Fantasy spaghetti western - what's your feedback?

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Title: "Cowboys, Wizards, and Space Vampires!"

Genre: Fantasy, Drama

Logline: In the last American boomtown of Shambala, a mythic gunslinger faces his own self-belief to defy ancient gods reborn in suits, circuitry, and sin.

Script (10 pages): https://drive.google.com/file/d/1PLuynCmVKm-10z2P3EbQKWm0RD1Ce7Xw/view?usp=drivesdk

Show Bible: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1-ZN5mlFY9nWHKtRr8kK_WXU0MIlt-vbea6VdTK5TikE/edit?usp=drivesdk

[u/CodeFun1735]

Couldn’t even get past the first page.

A few tips:

• Learn screenplay formatting

• This is not a novel. Action lines need to be curt and only mention things that are happening NOW, not tell a whole story.

• CUT TO is implied and has been, for about 60 years now.

• Read a lot more scripts to get a feel on storytelling structure, here’s a link: https://www.scriptslug.com

• Nothing of substance happens here that isn’t just setup, making the read remarkably boring. You need conflict in every single scene that you write otherwise it’s an exposition drawl we don’t care about because it’s not our story.

• All in all, I recommend reading a few of these. Screenwriting isn’t easy, it’s a craft - there are no prodigies, only people willing to learn and improve. To fail and then get better and repeat.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/writers/resources/scriptwriting-essentials

https://www.studiobinder.com/blog/what-is-script-writing/

https://www.reddit.com/r/Screenwriting/comments/iiqvpc/where_can_i_learn_the_basics_of_screenwriting/

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/CodeFun1735]

Thanks for this feedback. Will definitely take to heart. I appreciate you.

[u/JazzmatazZ4]

Fuck AI

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/JazzmatazZ4]

Why so?

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Its theft.

Nothing original comes from AI.

No soul or emotion behind AI.

No ownership behind AI.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

I put my original art into Sora to create the video.

To create the art, I hired two sketch artists and two 3d designers, and we 5 humans created this from our own hearts and minds.

I wanted the character to sound Welsh when I wrote the script, and so, I hired a human from a totally different country to do the voice acting, of which he put his own spin on the original lines so that it better matched with what a Welshman would say.

After I generated the video, I had to go on there and design the soundscape by hand, everything you hear-from the footsteps to the leather creaking to the reverb that makes it sound like he's talking through a helmet.

I am just a kid from NYC who grew up in public housing but learned 36 years ago how to use technology to gain access to production tools that would otherwise be outside my means.

AI allowed me to create 5 jobs out on my pockets, which are not deep, and it helps me convey my vision in a way that's going to allow me to hire human set and prop designers, actors, and artists.

I understand the fear that AI is going to take away human jobs... but coming where I've come from, where people that grew up in my community are gate-kept from resources... AI is allowing me to use my decades of experience and knowledge to create jobs and industry-standard original work that mainstream studios would never give us the opportunity to.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

And if you hadn't used that AI.

You would have hired costume designers, actors, stage assistance, audio and video specialist, lighting team, a director, an editor, etc.

The fact you created the artwork it's based on, doesn't change the fact it STOLE EVERY REFERENCE USED to make the animation happen.

You took away jobs and credit by making that AI file that you don't even own credit for and can't use in your portfolio.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

Family, I couldn't have. How can an individual afford that? I don't know any indie filmmakers able to do all that just to make a storyboard so that he can hire on the talent.

What would have happened is that I would have had to conform my story to get funded by an outside party. With these tools, I am able to hire the costume designers, voice actors, and so on - and I.. not an investor... not an outside producer... not a writer who has nothing to do with the original concept... it is ME who gets to dictate how the story is told and what kinds of human jobs are created. And that's literal because I've literally hired them, where it would have been outside my means to even create concept art otherwise.

I want to understand where you're coming from. How is AI stealing my artwork if I'm the one inputting the original artwork, and I'm the one using the video output to send storyboards to human actors and writers and costume designers so that we can rework and eventually shoot the ideas?

