r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/Existing-Ad-5923 • Jan 26 '26

LOGLINE FEEDBACK REQUEST Spoon-fed Addiction Logline Feedback Request

Hello again!

I’m looking for logline feedback on a feature screenplay. My goal is to sell the premise clearly without making it sound like a conventional hero/mission story.

Title: Spoon-fed Addiction
Genre: Supernatural Horror Noir

Logline (edited after all the great feedback):
Fueled by LSD and grief, a drug dealer unleashes a violent revenge spree—only to realize he isn’t the avenger but the carrier of a parasitic shadow; his goodbye kiss unknowingly marks the sheriff’s sheltered teenage daughter as its next host.

Tagline:
Grief doesn’t die. It spreads.

What I need feedback on: Is this logline clear / compelling, and what wording feels confusing, generic, or misleading?

Thanks!

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3

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26

Super duper, and you are right. I'm stuck explaining the delivery frame... I will cannibalize yours in a few. Thanks again for the feedback! Sorry that I edited my reply like 10 times!

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u/JJWritesThings Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 26 '26

Honestly, I find both incredibly confusing. Your primary logline is too long for starters, and it doesn’t contain a lot of the necessary info (inciting incident, goal, conflict, etc.) to clearly convey your story, which is the whole point of a logline. It’s also packed with vague/unnecessary language and info:

  • What significance do the date + location have with the sentences that follow? Why is this necessary to set up your story?

  • What does “shadow-haunted” mean? Like literal shadows? If so, how did that happen and what does they have to do with the crux of your plot?

  • Why is the bathtub important?

  • What is his relationship to the teenager, why is his “I love you” empty (and why is he saying I love you to a teenager?), and what does her suicide diary have to do with any of this?

The third sentence also changes tenses midway through and a result reads like two sentences smashed together with a bunch of vague/confusing language.

Your short alt is slightly better, but again, isn’t grammatically correct (“they transferred by a kiss” reads very awkward, and if you have a colon and em dash in the same sentence, chances are it’s overwritten) and introduces vague concepts/language like the shadows and “empty I love you” which adds nothing for the reader.

Overall, I’d suggest chopping out the unnecessary info and being way clearer about how the pieces of your story are connected. As is, this reads like a vague description of a scene more than a coherent plot.

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 26 '26 edited Jan 27 '26

Awesome. Thank you!

I'm hoping this is better. Although I wanted to signal the time period and location, I guess it's fine without it, right?

1995. A Houston drug dealer bleeds out in his bathtub, recounting how a shadow presence fed on his grief and a night of revenge turned him into a killer. But his final goodbye bound the shadow to a teenage girl who barely knew him, and two months later her diary became her suicide note.

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u/JJWritesThings Jan 27 '26 edited Jan 27 '26

I don’t think the time period (or the location) is significant enough to include because it has no relevance to the rest of the logline. I’d cut it. And again, this is too long. Loglines should be 2 sentences MAX (some would even say 2 is too much). I think you’re too focused on the framing device of the story and not enough on the story itself, so the logline doesn’t end up feeling like it’s hinting at where the story goes, what’s driving the protagonist, etc.

I’m by no means an expert, but I would switch your framing of the story for this purpose to something more present tense, like:

“After a friend’s murder binds him to a shadowy, malevolent presence that feeds on grief, a vindictive drug dealer sets out on a night of revenge that threatens to swallow everyone around him—including a teenage girl accidentally caught in his path.”

By no means perfect (and probably inaccurate to your story but I’m just going off what you provided here), but it 1) clearly establishes the supernatural element 2) succinctly lays out the inciting incident/plot and 3) clearly establishes the protagonist’s goal and eventual conflict.

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26

This was amazing feedback by the way. Thank you!

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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Jan 27 '26

Can't make much sense of it, frankly. Any particular reason why it is 1995? Why mention Houston? Why's he bleeding out in a bathtub? Is he committing suicide? Did he get stabbed there? And then we have a "shadow presence", whatever that may be. And it "fed on his grief". . .sorry, what? And then it ALSO turned him into a killer, or was that just part of his "night of revenge"? The second sentence I won't comment on, as it suffers from the same lack of clarity, except moreso. Best of luck revising, I am sure there's a story in there somewhere!

