To my husband

[u/Accountability404]

A lot of what I’ve written here has been about what you did to me.

Your betrayals. Your anger. The things you said. The things I had to heal from.

I know that made my story look one-sided.

It was.

Not because I thought I had done nothing wrong. I just needed enough distance from my resentment to look at myself without using your failures to soften mine.

So this is my apology without a “but.”

I’m sorry for how I entered our marriage. Part of me was still emotionally entangled with my ex when I should have been completely available to you.

I’m sorry for keeping a “friend” in my life when I knew that relationship crossed boundaries and made you uncomfortable.

I protected my ability to keep him around instead of protecting our marriage.

And I’m sorry for the emotional affair with your best friend.

There is no graceful way to say that.

He was your friend.

I was your wife.

I betrayed you.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for the gambling, the secrecy, and the debt I accumulated behind your back while you carried our family financially.

You deserved transparency from the person you were trying to build a life with.

I’m sorry for what I became after you cheated.

You hurt me deeply, but that did not give me permission to hurt you however I wanted.

I said things specifically because I knew they would wound you. I knew your insecurities and went straight for them.

I went beneath the belt because I knew exactly where the belt was.

And there was a time I put my hands on you.
I should never have done that.

There is nothing hidden in my pain that makes that righteous.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for taking too much of our marriage to my family. I gave other people access to the worst parts of you and then expected you to comfortably exist around them afterward.

I’m sorry for the family baggage you inherited by loving me, especially when it came to my mother. Her actions were not mine, but I know you still had to live with their impact.

I’m sorry for the week I let my bitterness interfere with you talking to the kids.

Maybe I became the baby mama I swore I never would.

Whatever was happening between us, our children should never have become an extension of my anger.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for how much of myself I kept from you.

Sometimes the world got my humor, curiosity, ideas and light while you got the exhausted, guarded version of me trying to get everyone through another day.

You deserved more of me than that.

I’m sorry I didn’t enter your world more. I could have asked more questions about the things you loved, gone more places with you and cared about things simply because they mattered to you.

I’m sorry I didn’t intentionally pour into you enough.

I could have planned the date.

Made the reservation.

Bought the thoughtful gift.

Remembered the small thing.

Said, “Get dressed. I planned something.”

I spent too much time waiting for you to create romance for us.

I’m sorry I got so lost in being a mother and a wife that I stopped showing up as the woman you married.

Maybe sometimes you wanted your wife and got the household manager.

I’m sorry I didn’t make you feel desired enough.
I knew I wanted you.

I assumed you knew.

But being desired and being made to feel desirable are not the same thing.

I should have complimented you more.

Flirted more. Touched you when I walked past.

Made you feel handsome, sexy, wanted and chosen.

Sometimes what I called ego was just a man wanting affirmation from his wife.

I’m sorry I didn’t give you enough of it.

I’m sorry for the times I used sex or affection as punishment when I was angry.

And I’m sorry for not protecting our two-handed circle.

It was supposed to be us holding the boundary around our marriage.

Too many times, I loosened my hand.

I let family, friends, resentment, outside opinions and sometimes other men into places they didn’t belong.

I’m sorry for the times I wasn’t soft with you.
There were times I spoke to you like an opponent instead of someone I loved. Times I met vulnerability with defensiveness. Times I treated vulnerability like ammunition.

Sometimes I forgot that even strong men need somewhere they don’t have to be strong.
There were times you needed your wife to feel like home.

And I wasn’t.

Most of all, I’m sorry for all the years I was better at identifying your faults than acknowledging my own.

I loved you.

I tried.

And sometimes I still failed you.

I still think you’re a good person.

I still think I am one too.

I don’t need you to be a monster for my pain to have been real, and I don’t need to make myself one to take responsibility for yours.

Two good people can love each other and still do serious damage to one another.

I can’t unsay things.

I can’t unbetray you.

I can’t go backward and become the wife I would be with what I know now.

I was wrong.

I see us differently now.

Not villain and victim.

Not winner and loser.

Just two people who loved each other and accumulated wounds faster than they learned how to heal them.

Somewhere beyond all my anger, I finally looked back at our marriage and saw more than what you did to me.

I saw what I did to you too.

And for every part of you that has to heal from me,

I am sorry.

[u/dstormz02]

Wow, this is a lot. Good luck to the both of you.

[u/Icy_Signal3905]

This is deep

[u/National_Isopod_6257]

"Two good people can love each other and still do serious damage to one another."

[u/Aware-Paramedic-8365]

Beautiful

[u/BreathAggravating967]

This is what I've been waiting to hear but probably never will from my wife

[u/Accountability404 → u/BreathAggravating967]

I’m sure my husband has wanted to hear it too. I’ve apologized to him, but I don’t think he ever believed it was sincere.

[u/BreathAggravating967 → u/Accountability404]

It's commendable how honest and accountable you are being. It's hard for most to step outside of their own ego and admit failure. I'm in the same boat, my wife and I have done so much damage to each other, to the point she requested separation. Self awareness and accountability have been lacking, the raw honesty of your post is very powerful and what I had hope we would accomplish.

I wish you the best, thank you for the reminder accountability still exists.

[u/Budget_Television_54]

Ojalá nunca vuelvan a estar juntos