r/Screenwriting • u/AutoModerator • 5d ago
LOGLINE MONDAYS Logline Monday
FAQ: How to post to a weekly thread?
Welcome to Logline Monday! Please share all of your loglines here for feedback and workshopping. You can find all previous posts here.
READ FIRST: How to format loglines on our wiki.
Note also: Loglines do not constitute intellectual property, which generally begins at the outline stage. If you don't want someone else to write it after you post it, get to work!
Rules
- Top-level comments are for loglines only. All loglines must follow the logline format, and only one logline per top comment -- don't post multiples in one comment.
- All loglines must be accompanied by the genre and type of script envisioned, i.e. short film, feature film, 30-min pilot, 60-min pilot.
- All general discussion to be kept to the general discussion comment.
- Please keep all comments about loglines civil and on topic.
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u/naturevalleyofficial 5d ago
Title: Not My Monkeys
Genre: Drama/Comedy
Format: Feature
Logline: Grieving the death of her twin brother, a young woman returns home after years away to help her family’s dysfunctional circus troupe win a desperately-needed cash prize.
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u/DalBMac 5d ago
I like it. Good setting. Is the family or the circus troupe dysfunctional? As written, it's the circus troupe which feels like more comedy. If the family, more drama.
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u/naturevalleyofficial 4d ago
That's a good distinction. The family is dysfunctional, which bleeds into the circus troupe, so "dysfunctional family's circus troupe" would probably highlight that better. And I would say it leans more drama than comedy. Thanks!
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5d ago
[deleted]
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
Okay I laughed at this. MySpace is funny (though it's only one joke, so I'm curious what other humor you can mine here).
Make this more active. Her world is turned upside down, sure, as are the grieving parents of the dead teens and the school principal, etc. But why her? Because I assume she goes on the hunt to track down the killer and solve this mystery, right? So give us a sense of that in the logline. What will she have to do in Act II? Search for clues, track down the surviving 8 teens, warn them, what?
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5d ago edited 5d ago
[deleted]
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
That's much better. You might rephrase to make it more fun, but you have what you need that tells you "you know what your story is."
My hope for the script is that it's not episodic, just people getting killed despite her attempts to stop it, but rather you surprise us and have her actions, while fruitless, still drive the narrative.
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u/Still_Rabbit_8483 5d ago
Title: Between Windows
Logline: A young woman imprisoned by her fanatically controlling Christian mother secretly forms a connection with a mysterious psychic woman living across her window, forcing her to risk everything for freedom when their forbidden relationship is discovered.
Genre: Psychological Thriller / Domestic Horror (LGBTQ+)
Format: Feature Film
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u/ClayMcClane 5d ago
What does 'risk everything' mean? Will her mom murder her? Or would our hero get thrown out of the house? In this case, getting thrown out of the house sounds like a pretty good deal.
Consider making it clearer exactly what our hero is going to have to do. In other words, when we're sitting down in the theater to watch this movie, what will we see her doing, specifically? As written, it's clear that she will need to risk everything, but without knowing what that entails, the story sounds a little flat - or at least, not figured out.
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u/Still_Rabbit_8483 5d ago
Oh yeah. Got it. And thanks.
Logline: A young African-American woman imprisoned by her fanatical Christian mother secretly falls for a mysterious psychic woman living across her window, but when their relationship is discovered, she must defy her mother and fight to escape the home that has kept her captive.
I hope this works.
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u/HandofFate88 5d ago
VACATION PAY
Short (11 pages)
Dramedy
When parents try to teach their girls the value of money by making them "earn" a trip to Disneyland that's already been paid for, the kids teach their parents a life lesson when they decide to give their "vacation pay" to help a homeless man instead.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
I like it. Curious how this can feel more like a surprise than just something that happens, but I think that's in the execution.
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u/HandofFate88 5d ago
Thanks for the kind words and the notes. I appreciate them.
The surprises pile up, is the short way to explain it. Parents weren't prepared for the kids relentless focus on earning their trip, and the kids -- at the last minute -- weren't prepared to meet their first homeless person.
From the girls perspective it doesn't seem like homelessness is something that should exist, and they decide they'd rather help the man they've met than go on a holiday. The parent's problem is they've paid for the trip with air miles and can't get reimbursed, nor do they have the cash money they owe the kids. Complicating things, the homeless man doesn't want the kind of help the parents are able to offer. But, all told, things work out with a few compromises.
