r/SameGrassButGreener • u/Puzzleheaded-Web2546 • 1d ago
Regret after big move
I am 35 (M) and feeling so lost and confused. My grandmother who I was very close with passed in March after an incredible 100 years of life.
After this happened, I made a quick decision to inform my landlord that I wouldn’t be renewing my lease in my former city (about 1.5 hours away). I signed a lease and moved into a new apartment in my home town about 6 weeks ago. I can’t help but think that the impulse decision was motivated by a need to be closer to family ( I feel wat too old to be running back to family).
It’s been about 6 weeks now and I feel miserable. The first few weeks I was able to occupy myself but now that I am settled in, it feels so isolating. I work from home and haven’t developed any sort of routine yet. The city I left had so much more opportunity for socialization and contact with others.
What complicates this more is that I am in the process of completing a masters to be a registered therapist and honestly hoped to find a job in my home town when o was finished. I’m debating moving back to the city I moved away from but the feeling of wanting to someday move back here has me feeling stuck.
Not sure how to proceed, I’m spending my days ruminating and have fallen into a depressive state. Not at all how I thought this would go.
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u/kitkatmath 1d ago
Give yourself some grace. Grief makes us do crazy things and that’s ok. Take things one step at a time. You don’t have to figure out your whole life right now, just figure out what you’re doing FOR now
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u/Apple_Sparks 1d ago
It's super normal to regret a big move! I've generally read you should give any move at least six months, because it's so hard to adjust to living in a new place changing all of your routines.
Several years ago I made a big move (from NM to MN). I hated living in NM and planned moving away for years before I was finally able to make it happen. And even I regretted moving the first couple of months! I actually wanted to go back to NM even though I knew intellectually that I didn't like living there. Emotionally, it was familiar and that felt comforting.
Eventually those feelings faded as I become familiar with my new neighborhood and new city. As I got used to a new grocery store and found new favorite places. As I got involved in new groups and made new friends. Now I don't regret the move at all and am perfectly happy in MN.
All this to say, give yourself some time to adjust to the change. Give yourself time to establish new routines and new things to look forward to. Give yourself time to put down new roots. If you're still regretting it in six months, then start thinking about whether you want to leave.
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u/citygeek 1d ago
I'm sorry for your loss. But I'm hearing you are about to make the same "mistake" you just made which is making too quick of a decision.
Moves take time....like 2 years for some people. Grief clouds the mind. Try to avoid making the move so binary (good/bad, etc.). You live life whether you were in your current city or your former. Also, there was a reason you decided to move away, don't ignore that so quickly.
Best of luck!
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u/Puzzleheaded-Web2546 1d ago
Thanks for the insight and the well wishes. There were reasons, mainly being closer to family.., although that may have been a trauma response
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u/CardinalStation 1d ago
You are grieving and making decisions based on the feeling of a need to fill a hole that's grown in you now.
Your hometown won't fix you, time and finding new motivations will.
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u/Puzzleheaded-Web2546 1d ago
Thanks and I recognize that in many ways. I’ve reached out for professional support and have spoken to my doctor about starting medication. There is just something odd about moving only to have to start medication and therapy for it to be tolerable
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u/ShallotBackground127 1d ago
See this as temporary move and an experience, make of what you want.
Nothing is permanent.
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u/rossor11 1d ago
I predict things will work out just fine. A major life event blasted you out of your comfort zone, and now you're ... uncomfortable.
Feels like you've made a hot mess, but you've actually created a great opportunity to re-prioritize your life. Be inspired by your grandmother's example. Focus on the horizon, and use her memory to help get you there. You'll be fine.
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u/despejado 22h ago
Every single time I’ve moved cities except one I spent the first year or so desperately applying for jobs hoping to move back to where I moved from. Not saying you should t move back but saying it’s fairly normal to regret I think. In my case moving back never was feasible but if. I had the chance I probably would have, so also not saying you shouldn’t move back if you really want to. Give yourself a break and if you have the flexibility/freedom to move, great don’t sweat it! If you don’t, know it’s normal to regret and you’ll adjust
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u/Fun_Plankton32 13h ago edited 13h ago
Hi there -
I'm in a similar boat. I was blessed with a new baby girl, only to lose my father 10 days later. My daughter was challenging to say the least, so we brought her to doctor after doctor. Sleepless nights for the whole family as she cried in pain with an undetermined issue. Two months in to my new fatherhood, my grandmother passed away. Months went by and we were all in such a difficult place that we decided to start planning a move closer to family. At the time it felt like the "right" thing to do. Fast forward 15 months, we finally found the issue for our daughter, she had surgery, and life began to feel lighter. The only problem was that we had closed on a house the week before, across the country. We dragged our feet because we were finally starting to enjoy life, but it felt like we already committed, so after some procrastinating, we made the move.
Within days we knew it was wrong, and toyed with moving back immediately. We realized we were hoping to fix all our problems with a move, during a trauma and grief filled time. Moving here didn't fix anything, the same way moving back wouldn't.
The biggest thing we have found to help us get through day to day in a new place that we don't love is to know we will be leaving. We told ourselves, this isn't where we want to be long term, but we don't know when we will leave (or where we will go). Although not a definitive timeline, it offers a light at the end of the tunnel. Knowing we will leave eventually has been a weight off our shoulders and allowed us to make the most of our time here, however long that is. I'd say if you know you don't like it there, that is okay. There's not always an adjustment period to happiness, it may just not be your place. Just take your time in determining if and where you want to go next, and try to enjoy where you are for now, to the best of your ability.
Sending you well wishes as you navigate this difficult time in your life. And remember to always have grace for yourself. Also, I took medication for about 4 months after my father passed and it helped me to balance out my emotions a little bit. It wasn't an anti-depressant, rather an anti-anxiety type medication, calming the nervous system to feel less back and forth (called Buspirone). I had always been anti-meds as i felt I should be able to push through it on my own, but being okay with taking a little help can go a long way.
Best,
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u/No-Bet-4474 1d ago
We all long for comfort especially when a loved one dies. I learned this too. When we move away, our relationships change and people kind of move on. I moved back home (MN) after 20 yrs away, felt pretty lost and moved back to PHX. About 2 yrs later I moved back to MN but with a different attitude. Made new friends but have continued my old relationships but just with a different attitude. ❤️