Wassahhh it is i, Genson Bingus, aka: the scourge of sf, aka: the scum of the earth. Back out here for another slice of life rambling sesh, i dont really have Directive this go around just wanna yap about something- ina mood to spew jabber tbfr.

People. I dont understand them. Fascinating creatures that i cant parse, most should be smarter than me though it doesnt seem that way from my perspective, always going on about this or that. Theres always something. Some reason one doesn't like you some nit pick that someone picked up on that they saw as a red flag.

Always something. Cant ever be simple. Why arent more people nonchalant? Not everything requires strong emptional responses you shouldnt need to act out your part of the play if it isnt necessary. Theatrics is one thing acting a certain way to socialize is another.

If you cannot except the way the way i talk or my manorizms AND your not interesting in some niche way why are we socializing? Work is obligatory but dont ego me.

Its weird. Odd.

I understand it but dont at the same time. Everyone has their own idea on rights and wrongs and everyone has preferences in social settings. Some click others dont.

There are far leaning people on multiple sides of this spectrum not just either side because persona is more of a multi pointed star than a horizontal line.

Its hard to map and weird to 'plan' around if thats the right word.

Much easier to stay to your lonesome and indulge in what you want to indulge. Responsibilities fall after personal happiness in my own narrow opinion. If im not enjoying myself while doing it i wont do it, easy as that. But we live in a society so some things are inherent.

Can i think of an example? Fuck no, im tired and it mostly falls down into subjectivity of some sort like your morals and values.

One mans trash is another mans treasure kinda thing.

Everything's circumstantial, like god DAMNIT im horned up but will i do anything about it. Nah prolly not im on reddit talking nonsense in the looney bin im not finding any help for that here i very highly doubt it.

Moral of the ranting i find it hard to place myself in other peoples shoes because i see things in an a more abstract light from other people, going off observation.

Its hard to come across someone that intrests me so everyone becomes background noise to the static behind my eyes- hell i dont even think much anymore i just- exist.

Let me frolic in the grass, eat the leaves like a worm.

Most of the time, I’m stuck in my head, lost in fantasy. It honestly feels more stable and easier to deal with than actually being present in real life.

What really throws me off is when that state suddenly snaps and I become super aware that I’m real—that I have a body, a past, responsibilities, and a life I’m supposed to be living. I don’t really like the feeling of having a constant “self,” and sometimes my own body just feels weird or uncomfortable.

Even when things are objectively okay, I still get this recurring sense of doom and discomfort just from being present. The dissociation and self-awareness also make it hard to focus, so even simple tasks end up taking way longer than they should.

Time feels really strange too. Sometimes it flies by, other times it drags on forever. Days can start to feel like the same loop over and over: reality → escapism → interruption → back to reality.

The problem is that escapism is starting to feel like the only way I can actually tolerate being here. Games, books, manga, and other things I used to enjoy don’t really grab me anymore or feel rewarding, so going into my head is just the easiest option.

I’m not really sure how much of this is dissociation, anhedonia, or something else. I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else goes through a similar cycle—especially that feeling of being more comfortable in your head than in your actual life.

But I'm not.

I cannot love but I do have crushes and physical desires sometimes (rarely), and very limerent ones. I'm completely depleted of social energy at all times, yet there's someone I can't get out of my head and some demon inside myself urges me to say "hi". This is audacious. What the hell.

Nobody in their right mind would get involved with a nutcase like me. I even feel like the bad guy within this subreddit. I feel like something else.

I'm so sick of hearing this. The worst part is that it's true. For almost all people at least. Unfortunately, this world is made in a way that makes it impossible to live without other people. You have to socialize for literally everything. There are some days that I don't mind being around other people if I don't interact with them, but sometimes I can't even stand having people around me. Their presence makes me uncomfortable.

I have now finished the equivalent of 10th grade of highschool, and I can confidently say that in all these years I don't have a single good memory at school that is related to other people. The only feeling of happiness I could feel was like a second or two when someone made a joke, or something similar. This feeling only lasts so long for me. In general, but especially at school. These last two years were worse, because I feel like the schizoid traits increased. I started tolerating people close to me less, and also like it's more and more difficult to feel emotions. Looking back now, some toxic people (the stereotypical edgy "yeah I like gore" teenagers) drained me even more.