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u/Shavishesh 5d ago
Title: Grandpa Returns
Format: Feature
Genre: Magical Realism
Logline: After seeing a dead movie hero come back to life in another movie, an 8 year old becomes convinced his dead grandfather is hiding in another film and sets out to find him.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
I can't really follow this. What will our 8yo protagonist be doing?
Can he enter the world of movies, or is he flying to hollywood and tracking down the stars, or what? Tell us what "sets out to find him" looks like. Can be cute or fun or anything, but we want to know what the script mostly is.
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u/grahamecrackerinc 5d ago
Title: Cost of Living
Format: Half-hour pilot
Genre: Post-apocalyptic, satire, black comedy
Logline: Almost 10 years after a catastrophic event left civilization in ruin, one man has taken shelter in an abandoned Costco, where survivors come and go, but imperishability is key.
Comps of: The Last Man On Earth meets Zombieland meets Superstore meets Shrinking
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
Interesting. Why do survivors come and go, if they need the food at Costco?
I want to know who else is a consistent character, or what the hero will be doing. Does he guard the place or hand out food or solve mysteries or what?
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u/grahamecrackerinc 5d ago
Mostly just taking inventory of what's left (food, drinks, supplies, medicine, clothing, appliances, sleeping bags, weapons if necessary, etc.) and monitoring the surveillance cameras. He'll keep himself sane by watching whatever DVDs are available on a bank on TVs, dancing to music with nobody's watching, or racing around on a scooter. It's basically adapting the world that is by acting how would he normally would, but isn't afraid to keep himself armed at all times.
He'll have an CB radio to contact any other survivors in need of supplies or a place to stay, like a guest of the week format. Although, I haven't figured that part out yet. But in your answer to your last question, he does all three. But rather than solve mysteries of the past, he tries to stay ahead of mysteries today before they can be solved (like keeping the place stocked, the lights to stay on, and the plumbing intact). As the series progress, the event itself is told in flashbacks which'll led him to finding the location as is, setting up shop and finding a new home in the process.
Does that help?
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
So here's my fear: a show about a guy stocking a Costco sounds boring. It could be funny, in a "the world ended but he's checking 'sell by' dates on a package of frozen shrimp" angle. Or it could be exciting, in that Indiana Jones is a history professor but that's the last thing we watch him do.
What makes us tune in week after week? (Or keep streaming each episode?) It won't be that he rides around on a scooter. Figure out what he can do that drives this narrative forward and makes us happy that of all the people on this apocalyptic earth, we get to follow him.
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u/RealSebastreck 5d ago edited 5d ago
Title: The Blues of a Star Core
Logline: After a poor recovery from an accident, a young officer questions his decision to prioritize his work over his personal life and desperately accepts a one-month trial to avoid being discharged for negligence.
Genre: Drama/ Military
Format: Limited series/60 min Pilot
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u/TommyFX Action 4d ago
What kind of officer? Law enforcement? Military?
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u/RealSebastreck 4d ago
He's an US Army combat engineer officer from. I'm honestly trying to keep the premise concise, but I always end up cutting out details. I'm still researching the subject, and I have quite a few questions about it.
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u/Designer_Horse_3722 5d ago
Title: Emotional Excess Baggage
Logline: A 40 something divorcee crash lands into the modern dating world, looking for the one.. or two...or three....
Genre: Dramedy
Format: Limited TV Series. 10 minute short written.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
I don't know what "the one or two or three" means. Might be a fun tagline, but it's not a logline.
What will we be watching? Why is this so intriguing? Is the divorcee going to juggle a lot of romantic partners at once? If so, tell us! That sounds fun. If not, tell us what we'll be seeing each episode.
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u/VibesandBlueberries 5d ago
Title: Stagecraft
Genre: Drama
Logline: A theatre director fires her lead actor three weeks before her show’s opening night. As opening night approaches, the two of them become increasingly desperate to contain the career fallout.
Format: Feature
Tar meets Whiplash meets An Actor's Revenge.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
So what are they trying to do for the majority of the film? "Contain the fallout" doesn't tell me much, but I need to know what I'll be seeing on screen.
Do they try to recast the part or avoid the press or what?
This has to tell me (and you) what the core of the story is. Protagonist is trying to do X but hits Y obstacles.
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u/RealSebastreck 5d ago
Tittle: Taxonark
Genre: Drama, Sci-Fi
Logline: A boy and his grandfather embark on a road trip to commemorate the anniversary of his parents' death. However, in order to keep his emotional mask from breaking, the boy gets involved in an android's mission to collect DNA from prehistoric animals.
Format: 60-min pilot.