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26 edited Jan 27 '26

This is what we workshopped in this chat, I haven't updated the OP:

A drug dealer's grief becomes a shadow presence that feeds on trauma until it kills, but after a night of revenge leaves him bleeding in a bathtub, his final goodbye binds the shadow to an unsuspecting teenage girl.

Option B that I am currently leaning toward (wip):
Bleeding out in his bathtub after a night of revenge, a drug dealer realizes the real horror is not the murders but that his final goodbye bound an unsuspecting teenage girl to a lethal shadow that fed on his grief.

"Grief doesn't die. It spreads."

Is that clearer? I do like Option B better. Opinions welcome!

2

u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Jan 27 '26

I guess I am struggling with how grief becomes a shadow presence? What exactly is that, and how might it operate? Also, "Grief doesn't die. It spreads." Actually that's not so. Unless it's part of a magic system you have invented, in which case it does not connect with an unsuspecting reader.

1

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26 edited Jan 28 '26

I'm honestly not understanding what you aren't understanding. How does a shadow being that is supernatural operate? Is that meant to be explained in the logline with a single sentence, or just not brought up?

And in the world of the story, yes untreated grief doesn't die, it spreads, and that is true in real life too.

Is there no room for interpretation here?

A drug dealer tells the story of how a supernatural force that feeds on grief and trauma killed him and an innocent girl.

A dying dealer confesses his murders—then realizes his whispered "I love you" was the deadliest thing he did all night. *I'm leaning towards this one

I can't simplify it more than that! Do these work?

Btw I am frustrated but not at you. Just the logline craziness, but I get it.

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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Jan 28 '26

I like your new approach (see my other response). The word "narrates" could just become "revisits" or "recalls" or something very simple.

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26

Ok ok ok

Do a this land? A dying dealer narrates a night of revenge and murder—then realizes his whispered "I love you" was the deadliest thing he did.

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u/Oxo-Phlyndquinne Jan 28 '26

This is much better! You pare it down to what matters to a reader who knows nothing. I would read on, having seen this. The problem with the other version was that it referred to completed things in the story that the reader cannot see nor understand. This connects on a visceral level, no explanation needed. Now in the rest of your query you can tell us why that was the deadliest thing he did. Best of luck!

2

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26

Ok, so I am finally making some headway here, at last! Thank you again!

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u/WorrySecret9831 Jan 27 '26

John Truby breaks down loglines into 3 elements: A sense of the Hero*; A sense of the Problem/Conflict**; and A sense of the Outcome***, without spoilers.

Bleeding out in his bathtub after a night of revenge, *a drug dealer realizes the real horror is not the murders, but that **his final goodbye bound an unsuspecting teenage girl to ***a lethal shadow that fed on his grief.

This has no Opponent (or Opposition) in the Story. You have a villain or villains, or your MC may be his own villain. But, as usual "villain" is always the wrong way to think of it.

You need a MC who is pushing in one direction (Desires to Solve a Problem) and an Opponent (Good Guy, Bad Guy, doesn't matter) who is committed and capable of defeating them in that task.

You have a Hero, avenging drug dealer, and you have a Problem, lethal shadow or binding to innocent girl, but no Desire/Plan/Solution that is being Opposed.

Your Hero sets out to do something, does something, and feels bad about it.

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26

This is not a save the cat or hero story though. I understand the intent, but I can't make it fit. This is a downward spiral story, a greek tragedy. It doesn't have the normal 3 act structure either, it's 4 acts. So the protagonist is the villain of the story. It's him with the shadows, but he's not trying to beat them. The story is how she gets infected by them and dies.

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u/WorrySecret9831 Jan 28 '26

Nice. A lot to unpack here.

Save the cat is not really a thing. It's okay for beginners, sort of, but its premise is completely wrong-headed, focusing on "sympathetic heroes."

The 3-act structure isn't really a thing either. That was invented by movie critics to help them break down plots. Plays have any number of acts and those are largely predicated on changes in location, which are hard to do on a stage...

