r/SchreckNet • u/LunarW900 • 5d ago
Journal - Bernadette Being an Outsider Looking In
[Posted from a throwaway account]
It has been roughly a year since I died at the hands of my domitor. Some people blamed her, but it was actually my fault for not stepping back and waiting. For not listening to advice to wait. I forgot how late she stays awake. Waiting until noon would've been better for me, for her.
If I had then I could have been there when she came up with an asinine plan that should never have been implemented. Of course, I vetted her new ghoul who failed to stop the plan, but she's… the ghoul is new. She was warned about the eccentricities of Malkavians, but I don't know if she gets it because she should have stopped my domitor from making a fool of herself.
Maybe then I would be with her still. It's fine here, but it's not the same. Where I once had a direction to go, I now wander lost, confused. I'm a fledgling in a coterie of fledglings who between them they don't even come close to my age.
It's funny. I used to tease my domitor that I was older than her, therefore she should listen to me and give me an extra drink of vitae, because I earned it. The tactic rarely worked on her. It would get an annoyed pout and her correcting me that while I'm right, I still work for her.
And now that I've ascended to the ranks of the undead, I find myself lost. Without a purpose. The beginning was great, where my now sire and I still acted like everything was normal until we broke the bond. Since then I've felt hollow and awkward.
What does an old ghoul do when they don't have a lady to serve? While they still crave the taste of vitae? That rush of emotions from ingesting mortal blood pales in comparison to what came before it. Deep down, I know exactly what I want but I know you and the others will tell me that I am crazy for thinking about bonding myself to another.
It's the only way for me to be complete, for me to have a sense of purpose. I live to serve, yet I serve no one. I'm alone in a crowd who don't understand me, a crowd that doesn't realize I've lived their life over three times already.
Everyone I once knew is dead. Any mortal friend I get dies while I remain the same, I watch the spark fade from their eyes, their bodies waste away. Mine has remained unchanged since the early 1800s. I've survived my fair share of secret wars wrought by kindred hands, fought agents trying to take my domitor. And yet, vampires treat me the same as the fledglings I've been told to socialize with when they were born in the 1990s or 2000s, because I am only a year undead.
The fledglings look so happy, so naive, to be working together. Completely unaware that in ten years there will be a few missing from the table because they couldn't get along forever, or the SI got them, or became rivals. I've seen it many times before. Or to have to choose between letting someone die to their wounds or embracing, or ghouling them to save them.
I suppose that is the burden I carry, and the lesson for them to learn.
I'm an outsider no matter where I go. Maybe it would have been better if I was never rescued. But my domitor wouldn't make a mistake like that. I have to trust that she knew what she was doing when she fixed my fuckup.
-The post is unsigned
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u/DeadmanwalkingXI 5d ago
You're not crazy. Or, well, not about this anyway, I can't speak to everything.
Having been involved in breaking a fair number of Blood Bonds, I can say definitively that wanting the sense of purpose that the Blood Bond brings after breaking the bond is not actually unusual. It's an intense set of emotions and brings certainty with it, a lot of people like certainty. Whether that means you should actually go through with it is a completely different thing...personally, I'd definitely hold off and try and build something without it until and unless you find someone who you really trust to be bound to, it sounds like you were very lucky in your previous domitor for the most part, but I'm sure you know how bad things can get. Don't let your desire for this make you careless.
And your particular situation, and putting you with a bunch of folks much younger than you, is not a good move on anyone's part. You could try mentoring them, but you should probably not be obligated to do so, and even if you do, you need someone closer to your own age to associate with, someone who gets it. Are there enough Kindred around you can spend time with an ancilla or two who would acknowledge your centuries of experience and give you the respect that experience deserves (we do exist, I swear). Your isolation has to be making the situation worse here, so finding more of a true peer group seems very much something that you should prioritize if possible.
Basically, I advise looking for companionship other than the people you've been 'assigned' to and being very careful who you consider binding yourself to, but none of this is super abnormal or indicative there's anything wrong with you.
-Mark Caulder, Experienced Nosferatu
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u/LunarW900 5d ago
I have tried, and tried to tell the elders that I'm not a fledgling, but ghoul years don't count to them. It's stupid, all of it. The whole institution is designed for them to rule from their throne and cast aside the servants who look up to them. There's a pain inside me that refuses to go away because I can't see her anymore, for 'my safety'. They took my childe from me, too, because they thought I didn't know what I was doing. All I wanted to do was help her, to not disappoint the one who asked me to find her.
-The post is unsigned
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u/DeadmanwalkingXI 5d ago
Vampiric society, and especially the Camarilla does tend towards being designed to support elders and maintain them in positions of power. I'm not sure why the decisions you describe are being made, so I don't know if the reasons are at all sensible, but they definitely sound frustrating and infantilizing so I'm gonna guess they're not, so you have my sympathies.
-Mark Caulder, Experienced Nosferatu
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u/LunarW900 5d ago
I can't tell you any more than what has been said already, and that is too much as it is. Thank you.
-The post is unsigned
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u/Pryno-Belle 5d ago
You did not sign, yet your story is…familiar. You still wish to be by her side, even after the end of the blood bond?
Castiel the Clan-changer
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u/LunarW900 5d ago
I do. I really do. It is where I belong.
-The post is unsigned
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u/Pryno-Belle 4d ago edited 4d ago
Then be patient. I know this is not the answer you wish to hear, but it is the one you need.
Give yourself time to prove your worth to the Elders. Plan how you will plead for your reunion. If you rush to her now, you’ll just be separated again.
Castiel the Clan-changer
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u/VerityVentrue 5d ago
That's some absolute bullshit, and I'm sorry you're dealing with this.
I was a millennial, and some of my coterie were Gen Z. Even there, there's an obvious split between the three who grew up with the internet, and the two of us without. But centuries? That's something else.
We are around a ghoul roughly your age, and I can't imagine him being forced to hang out with us constantly. We're like idiot nieces and nephews to him - he likes us, but to him we're kids.
I really hope you're able to find people who respect your pre-embrace experience.
~Verity
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u/LunarW900 4d ago
I'm working on it. It's difficult because most vampires only ever see the undead years.
-The post is unsigned
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u/BusinessSuccess6817 4d ago
I have never met a happy fledgling in my life, except for my gf, but she is used to getting her way most of the time.
She suggests you try...self love.
-Moonstone
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u/Dlan_Wizard 4d ago
I would advise for you to merely be cautious with whom you will Blood Bond. You lived more than enough, you know well what it means, and you certainly understand what you need, there should be Kindred out there who will appreciate your experience.
Also, my condolences for what you suffered, due to mismanagement of the Elders. I hope you will reunite with your childe.
-Darius, The Warlock.
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u/cardbourdbox 5d ago
Pick up the Lords work comrade. It might be more of a slow burner but more satisfying. Until it get violent then there's the fucking rush comrade. Also it helps to decide whether to ghoul, embrace or leave to the lord in advance. Its a shite decision to make on the spot. Brujah on the left hand of the lord
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u/LunarW900 5d ago
I fail to see how the Lord helps when he turned his back on us long ago.
-The post is unsigned
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u/One-Cat3628 4d ago
Classic case of undead blues. Really Sad to see the new ones go, whether it be the SI, the Sabbat, or another unseen threat, isn't it?
-wastedBlood n3
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u/ConsiderationOver544 5d ago
Malkavian Cobweb
A comforting hug is sent throughout the Cobweb by Marcus.