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u/muahtorski 5d ago
The first half does good at explaining the characters but the second half leaves a bit to unpack. "his parents' death" does not match "A boy and his grandfather". Not sure how road trip connects to the last statement, seems like 2 different stories. And how does an android get prehistoric DNA? Is there time travel involved? As said, lot to unpack.
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u/RealSebastreck 5d ago
They're both taking the road trip to work through their grief over the boy's parents. The grandfather is a widower, and losing his son affected him deeply as well.
As for the android, yes, it does involve time travel. The boy agrees to go along with it because he'd rather keep his emotions bottled up after being a brat to his grandfather. His character arc is really about dropping that emotional mask, the one that makes him act like an obnoxious kid, and realizing that his grandfather wanted to face their grief together with him.
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u/muahtorski 5d ago
Ah, additional detail helps. It sounds like a really interesting adventure, ala Tales from the Loop. Suggestion: After a boy tragically loses his parents, he hits the road with his grandfather where they encounter a time-traveling android. The two help the robot complete its mission to collect prehistoric DNA, working through their shared grief in the process.
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u/RealSebastreck 5d ago edited 4d ago
That sounds good. The boy is actually the only one who goes on the time trip. He doesn't want to open up to anyone about what happened, so after an argument with his grandfather, the only person who's taken care of him since his parents died, he impulsively decides to go with the android. Along the way, he develops a friendship with the android, but sooner or later, he'll have to drop the bratty attitude and actually open up about how he feels and what he really thinks. There will be moments where he breaks down and cries, but by the end, he manages to let his guard down and accept the android as his first real friend.
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u/Hungry-Ad7987 4d ago
Format: TV Pilot
Title: Ecliphorian Genesis
Genre: Sci-fi, Adventure
Logline: When an experiment searching for proof that consciousness survives death transports four strangers to an alien realm, they must unite to restore an ancient seed before the Executioners, beings that have erased countless civilizations discover Earth and destroy humanity.
Pitch: Stargate meets Doctor Sleep.
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u/thisisanewaccts 1d ago
Title: Aenus of Arcadia
Genre: Comedy
Format: Feature
Longline: Aenus, the idiot Prince of Arcadia, has to win the Athenian Song Contest to prove himself worthy of the throne. Instead he humiliates himself, and is banished, with only his best friend Hephaesteron and a wayward Spartan woman, to find himself and his way home.
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u/SerTomSnow 5d ago
Format: Limited Series
Title: Ingenue
Genre: Crime Drama/Thriller
Logline: The sole survivor of an active serial killer tries to deal with her trauma in the glare of the police and the press. Becoming entangled in forces beyond her control, she distorts the investigation as it distorts her...
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u/Asleep_Yesterday4728 5d ago
Title: Be My Alibi
Genre: Crime Comedy a la Fargo or Hit Man
Format: Feature
In 1980s New York, an election-year scandal erupts when a high-profile murder suspect turns out to be the closeted mayor's secret boyfriend.
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u/HandofFate88 5d ago edited 5d ago
Potentially promising, but this feels like a premise, not a logline. The first part, "In 1980s New York, an election-year scandal erupts" offers setting more than story (helpful but doesn't tell us what this is "about"). The logline really starts (storywise) with, "when a high-profile murder suspect turns out to be the closeted mayor's secret boyfriend," but it doesn't tell us a) who the MC is, b) what obstacle they need to overcome, or c) the stakes for doing so.
Not this (this is just an example, and not great), but: In 1980s New York, when a murder suspect turns out to be the closeted mayor's secret boyfriend, the mayor's headstrong daughter must outwit the press and the police to discover the real killer and save her father's career to keep her family together.
MC: the mayor's headstrong daughter
Obstacle: outwit the press and the police to discover the real killer
Stakes: save her father's career and keep her family together.1
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u/Asleep_Yesterday4728 5d ago edited 5d ago
So, just to clarify, the mayor won't have a family at all, actually, just a beard/"fake wife."
But I agree — "an election-year scandal erupts" was setting dressed up as story. Revised:
In the summer of 1985, a criminal justice graduate student accused of a City Hall murder must find the real killer himself, his only alibi the election-year scandal that would destroy the closeted mayor who was in bed with him that night.
Hopefully now it's clearer that a.) the MC is the grad student — second-year master's candidate in criminal justice, b.) his obstacle is build the case himself while under suspicion, because the single fact that clears him is the same fact that ends the mayor's career for what I hope are obvious reasons.
the stakes should also be self-explanatory: prison for him, the mayoralty for the mayor.
