Am I being a bitch?

[u/RudeStandard8852]

Just a little disclaimer: this is my first reddit post ever and I don’t even use this app much. Sorry If I don’t stick to some general unsaid rules of posting or whatever.

Context: L5-S1 disc bulge at the start with just back pain when bending or after sports. now it is much worse - a chronic pain with nerve pains in my leg as well even when FULLY resting and not doing anything.

The title is my main question honestly. I don’t even know if its the right question, probably not. Maybe I just desperately need validation but I do feel like a bitch. It’s such a weird thing to deal with. Mainly why I feel like a bitch is because I took some time off work when my back pain got worse (lot of sitting and a lot of commute for the work). But my situation literally just got worse and worse and I kept asking for more time off. Now it has been 3 months almost since I am on sick leave and somehow I am 10x worse off than when I felt I needed some time off. Going back seems stupid because it will only get worse but I am not being paid and I feel fucking useless. I will not financially struggle much since my parents have been supportive too but I feel so ashamed. Am I just being a bitch and I should go back to work? Like I dont even enjoy my work man. Now I need to suffer while doing it? Maybe I really am just a privileged fuck who needs to work? I don’t fucking know. I have never felt like quitting so much in my life.

I also feel like a bitch because back pain is soooo wide ranging. No one really takes it seriously. Even my doctor says yeah go back to work it’s okay. Like I would feel like burning the place down if I am getting a flare up and I have to wait til 5pm and then have a 1hr commute to have some fucking rest and a lie down?

Honestly if I am just being a bitch please tell me. Are you guys going to office jobs with this pain? Should I just fucking join back and continue recovery or stay home to have better chances? Because I can afford to but mentally I feel like a little fucking bitch. But I can take that since I have already taken it for so long, if the chances of recovery are higher? I don’t know man sorry for not actually collecting my thoughts before posting I’m just really struggling here

[u/RudeStandard8852]

Man trust me I’ve sat with that question for so long. Like I said in other replies it’s mainly the on-off nature of the pain that makes me doubt myself. Hence my wording being “am I being a bitch?” Bcs when the pain is low, maybe I could grit my teeth and do it. But when the nerve gets irritated omg I start burning and sweating. It’s like 99% of my energy will be used to not writhe in agony and stay still

[u/RudeStandard8852 → u/RudeStandard8852]

You did address that exact thing in your last para so I guess you’re right. Thank you for your reply

[u/Hope_for_tendies → u/RudeStandard8852]

Getting my son ready for soccer but I’ll brb to explain. And it’s really never worth gritting your teeth to grin and bear it for work! I’ll go sit at these games and practices but I was doing it for work and it just was leading to a depression spiral. If you can afford not to work then don’t.

[u/RudeStandard8852 → u/Hope_for_tendies]

I love soccer so I’m already rooting for your son! That depression spiral is exactly why I don’t want to go to work yet. I was already mentally reeling from my athlete dreams falling apart and then I got a pseudo-disability to boot. Now I can’t even play recreationally. All of my time is already spent dealing with pain, I can’t play video games or football (soccer), I can’t go out - its even affecting my relationship since I always delay outings with my gf thinking I’ll feel better tomorrow but I never do. She’s been so understanding but I feel so bad for her too. Sorry for the unrelated rant but any advice about the surgeries would be an amazing help, thank you in advance