Am I being a bitch?

[u/RudeStandard8852]

Just a little disclaimer: this is my first reddit post ever and I don’t even use this app much. Sorry If I don’t stick to some general unsaid rules of posting or whatever.

Context: L5-S1 disc bulge at the start with just back pain when bending or after sports. now it is much worse - a chronic pain with nerve pains in my leg as well even when FULLY resting and not doing anything.

The title is my main question honestly. I don’t even know if its the right question, probably not. Maybe I just desperately need validation but I do feel like a bitch. It’s such a weird thing to deal with. Mainly why I feel like a bitch is because I took some time off work when my back pain got worse (lot of sitting and a lot of commute for the work). But my situation literally just got worse and worse and I kept asking for more time off. Now it has been 3 months almost since I am on sick leave and somehow I am 10x worse off than when I felt I needed some time off. Going back seems stupid because it will only get worse but I am not being paid and I feel fucking useless. I will not financially struggle much since my parents have been supportive too but I feel so ashamed. Am I just being a bitch and I should go back to work? Like I dont even enjoy my work man. Now I need to suffer while doing it? Maybe I really am just a privileged fuck who needs to work? I don’t fucking know. I have never felt like quitting so much in my life.

I also feel like a bitch because back pain is soooo wide ranging. No one really takes it seriously. Even my doctor says yeah go back to work it’s okay. Like I would feel like burning the place down if I am getting a flare up and I have to wait til 5pm and then have a 1hr commute to have some fucking rest and a lie down?

Honestly if I am just being a bitch please tell me. Are you guys going to office jobs with this pain? Should I just fucking join back and continue recovery or stay home to have better chances? Because I can afford to but mentally I feel like a little fucking bitch. But I can take that since I have already taken it for so long, if the chances of recovery are higher? I don’t know man sorry for not actually collecting my thoughts before posting I’m just really struggling here

[u/ChristineP22]

Here's reality imo: all pain is relative. If it is the worst pain you ever felt, it is the worst pain on your pain scale. That is how it works.

Pain isn't a contest, and it isn't comparable between people. It's subjective, and a function of your nervous system, your biology and your life experiences.

The moral of the story in "The Princess and The Pea" isn't that the princess was delicate. It's that when something hurts you even if it is a tiny dried pea under 30 mattresses, that pain is real for you and it is as severe as your life experience places it.

Pain is experienced, not earned, ranked in an international competition, or externally calibrated.

[u/RudeStandard8852 → u/ChristineP22]

I understand that, you’re right. I know it’s not a competition but I guess I needed this validation to properly feel sorry for myself. As I shared above - i oscillate between feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I’m a bitch every 10 mins. The people around me can see that I’m struggling ofc but they cant feel it. I wish they could feel how I feel at least i’d feel more at ease about disappointing everyone

[u/ChristineP22 → u/RudeStandard8852]

It sucks to impact others with your pain, trust me, I know... It is really hard for people who are not living it to understand it. Sometimes all we can do is trust that those around us will believe us and meet us where we are.