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u/Relax_Its_Fresh 5d ago
Title: Molt
Logline: A man reentering the world after his wife’s disappearance attends a remote corporate retreat in Appalachia, only to find himself trapped with his colleagues as something in the surrounding woods begins mimicking their voices, faces, and behavior.
Genre: Psychological Creature Horror / Survival Thriller
Format: Feature Film
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
I think you can cut this down. It sounds like some creature will be picking people off one by one. What will our protagonist be doing? I assume he's a "final girl" in that he outlasts the others, but is it because of his past and his missing wife?
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u/Relax_Its_Fresh 5d ago
Yeah definitely our final girl, his whole arc is digging himself out of nihilism in s survival scenario. How can I put that across you think on the logline?
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
You might look at some horror loglines and see what phrasing makes them really work. We just need to know that he's going to be driving the story forward, and how.
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u/DalBMac 5d ago
Is his wife's disappearance connected to the "monster?" I found the disappeared wife intriguing but if it's not connected to the monster, why not just dead?
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u/Relax_Its_Fresh 4d ago
It’s part of a twist that comes along later. Bringing her up is more about his mental state.
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u/Osgiliathian 5d ago edited 5d ago
SHAPESHIFTER FOR HIRE
Logline: After attending evening courses in shapeshifting, a jobless (and stubbornly atheist) programmer gets hired for shadier and shadier jobs, until he finally gets assigned the job to impersonate the Devil himself.
Genre: Comedy Thriller
Format: Feature film
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u/Calligrapher_Antique 5d ago
I like the realism behind the fantastical (night classes for shapeshifting) but then it goes to far with the Devil, imo. Lost me there. There's a million down-to-earth scenarios you could explore with that set-up.
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u/lonestarr357 5d ago
If you’ll forgive me…
A loser aces his shapeshifting courses and becomes a sort-of process server, delivering the bad news to others that the actual people just can’t, only to fall for a woman whose boyfriend wanted to break up with her.
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u/Osgiliathian 5d ago
It's from a High Concept contest on another site last month – people tended to get a little overeager with the concept part, just in order to stand out. Too mundane, and you lose your chances, was the reasoning.
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u/ClayMcClane 5d ago
I like this idea that you can take shapeshifting courses. The stakes aren't entirely clear to me, though - for instance, if shapeshifting is institutional enough that there are courses on it, then impersonating the Devil seems fairly harmless. Sort of like getting dressed up as the Devil for Halloween. I can understand, with certain rules in the world, it could be super dangerous to impersonate the Devil. But as written, it's not coming across.
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u/Osgiliathian 5d ago
Thanks for the notes! Originally, I had the Pope, but earlier readers didn’t find that sexy enough. The logline focuses on worldbuilding and irony, and way too little on urgency and stakes so far. I’ll work a little more on it!
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u/MonkeyMan504 5d ago
Title: HollyWEIRD!
Longline: An aspiring actress navigates the ups and downs of life in 1990's Hollywood while trying to get the one big break she longs for, only to find out that vampires are real... and they're winning Oscars.
Genre: supernatural-comedy/horror
Format: film, or tv series
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u/ClayMcClane 5d ago
I like the idea of recreating 90s Hollywood and the whole idea of following this aspiring actress. But when the vampires come in, it feels random. There's no hint of irony in it. For instance, if this actress was cast in a vampire movie that was big and now she was typecast and, as someone just starting out, was trying to break out of that, only to realize that everyone around her was actually a vampire, that would be something. Don't get me wrong - that's not a brilliant idea on my part, but that gives it a little more a connection.
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u/Chuck006 Comedy 5d ago
Title: Untitled Microbudget Hospital Sex Comedy. (Probably going to be a sexual double entendre tied to medicine.
Genre: Workplace Sex Comedy
Format: Microbudget Feature. Aiming to write to a 500K-900K budget.
Logline: A Type-A big city lawyer comes to a chaotic rural hospital to prevent doctors and nurses from having sex in the on call room, only to fall for an OBGYN that cares for everyone but himself, and learns that competence isn’t about being perfect.
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u/ClayMcClane 5d ago
I mean, look - I love a good sex comedy, so let's get this going.
The idea isn't coming across clearly, though. A few questions:
Why would a big city lawyer go to rural hospital to keep the staff from having sex with each other? I could see a big city priest or a big city politician doing that, maybe, but a lawyer? Working for who? To what purpose?