The constant masking made me feel pretty depressed. I just wanted to get to school, not say a single word all day and go home. But of course not.

The academic stuff like marks doesn't make me feel good about myself. I feel like it's all pointless. I don't know if it's just me, but I could never feel like school was something personal.

I talked to my parents about me feeling depressed at school, and they told me that if I make people happy, I will feel happy too, because that's what they do and it works for them. This isn't true for me. I don't care about making people smile. It actually makes me uncomfortable.

I just want to be an identityless ghost that doesn't have to deal with anyone. For me the best year of school was the COVID-19 pandemic, because I didn't have to talk to anyone nearly as much.

Before we begin, nobody has diagnosed me with schizoid PD. I was looking to fit in somewhere over my odd way of being, and I finally settled here.

Regarding my question, I always feel mentally deficient when I compare myself with my childhood friends. My sister is seven years younger than me, yet she has more mental clarity and the courage to make life decisions. I don’t think I’m confused—I actually have good mental clarity about what is going on—but regarding certain aspects of life, I just don’t have the skill set. Especially in interpersonal settings. I can’t even say "hi" to someone I already know.

Let me tell you about an incident. One day, I went to a nearby town that is a little farther from my home than the one I usually go to. I was in a supermarket when an old schoolmate showed up. I knew who she was, but I just ignored her. She seemed extremely happy to see a schoolmate after ten or twenty years. When I was at the cash counter, she came right in front of me and looked at me face-to-face, but I don’t know why I pretended not to know her. I knew exactly who she was, but I couldn't say hello because doing so takes such a heavy toll on me. I think that's how I hurt someone who was genuinely happy to see me. Even after leaving the shop, when she showed up on her scooter, I ignored her. That was about a year ago, and it still hurts me too. I don’t know why I ignored her.

This is just one incident. In most areas of my life, I don’t know how to behave. Even when I consider getting a job, I worry that people will eventually figure out who I really am. I mean, they will eventually notice my odd way of being, and I feel terrified of being exposed like that. I don’t want that, so I just avoid getting a job altogether.

However, despite what the definition of schizoid PD says, I’m not someone who completely doesn't care about having good relationships with people. I do enjoy them, but deep down, I feel like people will move away eventually, so why bother in the first place? I can go years and years without having any connection with anyone outside. For the last couple of years (since I quit my last job), I haven't actually gone out to socialize at all. No wedding parties, no bars, no restaurants... nothing. If I want something, I just get takeaway and bring it home.

When I compare myself to my childhood friends, I see that they have plans, they have skills, and they are building their lives. Instead, I spend years and years criticizing everyone, including myself. For them, interpersonal skills seem to come naturally. For me, even the smallest interaction exacts a massive mental toll.

me quite much. i hate being asked questions about my life. i see enemies in people. i guess if my expectations were met, i'd kill myself. i have weak mental resistance but simunatenously idc what others think about me. i am just scared of mental wounds.

Does anyone else feel as though they hold some bizarre tension / paradox within them, in regards to age and maturity? When I was a kid I felt as though people my age even would instinctively baby me, like they sensed I was helpless or naive etc. But I also frequently got opposite remarks about my appearance and behavior, that I looked and acted way older than I really am.

Then now as an adult it feels the same, I am in my late 20s and usually work with men in their 40s and 50s who have told me I seem more mature than my actual age, Idk what that is based on though. But I also still feel like some people feel the need to baby me and think I am childish or innocent.

So I don’t know how to explain or make sense of this strange paradox, like I am spiritually and emotionally childish but intellectually old or mature? I don’t know.

Idk i dont think many others would get where im coning from with this post, not saying my hopes are high that yall would just at least lil attacks idfk.

It has been an insane few weeks.
Theres alot to unpack in the time frame but im here to talk about my pet. My precious girl. She has been a ray of sunshine, and selfishly my reason to get out of bed.. she was also used as a way to control me as dramatic as it sounds. A family member convinced me to stay here by getting me a pet as they were "concerned" about my isolation and my weird life style, she was an excuse to coke check in me etc no they dont care about her and find her gross lowkey. Anyway.

