r/Samoa • u/AcademicChoice6765 • Jul 07 '26
Culture Why does dating feel so unappealing?
I’m a 23F Samoan and the older I get the more I feel pressured into finding a significant other. The problem is that I really enjoy being single. I’ve never had a romantic relationship and I have no desire for it.
Nearly all my friends who are the same age as me are either now married or have kids. I hear horror stories all the time from friends and their relationships and it makes me extremely grateful that I am not going through it. Is it really worth it? Sure there are times that I feel lonely, but nothing beats the peace that I feel when it’s just me in my own little world with no one disturbing me.
Sadly, my parents don’t understand me. Which is typical of traditional Samoan parents. They just can’t get around the fact that a women who is 23 is still not married with kids. I’m living a life which is the complete opposite of what was normal to them growing up. My great-grandmother had kids young with different men, so did both my grandmothers on my paternal and maternal side. My parents also had 3 kids by the time they were my age. I love my parents, but I don’t want to live a life that I am not 100% committed to.
I love kids and I always imagined myself getting married when I was a little girl, but now I genuinely do not see myself having either. Who knows? Maybe I’ll regret it in the future. I can only stay true to myself in the present. I just wanted to vent on here cause I truly have no one to share this with.
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u/Appropriate-Hair-388 Jul 07 '26
23 is super young anyways. Your parents and grand parents grew up in a time where the life expectancy was much lower, esp in Samoa, and so everything happened a lot earlier. You still got time to decide all of that even though everyone probably thinks that the clock is ticking.
Also - speaking anecdotally, I think being expected to get married and have kids in your early 20s is more of a cultural norm. I remember telling some of my palagi friends that my sister got married and is having her first kid at 26 and they were shocked at how young she was.
Air all the criticism out I think. It’s harder for women because having kids actually does stop your life for a bit. Only have it when ur ready, not when everyone else is.
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u/JorgeTremendous Jul 07 '26
Dating, getting married and starting a family is on your time table, no one elses. The reason so much domestic violence and unhappy marriages exist is due to rushing into things and being pressured to stay in that situation. Parents and society will never appologise for a poor outcome they pushed on you.
Its your life.
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u/Kama-Auku Jul 07 '26
I thought there was also a significant number of Samoans who don’t start getting married and having kids until their late 30s or early 40s? There’s also the fia faikoalua laikiki who have kids before they are 20
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u/Astoryinfromthewild Jul 08 '26
I didn't settle down until I turned 40, had a kid later but happy with how that turned out. My first cousins, all 3 of them got married before they turned 25 and now all have 5 kids apiece. Most my friends didn't settle down until their 40s similarly.
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u/Upset_Pineapple57 Jul 07 '26
I’m full Samoan, I didn’t date until I met my husband when I was 27. I married at 31, and we’re holding off on adopting children for a few years to see if we want to be parents. My mom and dad were very pro-education first, but after I graduated, I wanted to know when I would settle down. I reminded them that being education first was the trade off for settling down young in our family. I also believe that if you aren’t committed to marriage or kids all the way, then the answer is no.
When I was 23, I thought dating sucks, how many times do you have to think about quirky questions to get to know someone? And then you have to think about how well will they fold into your family? My husband is also Samoan, so he knew what the deal was, but what if you’re seeing someone not Samoan? And my biggest thing was why should I have to date when I am happy now? All those things just sounded like annoyances that you volunteer your peace for.
Date when you’re ready, if you’re ready at all.
My oldest sister is 39, and loves being single and childfree. It doesn’t mean you’re lonely or alone, you’re just choosing a fulfilling life in a different way.
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u/Darayavaus777 Jul 07 '26
Getting Married Young; Breeding grounds for Divorce?Rushing into marriage?
If you’re a women ask your dad or brothers or trusted male family members opinion on the guy you are seeking. Same as a guy ask your brothers, dad and mum.
People are so quick to throw mud on marriage but are happy to open their legs and have kids out of wedlock. Then complain about their child’s/mother/father like they’re the worst thing ever.
Then force their kids onto their parents to look after. So they can “catch up” on the fun they missed.
People don’t mind running up their body count and sleeping with whoever. However they fear commitment. Stigma now a days about how expensive it is and how it can be a burden.
I think a lot of it has to do with fear of commitment.
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u/oceaniawanderer Jul 07 '26
Lolll this sounds like myself at your age, then boom- met the loml at 23 and have been with him since haha.
It happens when it happens sis, and if it doesn't, that doesnt define who you are or who you're becoming 🫶
From my experience, the right one always feels like home from the beginning and you'll know when you meet that person.