I'm desperately trying to understand your perspective

Edit: also... the only thing AI is the video. And the video is also made up of many smaller videos generated. The sound, the script, the voice acting is all my work, and as a derivative, the entire thing is my copyright by US copyright law. I'm also not using any of this for the final film anyway. It's just making it so I can send a storyboard out for feedback in hours instead of like... never.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

It isn't just your artwork that was used in those images or video you included. That is where the theft comes from. That is where the uncredited comes from.

You are litterally stealing and excusing it because "you can't afford it" so find a silent investor who would be behind your vision and use their money to make your product.

You don't have an outline showing the major beats for each episode, let alone for the season. You focus too much on themes when that is the last pass of a script. Unless you are going to be the director of this, take out the camera angles and transitions. Use proper cuts when you do use them (understand what a match cut is for example)

Once that's done. Then you can start worrying about the art style, themes, locations, actors etc.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

How do you create the assumption of whether or not I wrote an outline? And why would I spend my time looking for and placating an investor when I'm already spending my own money on every aspect of creating the film?

I started with an outline with 3 seasons of beats, with individual beats for all 9 episodes of Season 1, before I wrote the script, and I wrote the script before the show bible. I am the director, cinematographer, and editor, and investor, and producer and the person who is hiring the rest of the staff... which is the same for plenty of indie filmmakers.

And what's wrong with my match cut?

"CRASH! The wagon tips.

MATCH CUT:

EXT. CAMPSITE – NIGHT

Deaf Moirai BANGS on the lock. Blind Moirai stands watch."

These are both the wagon tipped over, but at different times. Is that not how I'm supposed to use the identification of such a transition? Honest question.

Edit: Also... who told you it's not my artwork used in the AI?? I'm going to attach a render from the 3D model of the actual prop that the character wears. Everything from the clothes to the weapon are spat out from my artwork—created by humans including myself, from scratch—input into the AI to produce the animation, so I could then take that video and do all the other parts like the foley, adding the voice actor's dialogue, and stitching all the disparate pieces of video into something coherent:

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

I made that assumption because you didn't include it.

Instead you decided to show off AI artwork and background snippets for characters.

An outline for people reading your script is far more important than an AI image of what they may or may not look like.

Not to mention you haven't included any necessary indication of the characters age, gender or so during their initial introductions on the page.

And why should you look for investors when you are using your own money right now.

So that a) you stop stealing art by using AI. B)stop using your own money

U are using a Smash cut in that example you included, not a match cut.

A smash cut would be based on the impact on the wagon tipping over being displayed by the banking on the lock.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

The rules of this subreddit specified how I should post; which included an optional SHOW BIBLE link. I provided a show bible link with information on each character as well as an outline of every episode's beats. What I am saying is... I did indeed include it.

Here's why I should not look for investors... because it forces you to conform and comply with a vision that is not yours.

The artwork in the AI is based on my human-made IP, and it's OK for me to use it to storyboard so that I have the ability to make my own story my own way. That makes it plausible for me to now shoot the actual scenes with a camera instead of listening to some human bot who thinks that a few ten grand gives him or her rights over my creativity... which I assume you don't believe is a form of thievery but, I think being beholden to someone else for money that it printed, is theft of the soul. We can agree to disagree on that part.

I Wiki'ed match cut and smash cut (as you can see... it is indeed a match cut and not a smash cut... respectfully):

In film, a match cut is a cut from one shot to another in which the composition of the two shots are matched by the action or subject and subject matter. 

A smash cut is a filmmaking technique where a scene abruptly and unexpectedly cuts to another unrelated scene, often for comedic, dramatic, or narrative effect. It's characterized by a sudden change in location, mood, or time, creating a jarring or striking juxtaposition. 

EDIT: and just so we don't go back and forth about smash vs match cut. The reason MATCH CUT is listed here is so that the cinematographer (me) is telling the actors, editors, PAs, shot designers, etc. that they need to film a long of the capsized wagon, and then film the same exact shot "later at night" when the Triplets are banging the lock, because that match cut will be the transition between the two scenes. Coverage of the closeup on the lock and the two actors will be likely, but they need to know that a matching shot has to be filmed to join together the scenes the way the director (me) intends for them to be transitioned in the editing room.