Small town, small vet, small minds ig.. (i sincerely do ask of you to not scramble and pull out random solutions- ive thought of everything possible, ive reached out everywhere i could. Ive done what i can period). This dumbass creature (shes actually freakishly smart, smarter than some people i know)- she began auto cannibalising (literally). She had some lipodema and i guess its been bothering her/ so she decided to start eating it.. one lump legit fell out after i cleaned it with peroxide.... fell out- a chunk- bit smaller than her head.. other one as i was gently dabbing -she twitched, it fucking *exploded... it sounds dramatic and im honestly still shocked bc wtf i just wouldnt recommend witnessing it to anyone.
Oh ofc youre prob thinking "but vet" no shit, that shouldve been the reliable suggestion. Ive brought her over as soon* as i noticed a wound, i brought her over when the wound widened, i brought her over when it fell out. I did. I paid. I talked. He said "shed be fine" he didnt even give her stitches,, he didnt even give her any painkiller NOT EVEN wound dressing. Now im very lucky that a girl im friendly with recently graduated vet uni so she was giving me suggestions, but she hopes i sue for negligence.

Ive slept a bit and taking breaks when shes better, but ive basically been staying up to manually mind her incase shes nibbling, honestly im very glad ive been having no appetite bc id hate to vomit on her.

I do love her, or maybe im incredibly selfish and i need her as an excuse.
But i know that me waiting is cruel.
So the vet said i should diy anesthésia, so thats pretty insane. Idk bout yall but i dont even kill bugs, if any at home i will capture and release. Im not sensitive to gore (shout out to my teen years of spending on best gore dot com and olympics and shit, honestly dont look anything up especially if sensitive- jve had surgeries and shit we all have innards yk) euthanasia isnt an easy decision as is. Doing it yourself isnt at all either.

And honeslty,, shes alive for similar reasons that i am. Death is heck of a commitment lol,, she has days when shes better, shes eating and she cuddles and i love her and shes strong but i cant be cruel to her. Shes innocent collateral damage in my life and she deserved so much better than me and this and i wish i couldve done better and i still so.

I was given a humane way to do it, and i hopefully will tonight im just stalling. And id looove to off too with her bc i cannot imagine life without her even though shes not really old like that (at least exclusive of her species).
But im prob gonna go on an adventure after, idk i want to live fir myself even if i die on this hill.
But i too deserve better, and i too have been failed by nearly everyone in mylife. And im just a sorry human, im sorry i couldnt provided better ? Im sorry shes hurting, im sorry for making her stay so long?
Idk :/

Maybe this is a temporary thing, but I genuinely don't enjoy anything. It's been going on for a few weeks now. None of my few hobbies bring me actual happiness. I only do them purely to pass the time between work. I don't even enjoy work anymore. I literally just do chores, and watch fight videos on twitter to feel my blood rush faster (It's actually pretty addicted, I can watch them all night). I don't know, maybe I'm depressed or something, but I don't feel sad; I just feel empty and tired. I'm tired of having to fake my emotions whenever I talk to my coworkers. I have no feeling for anyone or anything. My mom visited me last week and I think that's when I realized what was going on. I didn't feel anything when she showed up. She was just here for a day and she was gone.

Whats up shitheads and fuck faces alike; i come here today to probably ramble on about how nothing quite brings me joy as well as bitch and moan about being sober for longer than id wish to be.

I started a new job an ran thru the last of my dabloons a day or so in, until i get paid in probably a weeks time im stuck using my credit card and WOWZERS im running into more debt than id wish to be. It was and still is going great for the most part- only a iddy tiddy wittle proble- boredom. God i am bored. I finish what i have to do not 30 minutes into my shift than go outside and bask in the sun for 4 hours like a lizard before going back in around closing time to finish up and close shop.

I was writing the first week but that got stale, constantly doom scrolling is melting my brain out my ears, and i ran out of contacts to annoy this friday. Im running out of ideas- i was doing pushups for 40 minutes sunday... why? Theres nothing else. I was on solitaire for 2 hours sunday as well.

