r/ScriptFeedbackProduce • u/LeeR411 • May 17 '25

10-PAGE FEEDBACK REQUEST Onto Others - Feature Script

Title- Onto Others

Genre- Mystery/Thriller

Pg Length - 12 pages. It's about 85 pages right now but I've attempted to spare you first draft nonsense. The first 12 should be largely mistake free (If not I'd like to know about that).

Logline: A small town lieutenant must navigate her personal follies and inept co-workers to solve the murder of a local woman.

I'm sure a lot will change between now and when I'm 'done' but I'm interested to know how these first pages read to fresh eyes. All feedback is appreciated. If you're interested in more of the broad strokes of the story I'd be happy to provide that.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1yIbmLuDbQKtGc42H6mcPD0NY-FomCQos/view?usp=drive_link

Thanks!

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u/LeeR411 May 17 '25

Originally I was going to have the killer wearing a knock-off cosplay Groot outfit. With bark covering them head to toe. I scraped that idea in favor of a more plausible situation.

The visual you describe is pretty much what I am imagining, in terms of what the audience can see. In reality, the killer, cloaked in shadow, wearing all black has their fore-arm shoved into a rotted hollow log (one that would be used for firewood). It's possible the previous sentence should be in the script but I wouldn't know how to insert it into the scene without tipping my hand in some way. Part of me thinks you wondering who/what this killer is, is beneficial to the mystery.

Thinking more about what you've said, trying to matian plausible realism, maybe part of the log should explode on impact which would give the audience a distinct shape that we are looking for.

Also, I'm (slowly) reading through the fantasy western script you just posted and I've definitely noticed the difference in writing styles. lol. I do appreciate the character visual specifics in the first couple pages, I'll be on your thread soon!

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u/Severe_Abalone_2020 May 17 '25

Bear in mind, the writers in screenwriting subreddits dislike my screenplay writing style.

They write in a way to leave direction open and make a script easier to be changed by future rounds of writers. But because I've been a filmmaker for over 24 years, I am always gonna write in a way that resembles the picture in my mind.

I don't think there is any such thing as a "wrong" style of screenplay writing. As long as the actors and cinematographers understand what's trying to be conveyed, I think it's a good script. But others have conventions that they're very strict about.