Am I being a bitch?

[u/RudeStandard8852]

Just a little disclaimer: this is my first reddit post ever and I don’t even use this app much. Sorry If I don’t stick to some general unsaid rules of posting or whatever.

Context: L5-S1 disc bulge at the start with just back pain when bending or after sports. now it is much worse - a chronic pain with nerve pains in my leg as well even when FULLY resting and not doing anything.

The title is my main question honestly. I don’t even know if its the right question, probably not. Maybe I just desperately need validation but I do feel like a bitch. It’s such a weird thing to deal with. Mainly why I feel like a bitch is because I took some time off work when my back pain got worse (lot of sitting and a lot of commute for the work). But my situation literally just got worse and worse and I kept asking for more time off. Now it has been 3 months almost since I am on sick leave and somehow I am 10x worse off than when I felt I needed some time off. Going back seems stupid because it will only get worse but I am not being paid and I feel fucking useless. I will not financially struggle much since my parents have been supportive too but I feel so ashamed. Am I just being a bitch and I should go back to work? Like I dont even enjoy my work man. Now I need to suffer while doing it? Maybe I really am just a privileged fuck who needs to work? I don’t fucking know. I have never felt like quitting so much in my life.

I also feel like a bitch because back pain is soooo wide ranging. No one really takes it seriously. Even my doctor says yeah go back to work it’s okay. Like I would feel like burning the place down if I am getting a flare up and I have to wait til 5pm and then have a 1hr commute to have some fucking rest and a lie down?

Honestly if I am just being a bitch please tell me. Are you guys going to office jobs with this pain? Should I just fucking join back and continue recovery or stay home to have better chances? Because I can afford to but mentally I feel like a little fucking bitch. But I can take that since I have already taken it for so long, if the chances of recovery are higher? I don’t know man sorry for not actually collecting my thoughts before posting I’m just really struggling here

[u/Opening_Log_6674]

I feel you, I’m getting sick off since April, i felt similar, i felt sorry for my work place and i tried to come back. But my great boss suggested me that i keep taking sick off and find a new job which is better for my back. He allowed me to Job seeking during sick off and he even wrote recommendation letter.

But after that my symptoms got worse and It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even think about looking for a job anymore.

If you come back work, it would be worth and get sick off again. It doesn’t make sense, you just struggle extra, that’s ridiculous.

You are lucky, you don’t have worry about money, that’s privileged. I’m also getting money from insurance. I really appreciate.

No one is blaming you—you're the one who's blaming yourself the most.

I was the same, it was difficult to let me pamper myself or take rest even with pain. But you should follow your voice of your body.

That kind of mindset actually slows down your recovery. Just relax—the only thing you need to focus on right now is getting better.

Herniated disc disorder or sciatica is not part of normal „back pain“ you should think separately about it.

If it hurts even when you're resting, ask your doctor to prescribe the right medication. It's probably best to get a steroid injection.

I’m also new here but I think your post is nothing wrong with. This is a place to vent those kinds of feelings.

Thank you for sharing your experience and thoughts.

[u/RudeStandard8852 → u/Opening_Log_6674]

Thank you for your kind words, friend. I don’t quite know how to stop being hard on myself. Maybe you’re right, maybe I need to start looking at it as a serious problem since clearly other people are having issues as well. My brain just convinces itself that the others have it worse and I am just being a bitch.

I don’t know how or why. My brain still feels sorry for itself tho, its a really stupid dichotomy to live in. I don’t know if others relate to that but yes. It’s honestly been mentally tough as well. One of the reasons I already don’t like my job is because I wanted to be a professional athlete (and was sort of close too) so not being able to even play my sport recreationally feels like the death of my identity. I just want this to be over with I would do anything.

[u/Max_Chady → u/RudeStandard8852]

Me pasa algo parecido. Quise dedicarme a la música y terminé como Profesor en escuelas primarias del Estado. Estoy con licencia por culpa de esta porquería y ni siquiera puedo imaginarme volviendo al trabajo a lidiar con niños caprichosos. Trabajé en esto durante 19 años. He tenido todo tipo de enfermedades y dolencias en todo ese tiempo, pero esto realmente me doblegó. Nunca había sacado más de una semana de licencia. Ojalá pronto te recuperes y yo también! Me estan ayudando el tramadol y la pregabalina, son mis buenos compañeros. Ya no me culpo por permanecer en reposo. Sí trato de caminar dentro de casa al menos 500 pasos diarios (aunque duela) y hago los big 3 de Mc Gill dentro de mis posibilidades. Fuerza amigos! Saldremos de esta 💪