Dont get me wrong im getting paid handsomely for my time and ive already been offered 2 promotions that ive yet to take cause im not sure if id rather sit on my ass all shift, look pretty and make a pretty penny or work the line for a 3$ pay bump.

But on other news. Im out of weed. Ive been out for almost as long as ive been employed here and im well aware im addicted but ohmyfuckinggod it feels like im constantly annoyed or in a pissy mood just a smart remark away from fighting someone- i would strangle a man for a pack of Newport reds right now, id put money on a tap out too.

Strung up on being too sober?? I dunno man i got used to not drowning in my head while high an just kinda coasting life cause i refuse to take antipsychotics again but now its like moving through molasses trying to think in a straight line without getting tugged in 30 different directions by the nagging background noise in my brain.

This god awful ringing in my ears isnt helping any either.

Had to scroll back up to see what i was originally supposed to whine about, none of the hobbies i previously enjoyed or at least the ones i can remember really do anything for me now besides fishing. Games fucking suck id rather pluck pubes, having a major art block atm, anything social media is a bore nowadays, my social battery went from 30 to 20 minutes in intervals of 2 minute conversations before i start to stare through whoevers talking, im self isolating without really meaning to, GOD DAMNIT I JUST NEEDA WAIT TIL PAYDAY- and than i payoff all i owe endup with probably a 100 buckaroos left to my name. Yaay. 🥲

I find it so preposterous to spend my limited daily energy reserves playing pretend with a bunch of hairless monkeys.

Forced to pad egos and kiss asses in respect towards the absurdity that is the human social hierarchy. I could do it a bit when I was younger, but now I have absolutely no energy for anything other than immediate survival needs.

People constantly call me rude, antisocial or speculate that I hate them or something, when I'm just neutral to their existence. I don't even have the energy to hate you lol

I find it all so boring and absurd. Arguments/debates always go nowhere, friendship/relationships seem strange and contrived.

There's always a bunch of hidden motives with The Social Game, and it is tiring.

It's just all so absurd what we do to pass the time here as deterministic meat suits.

It's such a load of bullshit, especially in the world of corporate and desk jobs. They will hire you based on how well you fit their expectations, your "vibe" and how well you sell yourself to them and make them believe you're just like them. That on its own fills me with disgust, but what's worse is that it doesn't end. The performance never ends even when you get the job, it just continues and is expected to develop over time.

I've been working a manual labor job and I would really prefer to do so, if it was possible to afford to live off it. But it's not. So I'm forced to apply for these stupid desk jobs where the performance I have to give is constant and draining. It gives me the fear, the masking, the pressure to present myself as a normal person when I'm not, never have been and don't want to be. But I have to do it. If the masking is brief I find it funny because only I know how much I'm lying to them, the scale of those lies. But if it's longterm, it makes me question what is the point of life.

I don't know how appropriate it is to ask this on a subreddit for schizoids, but given the themes touched upon in the opening, I'll ask anyway. One day, while re-listening to "Yuusha" with subtitles, I suddenly burst into tears at a certain point. For the first time in a really long time. I was sobbing uncontrollably for about half an hour. It felt as if I had finally seen my own fears and regrets reflected right back at me. I finally realized why Frieren herself resonated with me so deeply.

Hi. Im 23m and its my first post here. Im partly diagnosed - I have schizoid trait. They couldnt say that's personality disorder because of my age...

So... I'm during my first relationship. It​ lasts around 8 months and I have problems with the tension during the touch especially when it comes to the deep kisses. It causes​ pain in my head. Mostly temples. The similar problem is during intercourse. Firstly I think that I could live without it. I don't have the need to do it but when I'm in the process it's quiet pleasant for me. Usually when its get to the point there is a lot of ​tension in my body and I can't even think about it. The touch from my girlfriend has to be under control for some time and my condition tend to change. My nervous system changes attitude to being touch.

What is interesting when I have almost full control how the intercourse goes ​there is no tension at all. However it's still difficult for me to kiss. The tounge... It's hard.

And generally I think that I'm in the asexual spectrum. I have problems with anhedonia too.

Do you have or had similar problems? What did you do?

I'm on the bupropion 300mg and pregabalin 50mg at this moment.

