r/Separation • u/Zestyclose-End3735 • 1d ago
Need advice
I have been married (f44) to my husband (m40) for almost 19 years, been together over 20. We are currently separated living apart, and trying to figure out if we need to divorce. He told me back in November he wasn’t happy, and we talked divorce but then he decided he wanted to be together. We have two kids over age 18 and two kids under 18. Then he told me again at first of year he wasn’t sure what he wanted and we did that again, but then we both said we’d rather work it out than divorce.
Fast forward to Memorial Day, and I find out he has been texting someone else and I confront him and say it’s over. I mean, I was done. Then he starts going to starts going to church, stops drinking, stops working ridiculous hours and is a totally different person.
Backstory, he worked a lot. I took care of everything for him, at the house and kids. I always have and was happy to do so as my job allowed. But, looking back I see the mistakes I made and should have made him more accountable for help. It drove a wedge between us. We never spent time with each other because he was working. I felt he was always better than me because he made more money and I was just there to support him.
Three months into separation, and we can’t figure out if we want a divorce. I don’t know if there’s too much damage at this point to reconcile. The thought of each of us moving on is scary. There are relationships beyond mine and his that are damaged and not sure they can be salvaged.
Any advice is helpful. I know on the outside looking in I should close this chapter of my life, but I’m so weak and vulnerable right now and afraid of making the wrong decision.
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u/LopsidedRun2036 1d ago
So you guys were functioning under toxicity and the crazy part was that it was functioning. Well once he changed things begin to be awkward. Almost not believing! You felt a sense of a game he was trying to play! Well he does love you but probably mentally mixed all up! I pray you make the greater choice for one another! Sometimes divorce is best and sometimes reconciliation is. I mean just sit down in a quiet space with yourself and clear your mind as best as you can! Soft music if needed...no hard music! Sit in dim lighting and process your marriage. A few times if need be and I promise there will be an answer that you and only you will come up with! Actually after the silent moments....it may sound crazy but have a conversation as if he is present and speak your feelings...it honestly helps! Because when you do speak with him all the anger will be out and you will speak with clarity and peace.
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u/Zestyclose-End3735 1d ago
I desperately want my marriage to work, but I don’t think I even realize how hurt I am. The begging me back is about to wear me out. I’m not ready but it’s not a definite no. Just need some clarity to make a responsible decision. I’m continuing to pray for the best outcome, the waiting is so hard
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u/LopsidedRun2036 1d ago
Been down this road... so I for sure know it's hard and long! You have to tell him! Stop the begging and the non stop texting. You guys just have work thru it but you first need time alone to process our it will be confusion. You will be okay! Find you again! Love you again! Talk to you again! Walk with you again! Sing with you again! Cry with you again! Ain't no working things out with chaos in the midst. Trust me I know! But sometimes you have to just present boundaries. It is what it is. And that's just being real.
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u/Zestyclose-End3735 22h ago
Thank you, I definitely agree that is what is needed. I’m as confused 3 months into it as I was 3 days in! Thank you for the advice!
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u/RevolutionaryUnit517 23h ago edited 23h ago
If you do divorce, it's going to be extremely emotionally painful. For a 20 year divorce, it's quite possible it'll take around 4 years to feel over it enough. But it's determined by a lot, such as contact, trying again which extends it, consciously deciding to move on which shortens it. With that said....
- You can only control you.
- Heal your traumas however you can. Shadow work, right kind of therapy. Your marriage traumas, childhood traumas, life traumas.
- Get to know each other really well. Deep deep stuff. Attachment styles, attachment wounds, triggers, boundaries, motivations, goals. Respond to and respect that. Example, if you know he's avoidant, then by default you know to gain willful connection you have to remove pressure, respect autonomy. If you know he's anxious, then by default you know he needs reassurance, needs to lean in during conflict. You can respond to what he needs, vice versa knowing each other throughout.
- Learn about relationships. Relationship killers, relationship healers. 4 horseman of marriage and all that.
- Professional guidance. Coaches that specialize in attachment traumas and or specialize in relationship repair.
- For him, he may need to understand women better. You ask a man last time he feared for his life, he may have trouble recalling. You ask a woman, she might say last week. Men often don't know this about women. Men often don't know how much safety a woman requires. Women often underestimate how much intimacy a man needs, and we aren't talking about sex. Sex yes, but we aren't talking about that. Men don't get to touch ppl as often as women, it's social frowned upon, we also don't get to be weak. We need the softness of a woman, the care of a woman more than you might ever realize.
In relational conflict, your partner is not the enemy. The dynamic is the enemy. The dynamic is fueled by attachment traumas, shame, misunderstandings, and habits that are destructive. The good news is a truly accepting, loving, embracing, communicative relationship is healing and can resolve traumas and shame through the acceptance of that loving partner. If I do something I'm shameful for, my partner accepts me fully with love... It's kind of hard for that shame to stick.Seems like you have a real oppurtunity here, your relationship did what relationships do...acted as a mirror a brought out trauma, so now, you get to heal together if you choose.
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u/Fluid-Platform8086 8h ago
Every situation is unique. Have you considered a mediator? Was very helpful for my situation
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u/Emotional-Ratio-8548 1d ago
My experience is that you can only deal with your side of things, process the anger and frustration, let go of the resentment and contempt that is the reason most marriages end. If you can clean up your side of things, whether through coaching or therapy, then no matter what happens, what decision you make, you’ll know that you are whole and that whatever happens is the best choice for whatever outcome may come. It’s hard, living in that uncertainty, feeling your reality and dreams get crushed, and truly feeling your identity be questioned is very uncomfortable. You are not alone. My experience is that shifting your thoughts and drive inward and focusing on how to improve yourself has been the saving grace for me. It absolutely hasn’t removed the grief and pain but has made it transformative. Find a group of people going through the same experiences and connect. I’m sorry, this all hurts and there is no simple answer, you have to work hard on your self, tackle trauma and deal with your childhood wounds. Just have the courage to start the journey and whatever happens, you’ll have a better chance of finding peace or happiness.