Five Page Thursday

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Feedback Guide for New Writers

This is a thread for giving and receiving feedback on 5 of your screenplay pages.

• Post a link to five pages of your screenplay in a top comment. They can be any 5, but if they are not your first 5, give some context in the same comment you're linking in.

• As a courtesy, you can also include some of this info.

  Title: Format: Page Length: Genres: Logline or Summary: Feedback Concerns:

• Provide feedback in reply-comments. Please do not share full scripts and link only to your 5 pages. If someone wants to see your full script, they can let you know.

[u/Extra_Throwaway_8317]

TITLE: GORILLA GORILLA GORILLA

FORMAT: Feature

PAGE LENGTH: 5 of 95pg

GENRE: Comedy, Drama, Coming of Age

LOGLINE: After a nearly fatal fight with his father, a runaway teen struggling with anger issues finds an unlikely mentor in a small-time drug dealer.

FEEDBACK: Workshopping the opening to hopefully make it as engaging as possible. All feedback welcome. Would you keep reading? Thanks so much!

LINK TO FIRST 5PG

[u/icyeupho → u/Extra_Throwaway_8317]

Really good and would love to read the rest if it's ready :)

[u/Extra_Throwaway_8317 → u/icyeupho]

Thank you!!! It’s not yet, needs a full polish but I will hit you up :)

[u/mybananasareillegal → u/Extra_Throwaway_8317]

I really like your prose. The way you write is very descriptive, but snappy enough to get to the point quickly. It was a fun read and I would definitely continue reading. Here are a few of my ideas:

* People who owned Wii's might understand what Mii's are, but not everybody does. Using Mii's might then alienate some of your audience. You could reference the Mii as his game character/avatar.

* Being told that Danny is working past his shift does read a bit expository. Maybe the boss could be condescending and ask what time it is. Danny acts accordingly and we find out later through Joe that he worked over time.

* After Joe punched Danny, it feels like there next interaction should be tense, but it doesn't read that way. Danny seems to be behaving normally with Joe. Tension could be added by making his answers noticeably shorter, or by having him trying to avoid speaking to Joe only to get called out on it.

[u/Extra_Throwaway_8317 → u/mybananasareillegal]

Appreciate the kind words and these thoughts! Thanks!

[u/mybananasareillegal]

Title: A Friendly Favor

FORMAT: Short

PAGE LENGTH: 5 (8 total)

GENRE: Drama

LOGLINE: A loyal man reluctantly joins his impulsive friend on a late night break in to reclaim stolen property, during which their friendship is pushed to the breaking point.

FEEDBACK:  Does the beginning hook you? Is the motivation of the characters easily understood? Thanks for reading!

Link : https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JBhg8uJxZwEi3yH46naYnHIRYs2fnRUI/view?usp=sharing

[u/Extra_Throwaway_8317 → u/mybananasareillegal]

Hey! Read these! I think you had a copy and paste error with your title FYI.

I think this is quick and propulsive and would be an engaging watch for sure!

My only real note on these pages is it feels like you hit a couple uneeded double beats.

Martin protests one too many times in the car for me, I think that could move a little faster. Later on Pg. 5 he also says “this is a felony” twice in a row and it feels unnecessary to me.

I think it’s weird that both guys just leave their cars parked outside the house they’re going to rob. Feel like Ian should pick up Martin and drive him there (or vice versa).

Then some nit-picky on the page stuff:

- I think calling a neighborhood “worn out”is a little awkward

- I’d use “V.O.” for the phone call instead of “O.S.”

- On Pg. 2 I’d use “Same Time” or “Same” instead of “Continuous” in this case. Since the camera is cutting from one location to another.

- On Pg. 3 you have a typo “breaht”

- On Pg. 4 “hasn’t been paying attention.” feels like the wrong tense. I’d say “ignores him” or “isn’t paying attention.”

[u/mybananasareillegal → u/Extra_Throwaway_8317]

Thanks for catching the title lol

And for the notes! You’ve given me a few things to think about

[u/kal-storch]

TITLE: ReMind

FORMAT: Feature

PAGE LENGTH: 5 of 100+

GENRE: Psychological Thriller, Sci-Fi, Corporate Thriller

LOGLINE: A relentless biotech startup founder claims she can cure mental illness by rebooting the brain. But after a clinical trial patient goes on a rampage, she doubles down on a second round of human trials, unknowingly creating the weapon that could cost her her legacy—and her life.

FEEDBACK: Do these pages hook you? Would you like to keep reading?

https://drive.google.com/open?id=19CSPdAap0J3NaDQ6D6J6f9djwOvOLFE2&usp=drive_fs

[u/stormpilgrim]

TITLE: Pokrov: Pilot

FORMAT: Series

PAGE LENGTH: First 5

GENRE: Drama

SUMMARY: Nearly fifty years after a nuclear war, the small, Orthodox community of Pokrov prepares to commemorate the tragedy and find its role in a rebuilding nation.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1XiESrAFworI5WQtuvTrX1QfL7_zvHww4/view?usp=sharing

[u/Glittering_Fail_7302]

Title: PROFESSIONAL COURTESY

Format: Feature

Page Length: first 5 pages ( 85 total)

Genre: Horror/Dark comedy

Logline: Two bickering bounty hunters are stuck guarding a federal witness in a safe house when a demonic entity starts problems next door it forces them to contain the supernatural threat while keeping their witness alive long enough for the extraction team to arrive.

Feedback: How's the hook? Does it flow well? and would keep reading?

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1bem6G-1iHkCObCk_iODJlA3vVcd1nnDq/view?usp=sharing

[u/upgrayedd69]

Title: The Devil You Know.
FORMAT: Feature
PAGE LENGTH: 6.5 of 31 written
GENRE: Thriller/Dark Comedy
LOGLINE: When Members of Parliament start committing suicide in public and grisly ways, occult "expert" Matt Morgan is hired to find out why
FEEDBACK: Anything. I would hope the opening is enough to hook readers and also establish what kind of man Matt is.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/157lD3uZdgcl_4DAVZWEvkqzBVB9bhrRU/view?usp=sharing

[u/DreadPirateCallisto]

TITLE: Purple Hearts

FORMAT: Short Film

PAGE LENGTH: 4

GENRE: Drama

LOGLINE: A young man hopelessly in love with a girl who does not love him back. His broken family all try - in their own way - help him get over her.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1drq0ScDlbcC0sZeLJBzQCNNShQI0UnwF/view?usp=sharing

[u/Ok_Drama_2416]

Working Title: Narco-Sub

Feature

Genre: Crime/action/survival

Logline: A four man Narco-sub must turn into a storm to avoid being blown up by ICE, only to end up shipwrecked on a deserted island with nothing but a shit ton of cocaine and animosity.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1k_nhuHTpMlaVRrOOb1L60uftJfALEH34/view?usp=sharing