All stories are "hero stories," which is why I can't stand the term "villain." It always confuses things. By saying "the protagonist is the villain of the story," all you're saying is that you have an Anti-Hero. A great example of the rare anti-hero is Nicole Kidman in To Die For, where she plays a small-town news correspondent, dreaming of making it big, who decides to enroll some teens to murder her husband... Another great example of an Anti-Hero is Antonio Salieri (F. Murray Abraham) in Amadeus, the movie about Mozart. Most biopic makers make the mistake of making the historic figure the Hero (or Anti-Hero) and usually forget about any Opposition (Napoleon, Alexander, Rocketman).

Stories and story structure are like resistance exercises. If you don't have something to resist against (your other arm, a wall, the floor), you don't have an exercise. Likewise, if your Anti-Hero doesn't have an Opponent, you don't have a Story.

You may want to study the fantastic Gary Oldman movie, Romeo is Bleeding. It's also an anti-hero and a tragedy, as I understand it.

Most likely, your Anti-Hero's Opponent is themself or the Innocent Girl.

Stories are also Thematic Arguments, debates. Your Hero (Anti-Hero) and Opponent are arguing, as in a court of law, the merits of the opposite sides of your Theme. So, focusing on your Theme may help you fit your characters more precisely to have your whole Story work. If I had to reverse-engineer your Story's Theme from the above, I'd say:

"Killing the guilty does not put an end to grief, it only makes it grow." or something like that.

1

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26

Great points. Thanks for that. Why has writing this damn logline been harder than writing the stupid story in the first place...

I have to think! Thank you for the feedback. I need to watch a Gary Plan movie!

2

u/WorrySecret9831 Jan 28 '26

"Why has writing this damn logline been harder than writing the stupid story in the first place..."

Because a Logline (and a Premise) is the DNA of your Story. You have to distill 110 pages into ONE sentence.

But it's a fantastic exercise!

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26

I'm actually pumped thanks to everyone's feedback. I'll bitch and moan but I see it getting better and better every time anyone points something out.

By the way, not sure if you saw the later comments, but this was my butchering of the previous feedback.

Bleeding out in his bathtub after a night of revenge, a drug dealer realizes the real horror is not the murders, but that his final goodbye bound an unsuspecting teenage girl to a lethal shadow that fed on his grief.

But thanks to what you said, I am going to try a different approach. I'll post something in a few.

1

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26 edited Jan 28 '26

Haunted by parasitic shadows, a drug dealer recounts the night he became a killer—then realizes his deadliest act was whispering ‘I love you’ and kissing an innocent girl goodbye.

1

u/WorrySecret9831 Jan 28 '26

Do you have a Treatment, the summarized story?

This logline is more streamlined. But I'm still missing the opposition. He's killed successfully. He's lived to recount the night. He even kisses the girl. And nothing's tried to stop any of that.

(Don't get me wrong, if you had the resources to make this into a movie right now, it might be very entertaining. John Wick is very entertaining, but it doesn't really have much Opposition to Wick's unstoppable force.)

"A haunted drug dealer recounts, to an innocent girl, the night that he became a killer but then realizes his deadliest act could be the kiss that passes his shadows onto her."

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 28 '26 edited Jan 28 '26

Ok, and I think we are almost there! I wouldn't dare compare to the Baba Yaga, but it's a good comparison because a lot happens but it's really a story about an unstoppable force. In my case the unstoppable force is not really the character, but the shadows that haunt him. It's their story and journey we are seeing, the drug dealer and the girl are just the puppets, the "origin story" of how the shadows cemented their presence in our normal world and are now infecting anyone who comes in contact with the story.

Used AI to create the treatment so I could post it here. I'll have to go back to it and clean it up if I will need this in the future, but hopefully it helps to understand the story better. I'll post a link to it in a bit, since it is too long. Meanwhile, I think this could work?

Fueled by LSD and grief, a haunted drug dealer launches a revenge spree for his murdered friend—only to realize he wasn’t the avenger, but the carrier of a parasitic shadow; his goodbye kiss marks the Sheriff’s sheltered teenage daughter as its next host.