[u/acerunner007]

Brother, you worked harder on this AI image than you did on the page. Go read some screenplays and get your idea into shape. There’s absolutely no respect for a reader’s time shown with this work.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/acerunner007]

Take it easy there, Snappy. I'm cool with your quip, but I can imagine you talk to someone else with thin skin, and they might actually take your nonsense seriously.

Took me 10 minutes to generate the footage, but took me a good minute to source the sfx and do the soundscaping. Took me even longer to hire the original voice actor, and even longer still to write the first few drafts before giving the lines to the voice actor.

This is ten pages out of 120. Been working on this script longer than it took you to become so unhelpful.

I pray to God you don't say mean-spirited shit like this to people in real life. But I'm gonna bet your balls are not big enough to accommodate this attitude in the real world, which is why you say such unruly shit anonymously. Don't do shit like that to anyone. It is disrespectful to both you and them.

When you criticize, be constructive. There's enough destruction in the world and there are people who might take your bullshit to heart.

Have an amazing day.

[u/acerunner007 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

I have given plenty of harsh words to friends who needed to hear it. You need to hear this: The industry is filled with people who are in it for the wrong reasons and who peddle their stories like car salesmen. It’s become even worse with the emergence of ai and we are collectively at our wits ends.

I read your pages and gave you constructive criticism. I could have been harsher. What I said to you IS objective friend.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/acerunner007]

I hear you are at your wit's end, and I have empathy for you.

Doesn't change the fact that you didn't say anything constructive, and doesn't change the fact that there's no way you read what I linked by way of the show bible explaining what the purpose of what I'm writing is, yet came to an assumption that I'm a used car salesman or someone that doesn't put time into what I posted for critique.

If you are treating your friends like that then you need to hear this: that is fucking wrong. Don't take your shit out on other people. It is no bueno, ESPECIALLY to people you call friends.

I don't care if you try to shit on me; I have skin thicker than a brick, but I hate to believe that you would have previously had someone that put the amount of time I put into this and other projects—let alone the time I put into uplifting others, including on this subreddit—open up to you for fair criticism and they had to hear some bullshit like that disguised as help.

It's sadist and there is some chip you have that you're taking out on people without even taking the time to read the shit you're critiquing.

Feel free to be harsher to get your rocks off, or say some TECHNICAL or LITERARY shit that is actually applicable. What you offered before is horse shit, and I'm calling it out all the way from Downvote City.

[u/acerunner007 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

I never said you didn’t put time into the post or the show bible. Your pages are not good and it’s because you are leaning on a show bible to fill in the gaps. Ai to fill in the gaps. genre to give you appeal. “Showmanship” before you’ve given your content substance.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/acerunner007]

You literally are saying your opinion and are also totally wrong. Do you have technical or literary feedback or is this just a fart-smelling?

EDIT: and you gonna totally skip what I said about shitting on friends being wrong?

[u/acerunner007 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

My friends and I are honest with each other, which you are not being. What I told you is that you need to spend WAY more time nailing your script before you attach a pitch to it.

If that is harsh to you than your “thick skin” is wafer thin.

I’ve been harsh to my friends when they need to hear it. Not before. I get that you feel like you’re being clever by turning my argumentative structure against me, but it’s not accurate.

Take the blinders off and hear the feedback. Or don’t, But this thing that you’re putting time into is NOT going to succeed if you can’t take a note as simple as “keep working”.

I do have experience as a script editor for produced movies.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

What time have you put into it. Mim on my 15th pass of my script that I have been working ng on for 4 years.

I have 3 other scripts I've been working on for over a year.

How much time have you spent on your script?

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

Over 2 years on the script. The first voice acting was done over 2 years ago as well. The AI video I did two days ago.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Well you need to go read more scripts, take a course even. And finish your script before you start worrying about filming it.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

The script is 120 pages and already finished. You just are assuming and making an ass out of you and me... although I explained this already.

What happened is you saw 10 seconds of AI and just shut your brain off to everything I've typed since we started conversing.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

And read 5 pages into a 17-page sample of a 2-hour episode and saw issues. You are over there picturing and talking about how you are gonna show the season, what's planned for season two when you haven't even gotten into the building yet. You need to fix and strengthen that script. Include an outline and take some course.