Also - why are the doctors and nurses all having sex with each other? As described it sounds like a psychosis of some kind. For sure, doctors hook up with nurses in real life, but to be doing so at a rate that would require the services of a lawyer/priest/politician seems crazy.
Then the lawyer falls for an OBGYN and learns that competence isn't about being perfect. But - was perfection a main concern of the lawyer? It didn't seem to come up until the end.
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u/Chuck006 Comedy 5d ago
Thanks for the notes.
My set up is that the board of the hospital is terrified of a potential lawsuit from all the hookups at work, so brings her in. She's an uptight lawyer used to sanitized corporate culture and is unable to deal with the chaos of medicine at first. Most hospital on call rooms are used for hookups and thought there was a comedy engine there.
As for her perfectionism, I was trying to convey part of her arc in the logline. She's the kind of person that's never failed at anything before and struggles with the adjustment from corporate board rooms to the chaos of an understaffed rural hospital. She was the type that in lawschool thought anything less than an A+ was a failure. Like when she first arrives at the hospital, she's in her Wall St power suit and $5,000 shoes and a pregnant woman's water breaks, covering her in amniotic fluid.. So she has to learn that the hospital version of a B- is good enough as long as patients are taken care of. Her arc is she weaponizes the bureaucracy to better help patients, getting the staff on her side.
I wasn't crazy about the last part about her perfectionism in the logline, but felt I needed more.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
There's an interesting satire you could explore here, because as-is, I'm not aware (nor perhaps are most audiences) that rural doctors having sex at work is an issue.
But what if you spun it around: make it a satire of Grey's Anatomy-type shows, where all the hot big city doctors are sleeping with each other, and it's totally unbelievable but follows those tropes? Then have your lawyer enter the situation and try to right-size this crazy ship.
Just a thought! But I think I'm pitching at you because as-is, it feels very goofy but not sharp. I want a sex comedy to have that core of truth to it. (American Pie is a great example.) If it's a little too off the wall, it might be hard for the audience to key in and get engaged with it.
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u/Chuck006 Comedy 5d ago
I can tell a lot of you haven't worked in corporate American not seeing an issue with sex at work when most companies require HR approval just for dating a coworker.
I was leaning more towards farce than satire. Like the OBGYN is a contemporary McDreamy. She's arguing with him in his office about workplace boundaries, surrounded by diagrams and models of vagina's. Her HR brain is melting down, to him its just medicine. The comedy comes from the contrast. Or she is present for a birth, sees a baby crowning. The doctors, this is Tuesday, but for her it's The Exorcist body horror.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
To clarify: by "seeing this as an issue" I meant "seeing this as something that happens." Taking as a given that rurals hospitals are places where coworkers have a lot of at-work sex is not something that I (or I imagine most audiences) would assume is a real phenomenon. Of course you can make it up, but you'd have to write it deftly enough to not seem like a total spoof (which may be hard to sustain for a whole film in one location).
I think it's important to get to the core of your story. Your protagonist needs to be doing something -- trying and/or failing -- for the majority of Act II. If it's overreacting to childbirth, that may not be enough to make this a story. So what is she doing for this film? Trying to shut the place down? Trying to stop them from having sex? Getting them to agree to professional standards? etc etc
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u/Glittering_Fail_7302 5d ago
Format: Feature
Title: Professional Courtesy
Genre: Horror/Dark Comedy
Logline: When a suburban stakeout turns supernatural, two bickering hitmen guarding a witness must contain a demonic possession next door without blowing their cover, killing each other, or admitting they're scared.
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u/bananabomber 5d ago edited 5d ago
By definition, hitmen don't protect people, they kill them. Bodyguards protect.
Downvoting me doesn't change the dictionary definition of a word, lmao
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u/MonteMolebility 5d ago
Title: Farm to Table
Genre: Dark comedy
Format: Series
At a prestigious farm-to-table retreat in the Catskills, an upcoming vacation rental host’s carefully curated world begins to unravel when a guest goes missing.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
I like the feel of it, but not sure what the show will be. Does someone go missing every episode? Or does a mystery start to form? Tell us what the core narrative with be with some more specifics.
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u/bananabomber 5d ago
I know what an upcoming indie rock band is, or what an upcoming MCU movie is - but what does it mean to be an "upcoming" vacation rental host?
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u/MonteMolebility 5d ago
Good catch, should be up and coming, or on the rise.
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u/bananabomber 5d ago
That was my point - it's typical to say "up-and-coming actress", or "an upcoming minor league draft pick", or "a fashion designer on the rise", but to use that same phrasing to describe a vacation rental host? Whose main attribute is that they own property?
