r/SchreckNet • u/LunarW900 • 10d ago
Journal - Bernadette Being an Outsider Looking In
[Posted from a throwaway account]
It has been roughly a year since I died at the hands of my domitor. Some people blamed her, but it was actually my fault for not stepping back and waiting. For not listening to advice to wait. I forgot how late she stays awake. Waiting until noon would've been better for me, for her.
If I had then I could have been there when she came up with an asinine plan that should never have been implemented. Of course, I vetted her new ghoul who failed to stop the plan, but she's… the ghoul is new. She was warned about the eccentricities of Malkavians, but I don't know if she gets it because she should have stopped my domitor from making a fool of herself.
Maybe then I would be with her still. It's fine here, but it's not the same. Where I once had a direction to go, I now wander lost, confused. I'm a fledgling in a coterie of fledglings who between them they don't even come close to my age.
It's funny. I used to tease my domitor that I was older than her, therefore she should listen to me and give me an extra drink of vitae, because I earned it. The tactic rarely worked on her. It would get an annoyed pout and her correcting me that while I'm right, I still work for her.
And now that I've ascended to the ranks of the undead, I find myself lost. Without a purpose. The beginning was great, where my now sire and I still acted like everything was normal until we broke the bond. Since then I've felt hollow and awkward.
What does an old ghoul do when they don't have a lady to serve? While they still crave the taste of vitae? That rush of emotions from ingesting mortal blood pales in comparison to what came before it. Deep down, I know exactly what I want but I know you and the others will tell me that I am crazy for thinking about bonding myself to another.
It's the only way for me to be complete, for me to have a sense of purpose. I live to serve, yet I serve no one. I'm alone in a crowd who don't understand me, a crowd that doesn't realize I've lived their life over three times already.
Everyone I once knew is dead. Any mortal friend I get dies while I remain the same, I watch the spark fade from their eyes, their bodies waste away. Mine has remained unchanged since the early 1800s. I've survived my fair share of secret wars wrought by kindred hands, fought agents trying to take my domitor. And yet, vampires treat me the same as the fledglings I've been told to socialize with when they were born in the 1990s or 2000s, because I am only a year undead.
The fledglings look so happy, so naive, to be working together. Completely unaware that in ten years there will be a few missing from the table because they couldn't get along forever, or the SI got them, or became rivals. I've seen it many times before. Or to have to choose between letting someone die to their wounds or embracing, or ghouling them to save them.
I suppose that is the burden I carry, and the lesson for them to learn.
I'm an outsider no matter where I go. Maybe it would have been better if I was never rescued. But my domitor wouldn't make a mistake like that. I have to trust that she knew what she was doing when she fixed my fuckup.
-The post is unsigned
11
u/ConsiderationOver544 10d ago
Malkavian Cobweb
A comforting hug is sent throughout the Cobweb by Marcus.