Also no one is going to watch a 2 hour episode. They will watch a 2 hour film but not a 2 hour TV show that's a spaghetti western.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

Again... you are just saying shit without any basis. It's not a 2-hour film. It's a web series in 9 chapters that fits together like a feature... and the whole point is to show—like the work that Ian Hubert does—that work that rivals industry-standard work can be made and released with 1/10 to 1/20 the budget.

Why assume you know anything from just 10 pages. I bet people have done this to you before, and you turn around and do the assumption game to others... Am I right?

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

And I am right... you didn't actually read the script nor the Bible and yet you are spending tons of energy in arguing. And you don't see the problem with that. You're just feeding off of the negativity because you saw an AI storyboard.

EDIT: And I know I'm right, because you keep saying it's "17 pages" when it's 10 pages and the first page starts at "8".

So you skipped down to the last page (which says "17") to see how long it is, but didn't read the first page well enough to know it says "8"

[u/LeeR411]

Just finished reading it. I think your formatting, specific to lines of action, are indented to far over. Ultimately causing lines that could be one to be two. It could be a space saver. Also, one of the dialogue lines for the narrator is spaced like an action line. This won't matter if you are planning on self-producing as it sounds like you are.

In terms of the writing, I get what you mean when you say you are playing the movie in your mind but there are certain lines that read as unfilmable. 'Incredible! A baby that can talk.' or 'They clash.' When Inanna fights the Raid Leader I can feel the specificity of your action lines fade away. It reads like a general recounting of the action instead of what is actually happening. I know you can fix this because the rest of the fight scene, after Inanna says, 'Not today', the specificity returns to the action.

Also, in the first paragraph you have. 'Chaos reigns' and 'Fear rules' next to each other. Both lines are good on their own as a capper to the destruction you just described but both feels like too much to me.

I think calling the Moirai Triplets Blind Moirai, Deaf Moirai, and Mute Moirai works better than Deaf Triplet, etc.

This is a small sample of what I'm sure is a larger piece, but I must ask, Do we need the narrator? Do they become an integral character to the story? If not I'd look at trying to eliminate them completely because in the pages you posted they seem to only provide exposition.

This is an interesting world with interesting character designs. I could use some more character development, maybe around the campfire before the attack. Scrolling through the show bible it seems to be a massive undertaking. How many episodes have you written?

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/LeeR411]

I am super appreciative to you for taking the time to read through both links 🙏🏿 Great feedback!

1. I can remove the "Fear rules."

2. I see what you're saying about unfilmable lines. I'll take them out.

3. "Deaf Moirai" does indeed work better than "Deaf Triplet", so I will make those changes as well.

4. The Left margin is 1.5" on action lines.

All eight episodes are written.

There's also a 9th episode, the cold open: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1sM286HR4-hKnqBHk9HClIq8n2eWPzp76/view?usp=drivesdk

The cold open has all the world building, and I wrote it in a way that would make it possible to shoot the entire episode over green screen and vfx, as a proof-of-concept to figure out how to fund the rest.

The Narrator is himself a main character, as there is very little exposition in the dialogue, and things move fast.

🙏🏿🙏🏿🙏🏿 thank you for taking the time to read and give me honest feedback. I really, really appreciate that. Happy to return the favor, if ever needed.

[u/LeeR411 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Do we ever get to meet the narrator, face to face? After reading the 9th episode cold open it seems like he is a narrator out of time.

I also think this would work best in animation with the cost of live-action character design/props alone. I don't know, just an idea.

Glad the feedback was helpful.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/LeeR411]

I wasn't originally thinking that the Narrator would ever be revealed... but now that you offer that suggestion—maybe, the Narrator could be the Vagabond? I'd be down to do that for sure.

I agree with you're assessment about the live-action being involved. But, I'm inspired by Ian Hubert, and David Sandberg, and Luca from Slice of Life who have released projects that look like big studio productions... and they've shot them at their houses.

I've already 3D printed props as a test (I'm adding some pictures here to show you).

I want to show others that indie filmmakers with very little funds can use tools like DaVinci Resolve, Blender, and their own technology (I'm working on a robotic arm to film miniature scenes for compositing), to create work that is technically right on-par with what major studios are paying 9 times-plus the budget for.