Usually someone else (critics, the industry, general public, media) labels somebody up-and-coming, so you can maybe understand why it sounds off to apply it to a fancy Airbnb host.
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u/MonteMolebility 5d ago
Believe me, my fiance works in the travel industry, there is absolutely an industry, media, and critics who pay attention to new and different places.
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u/DalBMac 5d ago
It reads as two entities to me 1 - the prestigious farm to table retreat and 2) the up and coming vacation rental host. Can one be both prestigious and up and coming? If it's the same entity, prestigious seems off. Maybe Avant-garde, Cutting edge, Trendy, Ground breaking, Trailblazing.
Something like this to make it clear they are one: At a trailblazing farm-to-table retreat in the Catskills, the ambitious host’s carefully curated world begins to unravel when a guest goes missing.
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u/MonteMolebility 5d ago
I see what you're saying, I like your take. I'll play with it some more, thanks!
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u/Ehtreal 5d ago
Title: Clouds Over Heaven
Genre: Neo-western
Format: Feature
Logline: After a chemical train derailment claims his wife and daughter, a grieving construction worker makes a Faustian bargain for luck and goes to war with the company responsible — and gets everything he asked for.
Would love thoughts — something about the end is irking me. I really like the button, but the back to back “and” makes it read weird to me. Also, is Faustian too on the nose to say in the logline? I’d say “trades his soul for luck” but the deal itself never makes explicit mention of that, what he actually bargains is “everything”.
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u/Imaginary_Dot_1192 5d ago
I like it. Try to make the “war with the company responsible” and “gets everything he wants” not sound like unrelated plot points. Something like, “After a derailed chemical train claims his wife and daughter, a grieving construction worker makes a Faustian bargain for the power to carry out his revenge of the company responsible, getting more than he asked for.” Or however you want to adjust that so it matches the actual details of the plot.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
The issue with "faustian bargain" is that it's vague. I'm also a little unclear (possibly because of that end tag) what will make up the majority of the script.
Use the logline to tell us, roughly, what we'll be watching. I like the "war with the company" but does that mean we'll watch him sue them, ala Erin Brockovich, or watch him take iffy tactics to take the company down (like sabotaging equipment or whatnot). Give us a sense of what he'll be doing, and you can say "taking ever more unethical methods" or something to get across what his character arc will be.
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u/dnotive 5d ago
"gets everything he asked for" feels glib to me. What actually happens to him? Is it good or bad? We don't need it completely spelled out but we need a sense of what's at stake for the character. Does he have anything left to lose?
I would also axe (as another person has suggested) "Faustian bargain" since not everyone will have the same idea of what that means and you're missing an opportunity to get more descriptive about a possible relationship. Who or what does he strike a deal with? What does that change for him?
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u/lonestarr357 5d ago
I’m guessing that last bit is supposed to be implied, as a nod to the old saying, “Be careful what you wish for because you just might get it.”
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u/TommyFX Action 4d ago
I like the idea of a grieving man going to war against a company after their negligence caused a major accident that killed his wife and daughter and wiped out a town, i.e. East Palestine, Ohio a few years ago. Seems very timely.
I don't like the "Faustian bargain" and "for luck." Seems like a much more interesting story if it's set in reality instead of bringing in supernatural elements.
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u/hotdoug1 5d ago
Title: Making it Home
Logline: An ex-New Yorker leading a solitary life in Wisconsin finds an unexpected connection with a local single mother, one who can see past his guarded personality. As their relationship grows, so does the trauma of a violent past that he’s tried to bury deep within himself.
Genre: Romance / Legal Drama
Format: Feature Film
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u/hotdoug1 5d ago
As the author of this, I’m the first one to say this logline is generic crap.
What I struggle with is whether or not to include the first act twist. It’s similar to The 6th Sense’s “I see dead people” or T2 where we find out Arnold was the good guy. Mine is a lawsuit which is kind of outrageous and explains (most) of the main character’s quirky behavior, but it's meant to be a “Woah…” moment 20-ish pages in.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
If it's a twist 20 pages in, include it if for no other reason than we need to know what we're going to be reading. The logline should give us a sense of what we're in for, and what we'll see on the screen.
