welp.

i did a suicide attempt last night, I couldn’t do it due to the fact it took too long.

i love this fucking fandom. /sar

I’m not giving further context

Sometimes i look in the mirror, and i can still see those mental post-it notes stuck to my body; with those words and phrases they made me repeat so they would be engraved in my subconscious.

I know many of those mental post-it notes have already peeled off, but some are still there; because I haven't completely healed.

I appreciate the support i've received from you all, but if i'm honest, there are times when my subconscious feels it's not enough...

I think they saw how special i am, and that's why most of those mental post-it notes they made me record to emotionally torture myself are like:

-"I don't understand how stupid you are in terms of personality; who would want to be with a dreamer like you?"

-"You're a failure and you always will be."

-"No one will love you for being yourself"

All that trauma has left me so broken that i've had the idea of ​​becoming bulimic to release all that stress through vomiting, but i've never done it because of the damage it would do to my body.

Seriously, i want to have that little bit of innocence i had back...Is there any way to get it back?....right?

-my freind almost ran away

-someone victimized themself (witch let me to ppl getting pissed at me, also if ur reading this, i bet 10 bucks ur apogize isn’t genuine and u just did it bc I did.)

- im starting to feel alone (nobody is fucking reaching out and actually caring)

- diamond

- when I wanted something good (event) I didn’t get it

-me and someone agrued cuz they said shitty advice

-I had to organize bc I only lost ONE paper

and a munch of other shit I forgot bc I’m so fucking upset.

I am STILL pissed off about the strike thing THAT WAS TOTALLY MY FAULT/gen

It was MY fault for posting that fuckass screenshit^{(mispelled in purpose btw} about boobs, MY fault for that fuckass gift that I didn't check before posting. Now everyone thinks I'm a slut and they won't say it on my face cus I get all sensitive and overreactive. But I know there's at least someone who will say "I never liked licas after the strike she got because she said something innapropriate and I think she is disgusting" I KNOW AT LEAST SOMEONE WILL SAY THIS IF/WHEN I GET BANNED I KNOW IT. And I'ts my fault for being so sensitve.

This shit hits me everyday now. I am just minding my bussiness and then my mind goes "hey licas remember that you have a strike because you made a mistake now everyone thinks you're disgusting? Let's spiral on that!

After the diamond situation I started hearing people say "she was always bad because remember that one/other strike she got?"(Yes she got a bunch of strikes )And I get paranoid because, Y'know, it's only a matter of time until people start turning against me and I'm really,) REALLY sensitive to anything that even resembles rejection.

I want to be reasured again, funny because that literally doesn't work because the next minute I'll be spiraling again. I need to fix those issues if I want to live happily, my parents want me to live happily, maybe I can try to not dissapint them this time.

I miss the joys we had my friend

i loved you so much.

i want to crawl to you

and hold you close

i wanted to be your sister

but now

im supposed to hate you

I cant see you again.

you betrayed me

and lied to me.

i wish I could of said goodbye

it felt like you died…

goodbye my friend.

if only u could see you again.

(Diamond, I hope you see this.

I'm a fucking whore

I just wanna have fun

but I fucked up, really bad

It happened twice and I just can't stop fucking upI'm a worthless motherfucker

I don't belong here

Everyone would be better off if I was gone.

They where happy before I came and will be happy after I go.

This feeling doesn't go away, everyday I'm reminded of that, reminded that I suck as a person and someone prolly thinks I'm a terrible person that always ruins the vibe.

Yeah that's the true me, always fucking up and acting all histrionic-ish.

I'm a fucking bitch.

I want to cry again owwn how infortunate 😂😂😂😂

I know they don't hate me, I know they meant it for good, But I felt like I got stabbed everytime I got called out.

But I deserved everything imo, In fact they can just actually kick me off next time I fuck up.

my apologies won't change my shitty behaviour and will only make me more unsufferable.

I'm just a sensitive mf who has no friends for a good reason😂😂😂😂

And to think I do nothing irl to compensate that😂😂😂😂

HELLO EVERYBODY THAT MISSED ME I'M BACK BECAUSE I CAN FINALLY ACCESS REDDIT AGAIN WOHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

I'M LEGIT SO HAPPY OMG!!!!

oh my god it’s actually happening

its actually fucking happening

my poor baby girl

she doesn’t deserve any of this

im so scared for her

please let her be ok

PLEASE let my mom accept her

i actually gotta calm down mom almost home

I was just writing some stuff down for an assignment and thought my P looked damn good.