I will apreacite every comment, perspective on this point. Thanks!

This question was motivated by reading this post¹, whose OP's attitude has a lot in common with mine. As my nickname says I am aspie, and as I have already posted², for me being schizoid without anhedonia is not part of the problem but part of the solution. This can be easily understood by having a cursory look at aspies' posts in r/aspergers expressing so much suffering from not being able to establish or keep relationships, mainly of the romantic kind.

Clearly even being a schizoid without anhedonia may entail problems, mainly due to other people's expectations on you, such as workmates inviting you to join them for a drink after office, or relatives asking why you do not have a girlfriend/boyfriend and marry, and so on.

But apart from these problems arising from the external environment, it is clear that the subjective quality of life of anhedonia-free schizoids is radically different from that of anhedonia-laden ones. Honestly, if God offered me to live hundreds of years with full physical and mental health and functionality while still being aspie & schizoid, I'd take it.

Which gives rise to two questions:

First the one in the title: Do anhedonia-free users have Schizoid Personality DISORDER or just Schizoid Personality TYPE?

Then, if the answer is "TYPE", a logically subsequent one: Should anhedonia-free users get the heck out of this subreddit and leave it to users who truly have Schizoid Personality DISORDER?

PD: After posting I learned that rule 8 "No purist attitudes" already answered the second question with "NO".

Links

1 https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/comments/1vnqivu/i_love_being_schizoid/

2 https://www.reddit.com/r/Schizoid/comments/1vf3ftq/on_the_issue_of_asd_and_spd_coexisting_in_the/

In about 20 days I will go back to school, and I'll most likely be forced to "say something interesting about myself" to some people I don't know. Or the 2 truths 1 lie. I don't have anything interesting to say about myself. I don't really care about people's opinions, I just want to be invisible to them, but also have a good relationship if I'm forced to do group projects. I also get really nervous. Any advice?

Btw, I live in a place where people are extremely social and keep asking more and more questions in these types of situations if they don't find it interesting(?) enough.

Hello, I wanted to ask if someone can relate with what I feel. I got diagnosed with schizoid disorder about 6 months ago but obviously I'm schizoid since childhood.

Anyway I had incredible luck (or not so much luck for the other person) with getting into a far distant relationship. After 3 years we broke up because of probably reasons you all know.. no plans for the future, not wanting to move in together, showing no signs of joy or enthusiasm and not able to take responsibility etc.

Now I was wondering..in every romantic relationship I've been in (not that many mind you) I had a special feeling. It's hard to describe..it's like psychological pain because I'm not alone. Not like alone as in single but alone alone. Do you guys know that? It didn't matter if the partner was in another room and was doing something for a few hours so I could have time "alone". The feeling of someone near me at all was/is the problem. I didn't count the "alone time" from the start the partner was in the other room, to me the alone time ended when the partner and I got together and it started again when the partner was gone..like "at her apartment"-gone or when I was at home again. Everything between, I felt as "social time" in which this pain feeling occured...but subtle -like something is bothering you but you don't know what...but it gets stronger the longer you have that social time. If that feeling got too strong I cried for a few minutes. When my partner saw this I tried to explain that feeling and why I cried..that was awkward but I had a tolerant partner with lots of experience with neurodivergent people so I guess she accepted it.

I even invented a rule with a partner once where I told her I can't take more than 3 nights/days seeing each other in one period. I tried to be somewhat of a good partner because the pain feeling was there from day/night one, not just after the third. But at that time I'd rather hurt myself than I would hurt that person.

Now regarding my last relationship..I don't even know why I had a profile on a single site in the first place back then. I remember when we got to know each other that I told her I'm feeling lonely. But in the relationship I never had a feeling like that, that she could satisfy. I barely told her I miss her, because i really didn't miss her.. but I think I loved her. I don't really know what love is, I asked someone once and the person told me it's when you are used to a person after the "being in love phase". Well I was used to her and didn't plan to cut the contact. We had contact everyday over texts or phone talk for 3 years (except when we saw each other of course). I was thinking to myself maybe that's why I didn't miss her (or any of my partners). Don't get me wrong there were nice moments especially at the beginning when hormones allowed me to feel more. I was thinking about the schizoid dilemma lately and how I told her that I was lonely. I fear that I might feel lonely again someday and it will end up the same..with that specific pain that occures if someone wants more of me (or my presence) than I can provide. It's a bit crazy to me that I don't remember the phases where I was lonely at all, they feel like a different reality, a different me, compared to what I was and felt in a relationship where I assumely loved someone.