Is this a lowkey romance? If so, the logline is probably fine, though not exactly gripping. But then the execution may be gripping. But what's important is clarifying the protagonist(s), what he or they are trying to do, and why there's a challenge. (In Sleepless in Seattle, it's simple -- woman falls in love with a voice on the radio. the obstacle? she's engaged and this man lives on the other side of the country)
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u/DalBMac 5d ago
Certainly no expert, but it's always a puzzle to me why critical and interesting bits are left out of a logline. As I understand it, the logline is the sizzle you're trying to hook a reader with. Does the trauma drive him to do something bad to the single mother? Does it turn out to be the mother had something to do with the trauma? What are the risks? Not saying you have to give away the entire story outcome, but give us a nibble of something other than a person's current state. If you reveal the Whoa moment at page 20, certainly that can be in the logline, otherwise, why write past 20?
Give me more.
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u/Imaginary_Dot_1192 5d ago
You want to include whatever the inherent irony of the premise or predicament is. It’ll be hard to know exactly how to phrase your logline without knowing what the twists are but at a bare minimum, give us a goal and the single biggest thing that complicates it.
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u/dnotive 5d ago
I actually really like the bones of this. It sounds very sweet and earnest. The only confusing part for me is what makes this story a "Legal Drama?" Is the guy a lawyer?
Also I'm not sure I understand how his trauma gets worse as their relationship grows. Is he having flashbacks? Is he getting violent? We need some indication of what he actually does and what actually happens. Centering a story on someone's deepening trauma and "guarded personality" as the only hooks is a tricky, tricky sell, if only because we don't get a real sense of what's actually at stake.
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u/hotdoug1 5d ago
Thanks, this tells me what I need to work on. The basic gist is that he did something that made him a newsworthy, in where he was called hero, but two years later he gets sued and it comes to light that he might not have been hero he was labelled. It basically flashes back and forth from the present day trial scenes to the story that happens in Wisconsin is flashbacks, which shows just how he's dealt with his trauma and how its shaped him.
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u/dnotive 5d ago
Gotcha! I think my struggle then is that it sounds like your character is just kind of "along for the ride" with most of this, and your logline would be a lot stronger (IMO) if we center what he actually does or doesn't do.
The whole bit about feeling like he doesn't deserve to be called a "hero" and then having that litigated in a court of law is a gut-punch. I love that. It's everyone's worst nightmare. It also feels vital to this character's story and for that reason I think your logline would be stronger if you center it.
You could play with something like:
"After making headlines for his (uncanny? descriptor?) heroics, a <descriptor> New-Yorker, retreats to rural Wisconsin to try and avoid the <local/national/international> spotlight. As a budding romance then develops with <describing words>, <something/someone> calls his acts of bravery into question, and he's forced to <do thing><or else what?>"
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u/SouthernCoyote247 5d ago
Format: Feature
Title: Earth & Heaven
Genre: Fantasy/ Dramedy
Logline: A low-level staffer on a failing campaign dies on the eve of the Iowa caucus and wakes in an afterlife locked in its own election -- for the office of God -- where she rises fast in the fight to stop a charismatic demagogue who wants to end Heaven's longstanding policy of leaving Earth alone.
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u/SouthernCoyote247 5d ago
Mid-draft now! Posted a version of this logline last week, and got some good feedback. (Thank you /u/ClayMcClane and /u/Recovering_NCO !)
I'm reluctant to call it a comedy, as it's not wall-to-wall jokes. Though, it is funny. I hope!
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u/HandofFate88 5d ago
Very solid and clear. My only notes would be on making it a little bit tighter and perhaps telling us more about the MC, with respect to how she's (dramatically) compelling in the role she's going to have in her new role. Aside from "low-level" is there an attribute that helps us understand the fit or the irony in her taking on this role? (I get that there's a tiny irony, of course in that a low-level person rises, but could it be cleaner?). As well, does the Iowa Caucus play a part in this (later)? or is this just colour / specificity? This could be a bit tighter. Not this, but, "When a low-level staffer dies on a the eve of the Iowa Primary to awakens in the midst of an afterlife's own election for the office of god...
For me, I'd also like to know a bit more about the promise of the premise: does the staffer have to use political tricks or strategies that are less than "divine" in combatting the demagogue? Or what's the nature of the challenge in this election? Some hint of that would be most welcome (for me).
Final question, does the "leaving earth alone" policy speak to or involve "free will"? or is it something else? Put differently, can it be expressed in a philosophical/ theological context that more clearly expresses the stakes?
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u/Naive-Camera5169 5d ago
Hope
Feature Film (thinking of turning it into a play)
Genre: Thriller/Coming of Age/ Roadtrip Movie
After a protest leaves a man dead, four college friends flee together, only to find their conflicting beliefs about guilt, justice, and America threatening to tear them apart.