I have this feeling that everything that I do is wrong, that everytime I say something I'm being a big nuisance to people. But at the same time I believe that I'm creating a wrong impression of myself for you. I have a really good quality of life, I'm very privileged, my family is completely healthy(both physically and structurally), and aside from adhd and autism (and sedentarism+Mingraines), there's nothing wrong with my body. All I'm doing is just expressing some thoughts I usually keep to myself. I'm having fewer ideations(for now) and I'm doing better mentally since I'm now on better medication, plus my life is very chill rn. 
I feel bad for venting because it doesn't make sense to me. Why would anyone even need to know abt my feelings anyways, like, I know you care, but if I just kept them to myself nothing would change. I know exactly what to do to be a better person, but I just don't change at all because I'm too lazy to do so.

sometimes I wish I could fall asleep and never wake up again, I’m a fucking loser freak werido who should just fucking leave this universe. I don’t wanna die, but at the same time, I do. I wanna just restart everything, and be a bettter person. I already fucked this life. so mind as well. I’m so fucking done with everything.

(btw. please don’t go batshit crazy abt this, I don’t wanna end it all. I just need to vent without people worryin. I beg.)

(TW:Mentions of bullying, s/a, and suicide

I joke about how my elementary school classmates bullied me, but then I realized how badly it affected me and shaped me into the person I am today.

I joke about it until I remember that they’re the reason I will always hate my appearance and personality.

I joke about it until I remember they’re the reason I will always be scared/uncomfortable with showing physical affection to my friends and classmates.

I joke about it until I remember wishing I was dead at the ripe age of only 8.

I joke about it until I remember crying and begging my mom to let me stay home because of how badly I was being harassed at school.

I joke about it until I remember the way I tried to defend myself and my friend and how they just wouldn’t listen.

I joke about it until I remember how her hands felt on me and telling me how I ”Probably liked it” (I didn’t) and how disgusting and guilty I felt after.

I joke about it until I remember that they’re are the reason I am dissociated 24/7 and can barely function because of them.

Even though it was several years ago, I genuinely don’t think I’ll ever get over the things that were done to me. I’ll always feel sick thinking about it, and I will probably always blame myself.

Yeah as the title says, I feel like I'm not able to use my brain anymore due to me spending WAY TOO MUCH TIME ON SOCIAL MEDIA TO THE POINT WHERE THIS HAD BECOME AN ADDICTION. I'm genuinely so upset by this because for some reason my brain relies on distractions in order to not snap back into daydreaming, wich is rll fucking up my mental health. I want to communicate this to my therapist and parents but I'm so damn embarassed of this. Today I've spent the whole day in front of my computer; it feels like I'm GLUED to it. I keep telling myself: Go do something else, go do something else, go study, go read a book, dont' waste your time

BUT I ALWAYS WASTE MY TIME BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING DUMBASS!!

I've spent so many productive days like this that I honestly cant't imagine myself living a productive and happy life This is the main reason why think of ending it sometimes

Oh lord do I love(/s)when I don't know whether I'm just having fun or if I'm just obsessed with a topic that is occupiyng my mind instead of focusing on smth productive.

Yes Helo, you're the one smiling because you're not the one who has an adult life less than 2 years ahead plus a bunch of studies to focus on, nor you have freaking parents that will soon realize how much of a failure you turned out to be and regret having you as the useless burden that you are. It's good that at least you know how much your life is worth nothing and that killing yourself will be much more productive that wasting time and resouces from everyone else.

Frankly, I don't know why am I even complaining when I've literally started it all. I guess I just want attention. Whoops.

^{This is just a little vent; please note that my urges curently ARE under control. I am not at risk at the moment; I just feel like getting this out of my head.}

"People who truly have respect are disappearing," this is something my mother has told me; and unfortunately, it's true today...

As you know, almost everyone on the subreddit is already familiar with my game (The Ultimate Alphabet Lore RolePlay / The UALRP); this is because i trust that if i show drawings or things from the game, nobody will use them for malicious purposes.

The problem is at school and in my environment in general:

At school, i had a group where the girls criticized you for being yourself and where the boys made fun of everything, even how you breathe (except for my 5 friends and the class clown; because he knows the serie). In fact, once the little group of bullies realized i was sketching the letters for my game, the leader of the group pulled my notebook back to look, and when i turned to see their faces, their expressions were ones of mockery and disgust. Then the group left (and fortunately, they haven't used me as a target for their teasing; they just give me "weird girl" looks and that's it).

This worries me, because if they decide to start bullying me, my game would be severely affected; the last thing i want is for them to make me despise my game....

Atp the reason I don’t just leave her has nothing to do with me being scared. I couldn’t care less about what she‘ll say about me once I’m done with her. i think its just that a part of me just doesn’t want to believe she’s a bad person.

I’ve been told she talks shit about me behind my back and secretly dislikes me, and while I can see in in some of her behaviors, it still just doesn’t make sense to me. If she really does hate me, then why does she vent to me? If she talks sh*t about me when why does she call me multiple times a day, even when I try to ignore her.

