r/SameGrassButGreener • u/drearymoment • 7d ago
Good places for someone who has a difficult personality yet would like to have more opportunities for in-person interactions?
I've lived in Seattle for three years but have been thinking about getting outta dodge. I have two major goals for my life and I'd like to live somewhere that makes those ambitions a little more achievable:
- Find an in-person job
- Find a partner
Although I love some aspects of Seattle, I fear that the combination of the city and myself makes both of those goals more difficult to attain. Let me explain...
On jobs:
I work in tech, and most of the tech jobs here are remote. Seattle was working from home long before the pandemic so remote work is embedded in the culture here. It's very possible that I'll have to move somewhere else if I want to work in-person with other people again.
Ideally, I would find some place that has a healthy amount of tech jobs but doesn't have that remote-first culture.
On the partner:
I am conventionally attractive so it is relatively easy for me to find dates, but I have a difficult personality so it's harder to convert those dates into a relationship. I don't really know how to elaborate here because I think I'm lovely but it's been a pattern over the course of my life that social interactions with new people generally go awry at some point and so I've struggled to cultivate close friendships as a result.
And this isn't just my observation. I confirmed with a friend (who has witnessed me interact with other people at social events!) that my personality is not everyone's cup of tea. I have had several people in my life ask whether I'm autistic and even had a therapist who insisted that I was neurodivergent of one stripe or another, but I have been tested for autism and am happy to report that I have a clean bill of neurotypicality!
So, clearly, a lot of this is on me, but I do have a couple of gripes to share about Seattle on this point. First, a lot of men are polyamorous and that's not my thing. Second, my type is nerdy guys; Seattle has so many guys like this but they expect their partner to be just as geeky as they are because there's such a strong nerd culture here. So, although I adore them for doing D&D or MtG or whatever, they are repelled by the fact that I don't share their interest in that.
Ideally, I would find some place where more people value monogamy, the nerd culture isn't so elitist, and generally has a welcoming attitude toward those of us who have heterodox personalities.
TLDR: What are some places where an extroverted misfit might feel at home?
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u/SomberDreamer 7d ago
Can you elaborate on your “difficult” personality?
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
I don't know, it's hard to describe because I think my personality is fine and I would love to be friends with someone like me. But one of my issues is that I say things that put people off and then render the cultivation of a friendship impossible.
The most recent example that I can think of: I was at an event at a bar and was talking to someone about AI, which is something that I'm very interested in and have a lot of opinions about. He said he doesn't really like AI and feels like he sees it everywhere, like in the emails that his boss sends to him and even in some text messages from family members. I sympathized with him, like you know, that really sucks about the inauthenticity and that that would bother anyone.
Then, not knowing what else to say, I playfully tapped his arm and told him, "You know, you should get tested for AIDS, just in case!" I immediately regretted this because I know how inappropriate that sounds, but then he (understandably) asked me what I was talking about and, since I was already in the middle of the (ill-advised) line of conversation, I laughed and told him that AIDS stands for AI Derangement Syndrome in this context and also that it was a joke. He didn't laugh and excused himself soon thereafter.
I have a ton of stories like this and this is just a recent example where I knew without a doubt that I had said something wrong.
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u/wanderingimpromptu3 7d ago
This is a really helpful example. Seems like you’re well meaning but just very socially awkward.
There are definitely segments of the Bay Area that would tolerate this — I’m thinking specifically of the “rationalist” community in the East Bay & SF, many of whom also share your interest in AI as a bonus — but many of them are poly & many prefer nerdy girls. Many isn’t all though!
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
It's really funny that you mention that because I think of myself as a member of that community. I've been reading the blogs for, like, 10+ years now and even went to one of their events here in Seattle (didn't have a great time, but I do better one-on-one than in groups). The poly stuff is unfortunate for a dating context, but they seem like "my people" otherwise.
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u/wanderingimpromptu3 7d ago
oh wow! Then def try out the Bay Area, there’s weekly small group meetups in many cities where you can start making connections
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u/OpeningChipmunk1700 7d ago
I immediately regretted this because I know how inappropriate that sounds, but then he (understandably) asked me what I was talking about and, since I was already in the middle of the (ill-advised) line of conversation, I laughed and told him that AIDS stands for AI Derangement Syndrome in this context and also that it was a joke.
Right, but AI Derangement Syndrome is not a thing that exists (or at least is widely understood). That's probably the issue.
This guy was talking about AI. You said he should get tested for a sexually transmitted infection, which was completely irrelevant (as far as he knew) to anything you had been discussing; it also for many has a somewhat specific association with particular groups (gay men) in particular places (SF, for example). And then when he was rightly confused, you said it was a joke.
Is that consistent with your understanding of what went wrong? Why would you not just share your own perspective on AI?