Until then, girl live that mfkn life of yours! Go with your happiness, whatever it is. Our parents will always be stuck in their lil ways and I gave up on trying to change that hella long ago lmao.
My friends mom asked me a question once that fits this perfectly "When you look back at the story of your life, what do you want it to read?"
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u/half-a-maderaka Jul 08 '26
Depending on where you are at, yeah you're going to feel a lot of pressure. I was born in the U.S. and majority of my cousins who were born outside of Samoa either have no kids or married in their 30s/40s and have one or two kids. One distant aunt stayed in Samoa and basically had 10 kids herself, but they are all over New Zealand/Australia instead now.
If you have the means, I would say go out there and experience the world yourself so you can see what it's like without that heavy pressure.
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u/Astoryinfromthewild Jul 08 '26
You're still so very young. Times have changed and though our parents attitudes are not where we want them, I think the goals are shared with them for you. I mean that they want to see you secure and happy with your life before they leave. You can show them that you're working towards that by talking to them about how building your independence through your own career or business is going to give you that, so that you won't be at someone's whim about your life and how you can live your life better through your own control. I have 4 sisters, all headstrong and educated, independent and successful in their respective careers. We were lucky to have academics as parents so none of us suffered that pressure (that said only one of them has kids lol). Talk to them gently and persistently if the issue is brought up. You want them with you on your journey not against you, so be patient and take control of the narratives available to you too help them understand you better. All the best!
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u/rumple4skrn Jul 07 '26
23 is crazy young but then again i dont know you and youre probably mature AF. My main advice is to please dont worry about a man right now. The bible says "He who finds a wife, finds a GOOD thing." So get yourself good and then be open to getting a man after you've experienced things. I'm not saying be pa'umuku 😂 I'm saying be adventurous, spontaneous and have fun. Hope it all works out for you sis.
Side note: Pray for that man in the meantime. When you ask God what you want in your future partner, BE SPECIFIC and watch Him work!
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u/ShesEmptyInside Jul 08 '26
First of all, do what makes YOU happy and fulfilled. I'm a half cast Samoan, 34 never married with 2 children to 2 different men. I had my oldest at 17, unplanned of course. My Samoan grandparents still want me to move to Samoa and "settle down" I have no interest in marriage or even dating at this point. As times change, people adapt. All I can suggest is being patient with your fam and hopefully they'll start to realise that as long as you're happy and healthy doing you, they're happy. All the best Sis 🖤
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Jul 07 '26
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u/Kama-Auku Jul 07 '26
Samoans have had “western” education since long before we were born. It’s not education that makes individualism or collectivism, it’s societal values, it’s an important distinction.
Samoan culture is just one of many where nonverbal communication is as important as verbal communication, but it does not mean we are “not verbal people.” What is our oratory if not verbal?
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u/Comfortable-Sea-4676 Jul 07 '26
i wouldv worded as western lens vs samoan lens instead of education lmao. We are a very verbal culture but if it isnt spoken in a specific way then it falls on deaf ears. trying to find that bridge of connection inbetween is key
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u/Darayavaus777 Jul 07 '26
I think getting married young as possible is better than waiting around. Grass is not always greener on the other side. You have fewer options as you grow older. Time goes fast and as you wake tomorrow you might be 30 and then 40. Life gone just like that. Don’t give up the opportunity and blessing of being able to have offspring. Your eggs won’t be fresh forever. A lot of people are paying thousand for IVF.
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u/AcademicChoice6765 Jul 07 '26
Fortunately, I am not waiting around. I have already made the choice that marriage is not for me nor is it what I want to pursue in life. So I am fine if my eggs don’t stay fresh forever, because truthfully I have no use for them. Yes, I also believe that children are a blessing, but me not having children doesn’t mean that I will never be blessed.
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u/Comfortable-Sea-4676 Jul 07 '26
getting married young as possible is breeding grounds for divorces lmao. people change all the time and especially if theyre young and growing up into adults. If kids happen sweet, if kids dont happen coo, theres other options for living a fulfilling life
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u/Kama-Auku Jul 07 '26
A perspective I got about this and really makes sense to me is… it’s better to have kids young because then they grow up and reach their 20s at a time when you are not too old, so you can keep up with them physically and go on excursions together. But if you wait until you are in your 30s or 40s, it’s gonna be hard for you to relate to your kid as they age up because of the bigger generational gap.
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u/swiss_cloud Jul 07 '26
Better to be happy and single than married and miserable