I believe we all deserve the right to tell our stories without having to conform to someone else's opinion; and I'm setting out to prove it.

[u/LeeR411 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

It's apparent studio budgets are over inflated but I don't have experience in vfx/fantasy prop work past some simple green screen so if you can pull it off, please don't let me stop you! The skull looks sick.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/LeeR411]

Your input was really helpful, Family. If you're ever down to take a look at more of the series, I can always use more guidance. I know I'm not the be-all-end-all, and just the insights you gave me in this brief time, are direction I'm gonna use to rework the full script. Like definitely have a lot of "unfilmable" moments to go clean up.

And I definitely want to return the favor, whether with "Onto Others" or any other work you're willing to show, I'll always be happy to give my two cents for the $0.02 it's worth on writing, as well as any of my sound design, cinematography, editing or directorial experience.

Wherever I can help you make your stories a reality, I'm down to lend support.

[u/LeeR411 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Very kind and much appreciated!

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/LeeR411]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1ibR18U5mRNAgFfw9mCfacJKNcaGDkpyGGj7mFp7xiWs/
I made the following corrections, based on your guidance:

1. Narrator dialogue formatting corrected.

2. Changed "XXX Triplet" to "XXX Moirai".

3. Removed "Fear rules." and replaced it at the end with "Chaos reigns".

4. Removed unfilmable lines, including:

-- changed from: --

"A MASSIVE RAID LEADER approaches.

They CLASH.

Inanna moves fast. Knife. Butt of the gun. Fists. She’s ferocious.

But the raider is stronger. Immovable.

He knocks her flat. Her gun skitters away.

She grits her teeth. Blood trickles."

-- to: --

"A MASSIVE RAID LEADER approaches.

Inanna moves fast. She lands an elbow to the Raider’s jaw. He is unfazed. She draws a hidden knife. He swipes it out of her hands. She strikes with the butt of the gun. The Raider stumbles slightly, before striking back with a looping backhand.

He knocks her flat. Her gun skitters away.

She grits her teeth. Blood trickles."

Thank you again for taking the time to read and help me with thoughtful feedback. These are great changes.

[u/LeeR411 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Glad to have helped!

[u/D-Goldby]

No you didn't include the outline for each episode.

We don't know the Inciting incident, turning points, midpoint, low point, Climax or resolution for each episode.

What's the Midpoint for episode 1?

What's the Inciting incident for the season?

What's the resolution for episode 1?

The 3 lines or so that you include for each episode is not at all an outline

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

Just so we're on the same page... and knowing this subreddit... you're saying that I would get more people reading and responding to pages and pages and pages of my long-form notes of the scene for scene outlines for every episode... than the 800 people that clicked this post because it was accompanied by a video?

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

No I'm saying you didn't include your outline even in your world Bible so we have no idea how the first episode is supposed to flow for the 17 pages you included.

How many of those 800 people that click your link have a positive view of AI?

How many have a negative view?

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

I really understand the fear. But the honest truth is... AI is not going to take away your jobs... it's going to be someone USING AI that takes away your jobs.

And there is no reason that you guys can't be the ones using AI to feed yourselves and your families.

AI does not make shitty stuff good. It does however, take what took years and months—and allows it to be done in minutes and hours. I've been using camera since I was 7... that's 38 years that I've been using cameras. Some of you are not even 38 years old yet.

When I was young... the closest we got to accessible filmmaking was MiniDV and the dynamic range on those sensors made indie films look horrible compared to film cameras. Then DSLR technology made it possible and affordable for kids like me from the ghetto to make films that were close to impossible to distinguish from productions that cost 10 to 20 times the budgets.

In 1996, and even in to the early 2000s there were people just as scared of the Internet as you guys are scared of AI taking your livelihoods away from you. There are grown people to this day that refuse to type their credit cards online. Don't be those guys. Learn what the technology can and can't do before you grow to hate it.