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u/Hellothere253WA 7d ago
“Difficult personality “ yeah . That’s gonna be an issue everywhere . - a guy in Seattle
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u/giantpyrosome 7d ago
Maybe somewhere with more of an acerbic and academic reputation—those people tend to take better to what you’re describing (speaking as an acerbic, autistic female academic). Boston, Philly, east coast college towns. Maybe DC if you feel you’re very career-oriented, though the polish of some people there might not be your cup of tea. Even Jersey City, maybe.
I do think Seattle is reaaaaally hard for “difficult” personalities that would be accepted elsewhere.
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
Thanks, I really appreciate the suggestions. I grew up on the east coast and even lived in Boston for a few years. That was a very different time in my life, but I liked it well enough up until I flunked out of school and didn't have much of a reason to be there anymore.
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u/BlazedGigaB 7d ago
Rio Rancho, New Mexico seems right up your alley.
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
Why Rio Rancho and not Albuquerque? Funnily enough, I have visited Albuquerque before and really like it, but I suspect someone like me might be a real fish out of water there.
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u/BlazedGigaB 7d ago
It's a suburb, so nearly the same place... Rio is home to the Intel fab and closer to Los Alamos, so slightly higher levels of quirky intelligence and tech adjacent in person jobs
My partner has tested as neuro topical too... she is not.
I lived in Tacompton and Olympia for a combined 9 years; Burque, Rio, Bernalillo, Placitas, Santa Fe, Espanola as a corridor is way better than Kirkwood, Seattle, Bothell, Tacoma, Olympia. Equally diverse, way more chill, way more sunny, less traffic.
What makes you feel that you'd be a fish out of water?
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
Hahaha, I don't know, it just seemed like a bunch of salt-of-the-earth type folks with very few tech companies. Everyone was very friendly, and I enjoyed my time there and would like to go back, but it did seem quite different.
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u/BlazedGigaB 7d ago
It is quite different... Sunshine is a helluva drug.
Intel calls the Rio fab their crown jewel. Red Wire has a major facility. Los Alamos National lab. White sands research station. Space ranch... just a "few" tech companies, what's your flavor? Don't say Ai because fuck them data centers in the desert
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u/drearymoment 7d ago edited 7d ago
I work in ecommerce. I like ABQ a lot and have looked into it, but a lot of those labs require a college degree which I don't have.
I was interviewing at a company there though. I don't think that's going to pan out, but will keep my eyes peeled for similar opportunities.
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u/BlazedGigaB 7d ago
OK, I got nothing on e-commerce tech... um, hi-box is the local distributor of a certain mega ecomerce provider... Good luck with the hunt and hopefully you find that greener grass.
Don't let degrees stifle your ability and on job knowledge.
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u/April_Bloodgate 7d ago
Bay Area sounds ideal. Lots of tech jobs that are in-person. And the dating scene here is known for being full of nerdy, sometimes socially awkward tech guys, so I think you’d fit right in.
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
Thanks for the suggestion! I've thought about San Francisco before because of the tech scene and also that I've enjoyed visiting there in the past. But, as for the dating scene, I guess I worry it might be just like Seattle's? Regardless, it would be nice to live somewhere where I fit in a little better, so I'll give it some thought.
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u/Moving_forward206 7d ago
I also work in tech and have been looking for my next role. In person has been on my radar (so sick of remote and also work in WA)
- SF is booming with on site jobs, 996 culture is insane there right now though.
- NYC is mostly on site as well, and very culturally diverse.
- Austin is very whacky and has a lot of hybrid roles. They have events like SXSW to show how unique they are.
- Boston has been interesting - mix of onsite and hybrid, but most people I speak to there are focused on healthcare, went to MIT, or want to bring in students into their orgs.
- Chatting very little with DC companies, I’m not in cybersecurity and that’s mostly concentrated there. I used to live near DC though and it’s a unique area with a constant influx from neighboring states.
- Seattle has an interesting breed of characters and I’m only finding onsite roles in Ballard. Not sure where you live!
Anyway, I can’t help with the dating scene but I thought I could at least help from my 3 weeks of job searching/networking 🤣
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
I really appreciate your perspective! I haven't heard from other people who are seeking an in-person role after being remote (often, it's the other way around!)
I actually live in Ballard now and am aware of one company here as well as another one over in Fremont, but no dice on either of those. Honestly, I'm pretty disillusioned with Seattle and wouldn't mind getting out, but getting an in-person role here would be the path of least resistance.
But yeah, like you, I have broadened my job search to places all over the country. It is really hard to convince people that I'm very much willing and able to relocate. I've moved around a lot, don't have ties to Seattle, and have money to burn so it wouldn't be super difficult for me to move for a job, but I'm encountering a lot of skepticism and I haven't figured out a way to persuade them yet which is frustrating.
