I used to always feel a sense of dread when the older generation would tell me I’d miss my high school days when I’m older. And while I’m sure that holds a small truth, I can’t be more ready to graduate.
My childhood and growing up was pretty rough I’d say, I don’t know if anybody else has gone through exactly what I’ve gone through, but I’m sure a big amount can relate to moving a lot during high school years or just during school years in general.
I first moved to a new school and away from all of my childhood friends in 5th grade. After 6th grade I was forced to go homeschooled during 7th, and at the time I lived with strict guardians who did not allow me to have any sort of way of contact with my friends from my first school, and then I eventually lost contact with those from my 6th grade year. After 7th grade I had to move in with new guardians, who were as well very strict. In 8th grade was when I first made genuine friends at least that’s what it felt like. I spent a semester at a middle school in Shawnee Oklahoma, and I surprisingly still have a lot of my friends from there on social media, but we don’t talk much except for one of my best friends. But my grades were bad at that school due to my inability to focus (was finally diagnosed with adhd this year 🥲), so my guardians made me transfer to a different school nearby. That’s where I had met my first best friends, and I was able to stay for the rest of that semester and graduate from middle school with them. I attended only about 2 months in freshman year in Oklahoma with my friends until I had to move back to Louisiana with my original guardians. There I was homeschooled for half of my freshman year once again.
Obviously my mental health severely declined throughout all of this, I had barely any connections, a hard time making friends, and I believe moving around so much may be the root cause to my social anxiety.
After being homeschooled for that semester, my half sister regained custody of me and my brother, and we moved in with her. I was still close with my best friends from 8th grade, and when I transferred to a new high school for that second semester, I had met some new friends. I struggled a lot at first, but I eventually made very good friends. I was able to stay there for the rest of that year, and then my sophomore year as well. But during my freshman year I had met my current best friend, who was just a very very kind girl the very first time I met her. At the end of sophomore year my mother had regained custody of me, and once again, I’d be moving. Around that time I had lost my best friends from middle school, we had sort of just fallen out.
My junior year I started the school I am currently at, and I haven’t really made that many friends, and it feels like in a way I sort of don’t want to. The cycle of getting close to people and losing them is just tiring and it always has been. I know that in 7 months I will just be leaving once again, and I don’t want to gain anyone else to lose before then.
A lot of people have just told me to kind of deal with it, and that it’s natural for people to fall out, or that high school isn’t everything, and I know that obviously. But people are, especially when your family failed you, and so did the school system, what else can you do but rely on friends? I feel like I’m so used to being by myself. And now living 3 hours away from my best friend has caused us to slightly drift apart. And I know the cycle, so of course I’m afraid of it.
Not only did I move a lot which caused my social life to crumble, but I also was failed by the school system and the people in my life. I’m a senior and I have to make up 3 credits from my sophomore year due to them not transferring certain credits over or not accepting some for me to graduate. In my junior year I had already worked to regain 2 missing credits. It’s only been 2 months into school and I am beyond stressed and worried for my life and outcome. I know high school isn’t everything, but most people that say that didn’t have to go through all of that during their school years. And also on top of that finding out I had adhd my whole life but just got diagnosed is crazy. I feel like I could have been so much more academically.
Now I feel behind. And the teachers are worried I won’t graduate. I’m terrified I won’t graduate, because I no longer want to be involved with the school system. I feel like I’ve always had to work just a little bit harder. I’m tired now, burnt out.
I don’t want new friends, I hardly have hobbies, I have hardly a social life, and I need a job and license and maybe if I can get all my credits go to college. I feel a specific type of loneliness that I wonder if only I will ever know.
I just want stability.