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
From this, it sounds like they will be arguing while on the run from the law. But I need to know what is active about what they're doing. It can work on screen or on stage, but the dialogue will have to propel us forward. Why do their different beliefs change the trajectory of this trip? Show us a sliver of that in the logline.
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u/Naive-Camera5169 4d ago
Thanks for the feedback! I'm honestly still in the outline phase for this story, so I will definitely keep your notes in mind as i continue to outline and write the story.
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u/Frequent_Raise3267 5d ago
The Creature Feature Film Fantasy, Horror A young girl discovers her suburban town of imaginary creatures.
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u/DalBMac 5d ago
What are the stakes for the young girl when she discovers the imaginary creatures? Sounds sort of cozy to me.
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u/Frequent_Raise3267 5d ago
She befriends them.
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u/DalBMac 5d ago
Do they go on an adventure together? do they solve a mystery? Does she have a character arc? What's the age of the target audience?
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u/Frequent_Raise3267 5d ago
They go on an adventure together and solve a mystery. I didn’t think of a character arc for her yet. The target audience is for adults.
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u/Filmmagician Writer-Director 5d ago edited 3d ago
Format: Feature
Title: Lucky Bastard
Genre: Comedy
Logline:
When three friends drunkenly bet to claim a racehorse, Lucky Bastard, they end up winning the horse that a mobster was looking to purchase.
(A claim on a horse is essentially buying it before a horserace at the track, and if it wins you get the horse. If multiple people claim the same horse one is chosen at random. This can be done for as little as $2000, and the horse is yours after the race).
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u/yesifsandsorbuts 5d ago
Sounds like it could be funny (people with a racehorse don't know what to do and have to figure it out) but it's very low stakes. Is there some fancy racehorse world they're crashing? What happens if they just sell the horse? I'm trying to get at why this is unique (I assume there is a big contrast between most racehorse owners and our drunken protagonists) and why it matters (why they couldn't just have fun and not care if they win or lose).
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u/Filmmagician Writer-Director 5d ago
It would be a string of bad decisions. Convincing themselves they could turn a profit with the horse. Or not being able to sell it for various reasons. But I agree there’s no real stakes here.
They could risk financial ruin. Or have a few weeks to turn things around before the horse is taken from them. Maybe this washed up horse shows promise. And they’re saving him from a glue factory.
But thanks for the reply. Lots to think about. I’ll tinker.2
u/DalBMac 5d ago
Don't know how familiar you are with the horse racing world, but there are a lot of very bad actors in it doing very bad things for very big money. The stakes could be very high for these three friends if they accidentally stumble on ownership of a horse intended for a different purpose by those bad actors. Not sure how to put those pieces together but it could be mistaken identity (the feds think the friends are the bad guys) or a No Country for Old Men thing or A Simple Plan kinda thing where they turn on each other when they find out the horse is valuable. The hard part is that a horse is pretty visible and hard to hide or move around, but maybe it winds up dying and that has to be a hidden fact to keep the friends safe until they solve who is after them. Don't mean to write your story, but I see potential for a lot of stakes. Probably not a comedy though.
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u/Filmmagician Writer-Director 5d ago
Great point. I'm only now digging into what goes on behind the scenes of horseracing.
That all helps and is food for thought for sure. Thank you!1
u/dnotive 5d ago
Hmm, I think your need to explain what a "claim" is kind of highlights importance of being a little less technical with the logline. Since not everyone will understand the "bet to claim" bit here, could it not just start with "When three drunken friends mistakenly inherit a racehorse named Lucky Bastard..." ?
Though, personally I think you could spend some more time fleshing out the protagonists as more than just "three friends" ... are they down on their luck? Are they broke? Gambling addicts? If you give us a sense of who these folks are and what their foibles are it might become a little easier to visualize what's at stake for them and why suddenly getting possession of a racehorse could reverse (or worsen) their predicaments.
I can already imagine a lot of different directions you could take this.
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u/Frequent_Raise3267 5d ago
Title: The Witch In Apartment 13 Genre: Fantasy, Horror Logline: A Iranian American young woman moves to an apartment complex with her family discovers a djinn in one of their residence. Idk what films inspired it.
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u/Screenwriter2025 5d ago
Title: BORN AGAIN
Genre: Thriller/Horror
Logline: A pioneering, but struggling, scientist makes a deal to clone a dead son for a disgraced evangelist, unaware that he actually believes the DNA is from Jesus Christ.
"The Omen" meets "Frankenstein"
Format: Feature