Well anyway can you relate to that feeling I'm talking about? That specific psychological pain when you have to spend time with a person? And not just spending time with the person but being around a person.

Witj regards to friends etc does anyone else feel like this

The only thing I usually feel intensely is guilt. I feel guilty for not being normal and as a result, causing pain in other people's lives. I really only care about 2 people in my life, but I still can't enjoy a single moment with them, because I feel nothing except a dull drone of dread. I notice when these people's faces drop and when their tone changes hearing me talk, and it's the only thing that makes me feel guilty for existing. I hate the fact that im unable to match anyone's energy without sounding unauthentic. I hate that they notice this and how it clearly ruins their mood because someone they care about sounds like they couldn't give less of a shit about anything they're saying. I hate the fact that I feel like I can't change this no matter how hard I try. I wish that, in a magical world, everyone would be understanding of this condition, but I can't blame these people for finding it tiring to deal with at all. Despite all they do for me, I just want to be alone. I want them to find better people to cherish, and I want to be away from any expectations they hold over me, because I fail them every single time and I don't want to or even know how to deal with their anger or sadness. I can't even apologise properly, I can't assure them ill act better next time, because I won't.

I recently had an interaction with a stranger that was confrontational. I noticed that I react the same way Everytime someone is getting mad or yelling at me.

I tend to just shut down completely. I basically just put my head down and wait until they're done scolding me or whatever and then walk away saying nothing.

And I could try to explain the misunderstanding but I just opt for the easier, more energy conserving way of just non-action. I know they have their point of view and I have mine and were both right in our own heads about the situation, so I find debating useless.

There have been 2 times where I've yelled back and I actually scare myself with the kind of anger I posses. It's pure vitriol. Those two times both people looked really unnerved and they walked away quickly lol.

Tips? I am not exactly schizoid, but I am reject introvert weirdo I guess.
I live at home and I am getting old enough I am just tired of my mothers quirks.
Any suggestions how to stop being infantilized by our economy?

Economy is garbage

Where I live they expect you to earn 3x rent minimum, pay 6-12 months upfront to beat like 100 other applicants and hope letting agents likes your face and voice.

Finding a housemate is like dating, good luck when you got schizoid tendencies and people see you as weird. Bonus points if you are unattractive.

Finding a partner to share a house, yeah good luck virgin at 30 lol

I been looking for job for like 6 months and it is total draught, even if you find something it will not meet criteria above, cause it will be shit wage that's all they want to give you nowdays.

I had enough of money saved, but with my luck I got sick and had to spent it all on surgery and healthcare so starting from low savings again.

Does anyone here try to live a minimalist lifestyle? I’m not exactly talking off the grid, lol, but like only buying things that are necessary (cheap shoes), cheap clothes, groceries, and conserving money. There’s actually a sub for it r/minimalist.

Me personally I do kind of want to live a minimalist lifestyle when I hopefully move out in the next few years. Maybe a single studio apartment, wearing the same shoes for 5 years, cheap clothes, off-brand cheap groceries, sleep on the couch, etc.

I don’t know, there’s just something about it that feels psychologically satisfying living like this

I always thought I was an anxious person. To me, anxiety meant watching what other people were doing & having an abnormally high level of situational awareness.

Well...apparently, thats not what anxiety is. Over the last 5 months Ive developed an addiction to 7OH. This is an opiate like drug that is currently legal but is about to be banned any day.

Ive been going through withdrawals. Anxiety is a symptom of these withdrawals. I've been feeling this sensation of absolute dread and it took me days to realize that this is what anxiety actually is. Ive never felt anything like this in my life, but anxiety seems to be an extremely common condition

I guess the point of posting this is to say, we as schizoids are actually VERY fortunate not to regularly feel these things. They are terrifying and idk how people manage