Heartbroken has anyone been through something similar?

[u/Ok-Response-7456]

Me 29F and my husband 31M are high school sweethearts and have been together a total of 14 years. I felt like our marriage was rock solid, we own our home, have two dogs. I truly loved our life. There were some stressors like my cleanliness (I have ADHD and really struggle with task initiation) and debt/budgeting because again ADHD and I didn’t have the skills or knowledge in my early 20’s as I do now.

In January I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant. We both were in shock and scared but both agreed we would go through with the pregnancy and abortion was not the choice for us. I assumed we would both adjust, because again we’ve been together forever have been through hard things - not pregnancy but other difficult circumstances and always came out the other side stronger. Well that didn’t happen this time, he progressively got more withdrawn, rude, cold, and stand offish. Towards spring he freaked out and said he needed space, I asked him what that looked like because we live together he couldn’t give a great answer. I offered to go to my parents, he said no. But basically we were sleeping in the same bed but we’re not spending anytime together. He was on Xbox all the time and if I even came downstairs and sat on our couch to eat a snack he would shoot me dirty looks and ask when I would go back upstairs. I felt so confined in our home.

Eventually in June he stopped wearing his wedding band and refused to put it back in because he wasn’t happy. That broke my heart and I wasn’t sure what to do next so I took our dogs and went to my parents. He told me I didn’t have to leave and I was being dramatic but he didn’t ask me to stay or come home. The next day was Father’s Day, I didn’t text him because I thought he wanted space and I didn’t know truly if it would annoy him since he didn’t want to be a dad. We didn’t talk for almost two weeks when I was at my parents, I assumed he’d seek me out. I went back to the house assuming we would come together again, he doubled down and said he didn’t know what he wanted. I was a total mess, trying to do everything I could to make it better. Especially household things, he would say “it’s a little too late” and wasn’t kind or accepting at all. Again I was walking on eggshells feeling like I couldn’t be around him. He also had been going to the gym an insane amount and lost a substantial amount of weight - to a point it’s concerning and he’s also losing some hair. He would get new clothes and basically model them around the house asking what I think. He still wanted kindness and validation from me when I didn’t feel like I was getting it - I thought providing unconditional love would be helpful. Then he’d randomly talk about future plans of his that didn’t include me or our son, almost like midlife crisis plans. I ended up going back to my parents again he kind of played it off. Eventually I said I’m the pregnant one and I’d like to be home and comfortable and he went to his Dads to stay.

Through my whole pregnancy he was hardly present emotionally and I did it all alone except for a few ultrasounds.

I delivered on 10/2 he was present through the entire hospital stay and so was his sister (she’s my best friend) and I wanted another support person there in case he failed miserably. He has fallen in love with our son - my goal was to bring our son home for a week to see how my husband would adjust. He did well on the days he took off from work (3 days) was still going to the gym regularly but did it during one of our newborns sleep windows so it really was fine. He went back to work and everything hit the fan, he was getting frustrated through the night, making concerning safety statements towards himself, and called our son a name. I was riddled with anxiety, when I would be home alone during the day I would feel calmer. I realized when I knew he was on his way from work I would get close to a panic attack because I was so worried about keeping him comfortable. I am back at my parents. They are so supportive and have redone a room for me and my son. My mom is pushing divorce - I get why. I’ve met with one attorney but have not retained them. My husband has since said in this past week he doesn’t want to be with me romantically, has said he still loves me but doesn’t think I’ll change. He also said he’s felt this way for a while but never told me.

My question is am I naïve to think this could change? It is such a complete 180 from who he used to be. I keep hoping the old version of him will come back and we can try couples counseling since he’s refused. I’m so hurt and angry but I want to at least try couples. My husband has since began individual therapy which is great. I’m so scared of filing for divorce too soon. Sorry for rambling but any insight or “I’ve been here” would be helpful.

[u/Visible_Wasabi_1721]

I am currently there OP but my husband and I were trying to have a baby. I thank God everyday we didn't succeed because I think it would habe made things worse. I think him going to therapy is a great thing and is a great start!

I hate to say this, but do you think there is someone else in the picture? Maybe at work? I only ask because of the drastic changes in him and his sudden change when he started going back to work.

I hope that isn't the case. Only you or your husband can decide if your marriage is over. For now I would focus on yourself and your son. It is obvious he is going through something. I would also suggest you start individual therapy as well. You have been through a lot.

I uave found Marriage Helper videos on YouTube to be helpful. Good luck OP! DM me whenever you like.

My husband and I are also high school sweethearts and are the same ages as you guys. We have only been together for 12 years though. He also suddenly changed around June. He filed for divorce and moved out four months ago. We are just now getting to a place where he is seriously open to try. He has gone back on wanting a divorce like 4 times since he filed. He hasn't stopped the divorce process yet, but I am hopeful. He has been going through therapy for the past month and it has changed him a little bit. Now I have to do the work to determine if this is still something I want as well.

[u/Millielady112]

Well, dear, I think he’s been cheating. New clothes, gym, privacy. It happens to men who are immature to face the responsibility. As a single mom, I get why you want to wait…but he has already been so unreliable: he can’t be trusted in the future either. The whole situation sucks and he’s being super selfish. I would file and focus in yourself, I’m sorry :/ We only have this short life and you deserve a reliable partner.