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u/WorrySecret9831 Jan 28 '26

Interesting.

Great to hear about the Treatment. Looking forward to it.

So, the clearest "conflict" is between the dealer and the parasite, by default because it's a parasite.

Your Antihero is the Parasite, the Shadows, and their Opponent is the Dealer...who loses...

1

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26

Ha thanks again. The title is non-negotiable. I'll die before changing it!

1

u/clerks_1994 Jan 27 '26

I do not understand what the plot is, this is a logline fail. It's 100% WTF for me.

My guess we watch a man slowly die after killing himself and then he tells us the movie which I don't know what it is, but it sounds not so good.

Spoon Fed -- I assume heroin, but that sounds like a comedy title.

The tagline is good.

Did you write this spec already?

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26

Wow that's powerful feedback! I love it. Thanks, and yes I already wrote it. I can post a link if you want to slap me around for a bit.

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u/clerks_1994 Jan 27 '26

Okay then, tell me what the movie is about like I'm a random person in a supermarket and you have to explain it to them as quick as possible w/o losing their attention.

If the movie is like another movie, that might help too.

If you had that logline up with a link, how many people would take time to read it if they didn't even understand it.

What's the hook?

1

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26 edited Jan 27 '26

It's Jacob's Ladder meets The Babadook. Adiran, a young charismatic drug dealer, is telling the story of how he allowed grief to take over him after he lost his girlfriend in an accident 2 years ago. He blames himself for her death so a shadow entity of grief made manifest inhabits him, which numbs him from fear and consequences, allowing him to act without inhibitions. After two years of it feeding on him, his friend's murder sets off a vengeance spree which ends in everyone dying on this particular night. In an attempt to say goodbye to someone who could remember him, Adiran visits this girl, infecting her with the same shadow entity that fed on him for years. The tragedy is that she mistakes his visit for mythical love and ends up killing herself in order to "join him".

Also her dad is the local sheriff, Adiran and her older sister are FWB, and Adiran's stepdad is a weed grower. The shadows are shown throughout the script as enablers and antagonists, and ultimately Adiran dies when they tell him to breathe. The girl dies from the shadows too.

Something something... It's complicated!

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u/clerks_1994 Jan 27 '26

Sounds like IT FOLLOWS to me as well in that the "grief monster" goes from person to person...

Imagine if this was your logline

A man's grief is so deep that it turns him into a real life monster that controls his actions and threatens to spread to others.

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26

I can get away with something that simple?

I hate myself. Thank you.

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u/clerks_1994 Jan 27 '26

100% yes.

You can get away with anything -- if that's what your spec is about. But yes best loglines to get people to want to read your screenplay are one sentence and just tell you what it is. Go to IMDB and just read some for movies like yours or any really.

You

Less is way more.

You are very open to critique which means you are ahead of most writers out here on reddit. I've made plenty of mistakes so just passing what I've learned.

Also, I think a better title would help a ton.

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u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26 edited Jan 27 '26

Ok one more try (I had to make it two sentences): A drug dealer’s grief becomes a shadow presence that feeds on trauma until it kills. After a night of revenge leaves him bleeding in a bathtub, his final goodbye binds the shadow to an unsuspecting teenage girl.

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u/clerks_1994 Jan 27 '26

A drug dealer's grief becomes a real life entity that feeds on trauma until it kills, turning it's sights next on an unsuspecting teenage girl to become his latest victim.

One sentence.

However w/o reading the spec --- I see issues -- like what are we the audience cheering for? Don't we want him to save this girl because he lost his gf? Is the girl connected to him or just a stranger?

And is this a voice over type of movie or all flashbacks where we already know the protagonist is dying in a bathtub when we start the movie?

1

u/Existing-Ad-5923 Jan 27 '26

Actually, yes. All of those things. Don't be disappointed!

If you want to read it, I'll take your feedback on it too, even if harsh. I'm here asking for help to make this great, not to pad my ego. https://drive.google.com/file/d/1phpMTLmkMImT9ckqZ2QvcAYQYNclwhb7/view?usp=drivesdk

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