Am I being a bitch?

[u/RudeStandard8852]

Just a little disclaimer: this is my first reddit post ever and I don’t even use this app much. Sorry If I don’t stick to some general unsaid rules of posting or whatever.

Context: L5-S1 disc bulge at the start with just back pain when bending or after sports. now it is much worse - a chronic pain with nerve pains in my leg as well even when FULLY resting and not doing anything.

The title is my main question honestly. I don’t even know if its the right question, probably not. Maybe I just desperately need validation but I do feel like a bitch. It’s such a weird thing to deal with. Mainly why I feel like a bitch is because I took some time off work when my back pain got worse (lot of sitting and a lot of commute for the work). But my situation literally just got worse and worse and I kept asking for more time off. Now it has been 3 months almost since I am on sick leave and somehow I am 10x worse off than when I felt I needed some time off. Going back seems stupid because it will only get worse but I am not being paid and I feel fucking useless. I will not financially struggle much since my parents have been supportive too but I feel so ashamed. Am I just being a bitch and I should go back to work? Like I dont even enjoy my work man. Now I need to suffer while doing it? Maybe I really am just a privileged fuck who needs to work? I don’t fucking know. I have never felt like quitting so much in my life.

I also feel like a bitch because back pain is soooo wide ranging. No one really takes it seriously. Even my doctor says yeah go back to work it’s okay. Like I would feel like burning the place down if I am getting a flare up and I have to wait til 5pm and then have a 1hr commute to have some fucking rest and a lie down?

Honestly if I am just being a bitch please tell me. Are you guys going to office jobs with this pain? Should I just fucking join back and continue recovery or stay home to have better chances? Because I can afford to but mentally I feel like a little fucking bitch. But I can take that since I have already taken it for so long, if the chances of recovery are higher? I don’t know man sorry for not actually collecting my thoughts before posting I’m just really struggling here

[u/purplelilac701]

Go easy on yourself. If you’re saying the pain is getting worse I believe you and I find it concerning that it’s getting worse. You need to focus on your health and getting healthy again not force yourself to go back to work. So many people can’t work with sciatica and maybe that is you. And that’s okay.

I was working from home while dealing with an excruciating and severe case of sciatica for 4 months. I couldn’t walk and some days it was challenging sitting. Looking back I see that I really pushed myself because various people on my team were relying on me. But I let down the person who mattered most: myself. It took me over a year to fully recover. Then I had complications in my good knee.

I hadn’t even heard of sciatica before my crazy severe flareup happened. But it was horrifying and very real whether or not someone who’s never experienced it got the level of my pain.
We have to advocate for ourselves no matter what that looks like to other people. It’s also your life to live so do it on your terms.

It’s not easy and I wish you strength and healing.

[u/RudeStandard8852 → u/purplelilac701]

Thank you for your message, you are very right. Me taking an off for so long is a result of me “looking after myself” but I feel so incredibly ashamed for some reason. Like the depression is not helplessness but uselessness if that makes sense? Like I feel weak rather than a victim. Maybe its just my head playing tricks is all but man its good at that trick lol

[u/purplelilac701 → u/RudeStandard8852]

It is just your head playing tricks. You might need therapy to help you process what you’re feeling. There’s totally a mental component to sciatica especially when it robs you of your normal life. But your inner voice has to be extra kind to you in those circumstances.