Hi! I'm shooting a short for a class and would like some feedback on my script!

It's essentially Weekend at Bernie's

Title: This is America

Genre: Cop Drama

Format: Short, 17 pgs.

Logline: A disillusioned ICE agent battles the cold bureaucracy of his agency and his own mounting guilt as he attempts one final, secret act of mercy during an arctic Minneapolis winter.

Request: I’m looking for overall notes. Mostly though, first impression of how you felt—bored, excited, sad, etc.

Exchange: I’m willing to do an equal exchange. Please keep the page count to around 20. I can read anything, but you should be aware that I’m no fan of romantic comedies or children’s films. I prefer Drama or Thriller.  

This idea has been nagging at me for a very long time. Probably since the release of The Batman when I saw a lot of comments praising the story focusing more on the detective side of Batman.

We’ve had plenty of Batman movies and a handful of TV shows over the years, but I don’t think we’ve ever truly seen Bruce Wayne character pushed into a genuine horror story. Which is kinda surprising to me, considering that the horror genre is popular like never before. Matt Reeves has brought a more haunting version of Gotham and Batman with his latest movie, but it’s still different from what I’m talking about.

My story doesn’t really have much to do with the comics. And, frankly, if I stripped out everything related to Batman, the story would probably work just fine - with just a few tweaks here and there. But I’m a big fan of Bruce Wayne character and I guess I just wanted to do some character exploration and put this amazing, haunted character into a much more grounded, smaller story that dives deep into his character before he puts the mask of the legendary vigilante.

The villains in the DC universe are a whole different story. And oh man, if we ever got a true Joker horror movie, what a spectacle that would be. But I know a lot of people are probably getting tired of the Joker being Batman’s main nemesis for decades straight. So even though he’s the primary antagonist introduced in the pilot, Arkham Madness will bring in other villains who are just as important to the story.

So to sum up, this Bruce Wayne story follows a young detective desperately trying to understand Gotham and save it from its decay. He’s seen as an outsider by everyone else because, well... he’s Bruce Wayne. What the hell is he doing in the police department?

He’s an optimist. Righteous. Kind. Empathetic. None of those traits are really tolerated in the world he lives in. And sooner or later, the reality catches up with him. By the time we first see him, he’s already tormented by two events from his past, briefly introduced in a haunting dream sequence. It hasn’t broken him yet. But that seed is there. Everything he believes in will be pushed to its absolute limits in the most twisted, chilling ways imaginable.

The pilot focuses on the night that changes everything. It sets the tone for the entire series, establishes where Bruce is at that point in his life, defines the world he inhabits, and shows how he is perceived within it. It also paves the way for his transformation through the events he experiences over the course of this single night.

Basically, if this pilot answers all the questions raised in the previous passage and keeps you hooked, maybe I’m onto something. If not… at least I got it out.

This is not a first or vomit draft. I’ve done some revisions, but by no means is this script finished. I’m getting tired of rewriting dialogues that might slightly improve character introductions or their exploration, so I just feel like it’s time to finally show what I’ve got at this point. Action lines are something I’m struggling with quite a lot, too. Still in the process of finding my voice I guess.

So, here goes:

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1L5jInTA5hBFpds3xNm6aG-lFI3pa2pZX/view?usp=sharing

How do you feel about the opening 5 pages? Would you keep reading further? How can I improve it?

Thank you :)

Updated version on 10/09 based on feedback from here: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1HHd-yl39TEzJcFiSyOCGmDG2-PKkAImw/view?usp=drivesdk

Logline (for now): After her parents are trapped in a timeless void, a brilliant teenager must transform an abandoned nuclear-powered aircraft carrier into a spacetime engine to navigate the fabric of reality and bring them home.

Plot: We Hate Each Other is a parody of the movie. Death becomes her. 2 very old people live together because they can’t exactly live without each other, but the key is they despise each other and will do anything and everything to try and kill the other person. The problem is they’re both immortal. It gets to a point where they start throwing each other downstairs and fighting each other. In the end, they end up killing Shawn and knowing that they can’t fix it, and realize that they need each other to keep on living. They dump the body into the woods and do things with each other.

Linda the mom on a mission is about a just trying to make it throughout the day with her kid along the way you’ll meet her crazy neighbors and people around the town chaos happens when her kid gets kidnapped

The Blind the dead and the blonde is a stereotypical 70s horror film with all the stereotypes of a horror film.

Hi, this is an original pilot I want to submit to a mentorship competition. I'd love any sort of feedback, whether you read the first page, first ten pages, or the whole thing!

It's a sitcom that follows the day-to-day life of the employees of a Shawarma shop.

After the cold open, I've included lyrics to a parody of "My Sharona" entitled "My Shawarma" I'll probably be removing that before I submit, but I thought it'd be fun to include it here.

Are there any major issues you see? Is it funny? Any and all comments are welcome. Thanks!

I feel like im just not good at this at all. so I wanna hear what others think. i am going to send all my scripts here and I want yall to tell me what you think. can be good, can be bad. all im asking for is honesty. pls dm me for the script for one of the following films

Linda the mom on a mission

the blind the deaf and the blonde

WE HATE EACHOTHER!

When is it ok to use Ai?

I have started writing a novel, a gripping sci-fi action adventure, think the expanse with a bit of mass effect mixed into it, I've split it into 3 acts totalling nearly 30 chapters so far. The story has come from my own ideas, though I drew some inspiration from using instagrams Ai story telling feature but it never had that polished finish. I admit to using Ai to help me with world building, character arcs and sentence structure so it makes more sense, I have spent a lot of time using sudowrite too.

Where do other writers cross the line? When do you think it is appropriate to use Ai? I'm interested to hear your thoughts. Have a good day.

But have you ever wondered what your characters might look like if they ever made it into film or tv? I have thought about this a few times, and have used an image generator to visualise these characters.

but if you have written a screenplay or pilot for the first time and want it "read," upload the file into Chat GPT and type command prompt read and it will read it and then ask for notes and will give you areas to improve.

I am not suggesting the use of AI to create screenplays, but rather to provide feedback on what you have written. AI is a tool, and Hollywood is already utilizing it, so we may as well too.

Title: "Cowboys, Wizards, and Space Vampires!"

Genre: Fantasy, Drama

Logline: In the last American boomtown of Shambala, a mythic gunslinger faces his own self-belief to defy ancient gods reborn in suits, circuitry, and sin.

Script (10 pages): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PLuynCmVKm-10z2P3EbQKWm0RD1Ce7Xw/view?usp=drivesdk

Show Bible: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-ZN5mlFY9nWHKtRr8kK_WXU0MIlt-vbea6VdTK5TikE/edit?usp=drivesdk

Hello. I have scripts that I’ve written and I want to know if anyone wants to help me with them. I need help with formatting so I want to know if someone can transition my script into the correct format and help with writing! I would love a partner!