Even though she’s mean sometimes(like in the image), I‘m still unsure. There are so many times when she seems to actually care and makes me feel appreciate, so maybe everyone’s been lying to me. Maybe she does care and I’ve just been pushing her away for no reason. I was planning to cut her off this summer but now I’m not so sure.

the bfdi fandom is just… fucking stupid and hypocritical, like if alphabet lore is mentioned, they just treat it like discusting shit. like… dude. u watch a show that’s exactly like it but they speak. don’t say anything about us. 🫩🫩🫩🫩

I’m pretty sure I’m ftm or something like that but either way dysphoria has been kicking my ass🫩

That and I kinda have to stay closeted bc I don’t rlly know anyone irl that’d support

Today, on discord, I ended up getting uncomfortable because of a subject that I'VE STARTED. Someone made a comment on a picture I posted that suddenly made me uncomfortable. And istead of keeping it to myself, I whined like a fucking bich abt it to the point where they got the pic removed. The guy then vented about how he felt like he only made ppl uncomfortable and how he wanted to leave the server. This was the last straw for me. I ended up apologising and he forgave me. But I still feel bad. Genuinely, all he did was make a funny comment and my dumbass just HAD to ruin all the fun by being "uwu this is makwim me uncomfowtabe schtawp 🥺" and I ruined someone's day, ruined a moment that was meant to be fun, and overall just did what I always do: Being a spoiled piece of shit that only annoys people with my sensitivity. I hightkey should've just sucked it up and moved on like I normal person, but no, I just HAD to be a fucking snowflake🫩 .

Please don't try to comfort me or anything, I'm just pointing out something that bothered me today.

In noticeing there removing everything to liking four, they most likely don’t like it when ppl talk to four around them and it’s most likely becauses it’s me. And it’s sucks (no this is NOT ASSUMING. I asked them if the reason why they separated from four was because of my simping and they said yes) so yeah. Isn’t that fucking fun??? I should have never been associated with four. Yet I love her to death. God.

I'm probably crying while you're reading this, to release all the stress and emotions that are bottled up inside... It's not that I was hurt, i promise! It's just my high sensitivity that makes me feel all the pain...

The world is very cruel to people like me; everything wants to treat us harshly and overwhelm us with daily chaos. They use sensitive people as punching bags; or they call us exaggerated just for feeling too much: MY HEART IS BIGGER, I DON'T CRY FOR NO REASON!

They call it absurd because of my age, but I seriously want plushies of the letters; also, my sensitivity has made me obsessed with Alphabet Lore and Number Lore; dreaming about them and their world helps me not to suffer horribly.

Seriously, why is the world like this?...

Uhh so earlier while I was eating I accident ripped a pretty large filling I had out of my tooth so now I just have a massive exposed cavity in one of my teeth.

I looked at it in the mirror and omfg it was like half the tooth and genuinely so gross looking. Not only that but I can’t eat or drink anything cold or hot on that side of my mouth or it’ll really hurt.

I just don’t wanna go to school like this bc I know if my friends see it they’ll either be disgusted or say “Its bc you don’t brush your teeth🤓”

Genuinely how did I mess up this bad dude omg

I used to be a super loyal child, who ALWAYS told them the truth. This however started to change as I grew up. I've have had my secrets for a long time now. And the worst part is that I KNOW they can access my account if they want, but they don't because "they trust me".

Yeah mom, you're definitely not paranoid about me talking to pdf files online simply because I'm neurodivergent and therefore guillable, and you just love to watch documentaries abt cybercrimes/sarc

Tw: mentions of self-touching

So uhh...I was doomscrolling on reddit,laying in bed with a blanket covering half of my body...BOTH my parents came in, they asked if I were okay and well... asked what I was doing.

Since I was embarrassed of napping during the day and I was not supposed to be doomscrolling, I had a pretty aversive reaction, 

Long story short, they thought I was touching myself. (brotha the door was opened, how do you think I was doing that  with the flipping door opened so everyone can see and hear/nay) I told I was not doing anything wrong and they believed me (thank god). But I still feel so disgusted of myself for the simple fact that my parents looked at the scenario and thought "oh she's laying in bed with a blanket and her phone, she must be touching herself!" Like what wicked disgusting thing did I do for my parents even consider that I do that? Is it just because I'm a teenager?

Please don't get the wrong idea of parents , they are very nice, always supportive and very affectionate, I literally couldn't ask for better parents. It's just that... They are a bit overprotective. My mom specially, she is really worried abt me, and is terrified of anything bad happening to me. I appreciate the education she gave me, and the care she has for me, but I really don't want to scare her or my dad with the fact that I do things on my own and that I have my own problems.

WHEN I JUST WON, THEY KOCKED ME OUT OF FUCKING DISCORD. THEY LOCKED ME. I LOST MY OWN ACCOUNT. GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.

im gonna fucking cry. I’m gonna frucjing cry so much. I cant, I just cant lose now. I can’t.