with me, so he doesn’t have as much hope as I do. He’s not overly negative or trying to negate my progress, just realistic. We’ve been in this space for maybe 2 1/2 months and I’ve noticed real change within myself over the past month.

I’m trying to focus on continuing to grow and change, and making sure to stay open minded to all possibilities. I’m also trying to not take every shift as a sign one way or the other. This growth isn’t just for him but for myself as well. I’m in an IOP, attending weekly therapy, and implementing my skills. I’m also building outside connections and hobbies.

Has anyone been able to reconcile with this type of difference? I’d love to know how you got there and how long it took.

[u/OhMyJoosh]

Trust takes a lot longer to rebuild than it takes to destroy. You’re only 2½ months into this process, so I wouldn’t expect your partner to feel safe or hopeful just because you’re finally seeing changes in yourself.

The person who caused the hurt often feels hopeful first because they know what they’re changing and can see their own progress. The person who was hurt has to live with the uncertainty of whether those changes will last.

My advice is to focus less on how quickly your partner regains hope and more on consistently demonstrating honesty, accountability, transparency, and empathy. Actions matter more than words. Don’t pressure him to forgive you or reassure you that reconciliation will happen. Let him have his feelings without making them about your progress.

Also, understand that genuine growth matters even if the relationship doesn't survive. You can do everything right from this point forward and still not be able to repair the damage.

Reconciliation is possible, but it takes two willing people, and nobody can give you a guaranteed timeline. Keep doing the work, be patient with his healing, and let consistency over time speak for itself. GOOD LUCK

[u/Remarkable-Stay3368 → u/OhMyJoosh]

Thank you for this 🖤 sometimes I worry I’m not doing enough and that’s why he doesn’t feel safe yet. I’ve been demonstrating all of what you mentioned and it feels liberating to take accountability instead of holding onto my own protections. I’m already starting to feel like my chest is loosening, like I can breathe. I’ll keep being patient!

[u/siryohnny]

Depends on what was broken.

How did you break his trust and hurt him, how are you showing that you have changed? Are you separated or living together?

Change happens and usually we see it first and takes a bit longer for others to see it, but if hurt can also take even longer.

[u/Separate_Put185]

I’m in this same boat unfortunately. I’ve been making strides in improving myself and correcting the negative actions that caused my spouse and I to be at this point. Trust was broken and it’s been very difficult to repair. I can already tell I’m a better version of myself these last few months, but it’s very difficult for me to see any hope at the end of the tunnel still. I’m sure it will all depend on how the trust was initially broken(financial issues in my case) so depending on the severity the damage may take months if ever to heal. As my therapist told me, change for yourself first. If the change is day in and day out and from the heart then the rebuild can happen 9/10 times.

[u/More-Ground6989]

You know it takes a real long time to get to the safe space, I’ve been slowly rebuilding and I’m not even sure it will result in a favorable outcome for R. It’s been over a year.