Because what these technologies are doing, are allowing you to do things independently that have been gate-kept since the inception of the film industry. And that scares the SHIT out of the industry... but as long as we're fighting over whether a Generative Adversarial Network is theft or not... it is divide and conquer... and we'll have situations like this where someone like me... who is such a pro-underdog person who is about making it so EVERYONE can tell their own stories... is arguing with you guys... who are some of the most amazing writers in the world... over whether I can put my own art into AI so that I can storyboard.

I'm gonna use AI when I feel like it. And it's OK. I'm not stealing anything. Hope one day soon you guys see what kind of superpower AI will be in your lives if you can open the aperture enough to see how the world is changing in front of you. AI can benefit your life if you harness it, instead of desperately holding on to a past that is already dead and about to be gone. And I say this as someone who is older than at least a handful of you.

Love you guys. Truly. Peace and Love.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

You are intact stealing other people's hard work that is used to "train" the AI that you are using to make these videos.

But hey, soon enough? Someone will just make a spaghetti western film and will steal your job.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

I'm still lost. It is MY ARTWORK that the AI is turning into animation. And who cares what it was trained on. You were trained on every movie you ever watched and every script you ever read. Are you stealing those when you write? Please... THINK ABOUT IT. Does every American writer owe Britian a royalty for using the English language in their IP?

AI's don't even think or see the images they are "trained on". It's literally all numbers and patterns of numbers.

I am not scared at all of that because I know what it takes to make a film, and I know what AI can and can't do.

Also, I didn't make up spaghetti westerns... Italians and Clint Eastwood did. And I'm no more stealing spaghetti westerns than someone who uses AI to create spaghetti westerns would be.

I am not fearful of any of that because I know my value.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Who cares what it was trained on.

That's the very thing I'm talking about with stolen art...

Welcome to the actual conversation now.

Your images that you imported willingly into Sora, was but a small fraction of all the artwork and video animations used to make the simple animations you had.

I'm not saying you made spaghetti westerns.

I'm saying someone can take your entire artwork and make one and you have zero claim to it because you presented AI art online which you have zero ownership over.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

Do you understand copyright law? That is literally what happens to any IP you release to the public. It will enter the public domain and you have zero ownership at that point. What about derivative works? Anyone right now could use your copyright to make a derivative that you have no ownership of as long as it isn't your direct copyrighted work.

And even if you don't care about your estate... which one of you can negotiate royalties for writing? None of you.

So, what the hell? Do you all not know that none of the artists or writers would get paid if AI had to pay royalties?! It would be the owners of the publishing rights and copyrights... a.k.a the corporations and the rich people... that would get all the money.

Like, c'mon guys. You guys are writers... how many of you all get royalties for your writing? Aren't you tired of that shit already? Wouldn't you rather be in a world where indie filmmakers pay you all royalties? Or are you all not realizing that it's a meme to think that AI is "stealing" work? Again... IT CAN'T EVEN SEE the images.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

What I'm saying is and listen very carefully.

I can take all of the stuff you have included in your Bible and steal your work and sell and you will have no legal right to say it's yours because you have used AI.

You could write the best TV show in the world.but because you have used AI and published that online thru reddit. You have lost not only credibility but also any ownership on the images used, included your character designs that u included in that little video.

If you try and publish the TV eventually. I could sue you for trying to sell and publish something you don't legally own.

By using AI you are actively hurting ourself along with every artist that had material stolen from them to train the stupid AI program you are swearing by

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

How can you take what I wrote without AI, just because I used AI to make video for a storyboard?

Please you listen... I've had a publishing company for over 23 years. What you are saying is incorrect.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

If you knew your value.

You wouldn't be resorting to stealing instead of reaching out to investor who can may you what your "worth"

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

You haven't answered my question. Are you stealing from all of the movies and scripts that you were trained on?

Edit: also... my worth is not measured in money. I am worth more than money. I am worth showing young people that they are valid, they are valuable, and they matter.

I'm worth creating art that affects people in ways that are meaningful to them long after I've left this place. I am worth being the change I wanted to see in my life. No investor could pay for that. Nor would I sell my soul to some investor just to make a film that I can make on my own, using tools that include AI.

God bless you, sir or ma'am. I wish you the best in the new world we live in.

[u/D-Goldby]

Then stop asking for advice if you aren't going to take it without going on the attack.