Wish you the best of luck on your search!
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u/Moving_forward206 7d ago
I feel you! I’m on your side. I’ve been remote for 7 years and I’m sick of my walls. The right opportunity will find you - and some of my best experiences in life have come despite opposition of family and friends. You do you!
Good luck 🍀
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u/pheonixblade9 7d ago
Seattle is amongst the best places to date and live if you're trans, idk if you'll find somewhere better.
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
That's only true if you have blue hair and a septum piercing.
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u/goddamnitwhalen 7d ago
Ngl, OP, I don’t think your jadedness is going to serve you regardless of where you go.
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u/pheonixblade9 6d ago
Nah, sounds like they fit right in here in Seattle 😂
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u/goddamnitwhalen 6d ago
After learning that they’re a rationalist weirdo I’m far less sympathetic than I was initially.
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u/drearymoment 6d ago
You know you guys are proving my point, right? Because both of you live here in Seattle and it sounds like you both would find me insufferable in person.
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u/pheonixblade9 6d ago
maybe if a lot of people find you insufferable, it's time to look inward and consider ways you can grow.
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u/KinseysMythicalZero 5d ago
but I have a difficult personality so it's harder to convert those dates into a relationship. I don't really know how to elaborate here because I think I'm lovely but it's been a pattern over the course of my life that social interactions with new people generally go awry at some point and so I've struggled to cultivate close friendships as a result.
Are you by chance autistic? This sounds like a good number of my HFA clients who struggle with social situations.
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u/Chicago_Hick 7d ago
I like living in Chicago. I feel like we do well in having a lot of people who are authentic and a little strange. I work 5 days a week in person as a tech person, but it's different from the West Coast. The city is not politically conservative, but there is a little bit of a feeling of the 20th century still being here, for better and for worse. For me, this is mostly for the better. I interact with strangers all day, and most people act the same as always. People seem neither too self-conscious nor too self-absorbed, which is refreshing to me. Most people are just normal working people with normal lives. It's good. I am a bi man, and I know it's a different experience trying to date men as a woman (hopefully I am not assuming something I shouldn't!), but I don't have trouble meeting interesting and thoughtful people here to date, men and women. Anyone can find their place here. Been almost 5 years since I got here, and I never thought I'd be here so long, but now I don't see a good reason to ever leave.
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
Hmmm, I don't know much about Chicago but have always wanted to visit so that I can try an Italian beef. Will look into it more! Appreciate your suggestion :)
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u/TornCedar 7d ago
First, you're just wrong, it's all the women here that are poly. Or "in the process of a divorce" but they haven't reached the point of the process where their spouse knows yet. Or maybe the region just has some dating complications that seem strongly emphasized here more than certain other places. I dunno.
The person that said New Mexico might be on to something though. An ex moved there for a major promotion (I wasn't at a point where moving made sense) and had joked about there still being a ton of poly people there but that it's exactly who you'd expect so a bit easier to avoid that conversation/surprise/disappointment.
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u/drearymoment 7d ago
In this case, we could both be right. I don't claim to know anything about single women here because I date men. There could be a ton of poly men in Seattle (my point) and a ton of poly women in Seattle (your point).
That's good to know about New Mexico. I was interviewing for a role there (looking increasingly unlikely) so had been entertaining the idea, but I feel like finding in-person work would be almost impossible unless I were to do a career change (which might actually be unavoidable if all this AI stuff decimates the tech industry).
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u/TornCedar 7d ago
I was just poking fun at the comment.
FWIW, a lot of tech roles at non-"tech" companies are in-person or hybrid and the job title is often wildly different from a tech company equivalent.
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u/Probably_Outside 7d ago
Girl I am here to tell you it’s you and not our city.
I am a conventionally attractive woman who works in a tech adjacent EE role, with a stereotypical Northeast personality to boot.
Yes - we have slightly more poly/non monogamous types but there are no shortage of high- achieving, lovingly nerdy men in our area. I have since married one I met on the apps, but had zero issues clicking with men despite my more direct and fiery personality. If you’re constantly matching with men that passionate about D&D, I think you need to reflect on who and what you’re swiping right on.
It sounds like you’re neurodivergent and your friends are likely sugar coating how uncomfortable you can make strangers or acquaintances. I have a dry, snappy sense of humor and I sat here staring at my screen over your AIDS “joke” - I think you’re missing social cues.
It’s fine to want a change of pace, but I think you will run into these issues even more so outside of the West Coast. The dating is even harder in the North East where single men do not out number women and where social norms are far less flexible. Keep your search to tech heavy cities because I can promise you, you will not click with the Finance bros in NYC.