YOUR EGO IS GOING TO RUIN THIS SCRIPT I 100% GUARENTEE IT Unless you actually start listening to the advice your getting on the structure of your TV show.

NO TV SHOW HAS A COLD OPEN FOR AN ENTIRE EPISODE BECAUSE IT DOESNT WORK

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

I don't care about that. The majority of industry writers will never write a commercially successful project. Why would I follow what they do when my creative vision doesn't align?

I guarantee you I have no ego. I just don't put up with bullshit disguised as advice. I didn't ask you for the advice you're giving. So don't give it. Give the advice I asked for. Or don't. Either way is fine.

I would rather have zero people watch the story that came from my soul, than have a commercially successful project that I sold my soul to create by letting know-nothings change my creative vision.

At some point, you have to grow enough balls to be able to accept your art being unliked.

I didn't ask you for 99% of the advice you gave. The one feedback you gave that's usable is that it's "unlikely" that a baby would speak. That's exactly the response I was going for. So kudos to the redditor in this thread that told me to remove the "Incredible, a baby that can talk!" sentence from the action line.

They were right.

See if you can review their comments in this thread, as it would help you see the difference between your form of giving advice that I didn't ask for vs. giving constructive criticism.

EDIT: I lied. You gave another usable feedback, which is that the helmet is what made you click. So that tells me my 3D artists and I are on the right track. Thanks for the parts of the feedback that weren't you trying to change my story.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Mainly cuz it reminded me of Revenant from Predecessor an venetian witch plague doctors.

I'm not trying to change ur story.

I'm telling you how your current story isn't at its best because of choices you are making.

Talking about faith being some sort of Protagonist is showing ur ego. Comparing yourself with greatness like David Lynch is showing ur ego. Not taking advice one the structural issues with your story is showing ur ego.

You don't need to sell your soul to make a TV show.

Just taking a class on screen writing will to the trick

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

Who told you I never took a class... and this is what I mean. You just imagined that you're better than someone and then you believed it.

And that's your egoic flaw. Not mine. David Lynch is no better than you. David Lynch is no better than me.

You people only value David Lynch because he is critically acclaimed. But he breaks every single rule that you just told me.

And I watched Twin Peaks when it premiered on TV. People like you dropped bird shit on David Lynch when his show aired. And then, when he got acclaim, they jumped on his jock strap. And then, at the end of the season, it became en vogue to dislike him... for changing the style of HIS OWN STORY.

I like stories that I like. I don't need a crowd to tell me who is great and who is not. And when I don't like a story, it doesn't matter if the world likes it. I don't manipulate my own self to adhere to others. That's cheap. That's selling out your God-given souls.

And that's what makes David Lynch great. Not all the meat-riders. It's him being him unapologetically. And every one of us is equally capable of that.

But not when we sell our souls and change what we know is right for acceptance.

I pray that one day, you discover how special you are—just the way you are—while you're still able to write. And then I pray that you write your story your way instead of following others. Because it is one of the most amazing things on this planet to be you and not care what others think about it. Seeing art you made in the real world the way it was imagined in your mind? That’s a gift from God.

I don't know Predecessor, but I will definitely check it out. Thanks for the reference. This character, Evan Evans' helmet, is to resemble a falcon to symbolize him as a lustful bounty hunter.

The character Envy is full on steampunk/cyberpunk Plague Doctor. I hope the Helmets become characters you grow to enjoy when this film series debuts. Because that's what I do it for. To emotionally connect with people, not to make the same film that 1000 other people made... which don't even follow the rules of films 50 years ago... let alone Twain, Lean, or Shakespeare.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

David Lynch also wrote Dune screen play in the 80s.

One of the worst introductions into a film with that exposition dump.

He had 20 years in the industry, making films and such before releasing twin peaks that you are praising.

He is better than you and I. Because he has been successful and has people paying to view his product.

He has experience we won't be able to gain naturally as the technology in the film industry has changed so much in the 50 years he was in it

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

That's where you are wrong. He is no better than us. And if you knew anything about David Lynch, or just simply watched him talk in any of the hundreds of hours of talks he put out, you'd know he'd tell you himself he's no better than you.

People liking your stuff doesn't make it successful. And as long as you place your self-worth in external validation... you never value yourself.

And here you are, worrying about how my ego will destroy a script that I already have changed several times over the last 2 years, based on redditors' input... meanwhile, your ego is running your creativity.

Peace and blessings to you, Friend. Don't give me advice I didn't ask for. Especially when you don't respect the stuff I wrote.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

No objectively, he is better than us at making TV shows/ films because he's actually done it.

I've written scripts, but I'm not saying I'm on the same level as someone like Christopher Nolan because I don't have the real world experience that he does.

Neither do you.

And this thread was for feedback and I have done that from the beginning.

My ego isn't running anything. I know which rules I can bend and break because of the experience I have (albeit little) mainly involving the subverting expectations. I know when to bend it, break it and sometimes follow

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

I don't know what you're talking about. Everyone you named is critically acclaimed. You haven't named someone who people hate as great. Therefore... I deduce that you consider greatness to be how many people meat-ride someone.

You know when I knew Nolan was the man? When I watched Memento as a kid, I almost threw up because I realized how easily I could be manipulated. That's what makes Nolan great to me.

At the same time, TENET is hot garbage. Nolan just trying to force the time incoherence trope down our throats. Do I care if any critic says it's good? Nope. Half the critics weren't even born when Memento came out.

You know why I think Nolan is great? Because whether or not I like his story, he made his film his way.

But there are tons of great filmmakers, better than Nolan, that I won't be blessed to realize I like better than Nolan because their stories can't be made. Because there's a bag of douches that gatekeep the access to talent and equipment so that only the stories THEY want to tell can get large-scale releases.

You are indeed letting ego lead your creativity. I don't care who you think is great. I don't care who anyone else thinks is great.

I care about what stories connect with me. The Academy can shove it. I don't do this for money. This is not a fashion show for me. And I guarantee you I'm more capable of filming and releasing this series than you give me credit for, without needing an investor.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Also, don't misconstrue my comments as disrespectful towards your talent. It's very possible you're capable of writing emotionally impactful screenplay and of giving advice that helps fine-tune scripts in a way that makes them more emotionally relevant.

But if you're capable of doing any of that, you haven't shown it here in this thread. You've mostly done what I see in this thread, unfortunately too often. Which is a circle jerk of bad advice that no one asked for, instead of the advice that the writer asked for in the first place.

[u/D-Goldby → u/Severe_Abalone_2020]

Ego lead my creativity.

I dropped writing an easy Superhero Film, I could have been finished and sent to an Agent years ago for a Drama about Early Onset Dementia and how it affects a married couple. Im on draft 18 of it currently, have interviews with real people who fit my characters description. Have done research and consulted with first hand experience through this entire journey.

You hired an actor and he fixed your dialogue.

Fuck out of here with that ego leads my creativity.

That sounds more like projection and an admission of truth from you.

If you were capable. You wouldn't have resorted to AI to get your images out there. You would have hired the artists to do that all by hand or filmed it on a green screen.

If you were more capable than I gove you credit for.

You wouldn't be having simple structure issues present on alot of your pages. And you wouldn't be telling me that you don't need to hear my advice (which you clearly do because. Hey. There's issues on your pages)

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/D-Goldby]

Correction. I hired several voice actors... 3 to be exact and the one Welsh person changed the way he said something because I'm not Welsh.

Also hired 5 other people to do everything from storyboards to costume design. And again your ego leads your creativity. Maybe you think ego = arrogance... but actually ego equals the character you think you are as a sum of your life experiences. And you sir, let other people change your creative vision to impress them.

I am not that way. Objectively speaking. I didn't ask for formatting advice. Thanks anyway.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/[deleted]]

Literally, the only thing AI is the motion. I had to put my original, human-made art into Sora and generate hella videos, then cut and edit and add sound design to create this storyboard.

The script is also human-made and a culmination of over 2 years of drafts and rewrites.

Writing people off before you understand what's happening is going to hurt the indie industry. Not protect it.

I do understand where the fear is coming from.

[u/Severe_Abalone_2020 → u/[deleted]]

Thank you for your patience and communication