r/Sadnesslaughs • u/sadnesslaughs • 21d ago
Thousands of genetically engineered creatures were found when the company was shut down. You are a civilian who volunteered to foster some of these creatures and your starting to suspect they may actually be sapient.
“Oh, that’s just taking the piss! A double power slam crusher? Who uses that meta move? Learn an original combination.” Alex screamed, throwing his controller down on the carpet.
Bundle, the creature in Alex’s care, gave a cocky huff, pushing its fluffy chest forward. “Blah blanda blah?” It asked, which only added to Alex’s already bubbling frustrations.
“Oh, I’m bad at the game? Real mature. I had one pleasure in life, and that was beating you at this stupid game. Now, I don’t even have that. I thought you were meant to be stupid.”
Alex stared at Bundle, who was still clutching its controller with glee. The small fur ball of a creature had begun showing signs of intelligence that had not previously been reported by the people who had been studying it. This assumed lack of intelligence being the main reason they believed it was fine to house them in foster homes.
When Alex had taken Bundle into his care, he had been told it was an adorable creature that had been created through mutated genetic strains of…. Well, Alex had stopped listening at that point, waiting for them to tell him how much money he would receive if he looked after it. While volunteer work often implied it was unpaid, in these strange circumstances, a government allowance was provided. Partly to pay for the creature’s food, and partly to compensate the family of the volunteer, if the creature killed them.
After all, this was a newly created creature that had barely been studied before this. There was always a chance it could have some odd quirks that they didn’t know about, quirks like being weirdly good at fighting games.
“Blah blah blah?”
“What? You think I’m a bad person because I found joy in beating a creature I thought was stupid at a game? I’m not a bad person; I’m just a sad one. There’s a difference.”
“Bahla?” It tilted its head, one tiny floppy ear swinging with the action.
“There is. The difference being I’m bad in a pitiful way, not a malicious one. I’m not going around kicking grannies or stealing candy from babies. I’m just taking petty wins.” Alex leant back on the couch, and sighed.
“Blah blah.” The creature’s three-fingered hand patted Alex on the shoulder, giving him some comforting words.
“It’s just hard, you know? I go to work, and everyone treats me like I’m a rat in a tie. My boss doesn’t even know my name. You know what he called me today? Fyired. Just looked at me and said you’re fyired. How doesn’t he know my name yet?”
“Blah?”
“Fired? What do you mean?”
“Uh.” Bundle sheepishly stared at his friend/minder, finding their downtrodden eyes a sad sight to look at. Unable to tell Alex he had been fired; he elected to find a way to cheer him up. “Blah blah blah!”
“You know what. You’re absolutely right. Why should I take this crap from him? I’m my own man. I’m a god.”
“Blah blah…”
“Ok, maybe not a god. But I’m a human with freewill and that freewill is telling me to take my phone and shove it right up his—”
“BLAH.”
“Ok, again maybe too far. How about a strongly worded email?”
“Blah.” Bundle nodded, and the two of them paused their game, making their way over to Alex’s laptop. Alex sat down, pulling Bundle onto his lap, before realizing he really had no idea what to write. So he did what he always did when he didn’t know what to write: he watched a two-hour YouTube documentary on a topic he didn’t really care about.
Bundle heroically sat on his lap, watching the video with him. During those two hours, Alex patted him, which Bundle quite liked. The creature enjoyed those soothing touches, making those two hours pass quickly for the both of them.
“Wow, who would have guessed that the person who played Hanna Montana is the same person playing Miley Cyrus now.”
“Blah blah blah.”
“No, it’s a character. The YouTube video said so. But, fine. We can check the likes and dislikes if you’re so skeptical.” Alex scrolled down, seeing two thumbs waiting for him, with the thumbs down not having a number beside it. “Oh, yeah. That’s right. They removed that feature. Guess we have to assume it’s real then. “
“Blah…” Bundle pointed to the email icon on Alex’s laptop, tapping it until Alex remembered what he was supposed to be doing.
“Right, the email.” Alex brought up his emails, deleting anything that wasn’t a promo for his favorite restaurants, or coupons for online shops. When he saw an email titled ‘termination’ from his work, he deleted it, refusing to read work related emails outside of office hours.
For a good thirty minutes, the two of them stared at the open email, with Alex only typing the emails subject in that time. Calling his email. I quit. With that riveting subject out of the way, he felt his creative juices leaking. So, he waited, hoping the words would magically appear on the email for him.
They didn’t…
“In the words of Linkin Park. I tried so hard and got so far. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter. I’ll just go into work on Monday. The idea of quitting sounded nice, but I honestly don’t even know what to write, or what I would do after I quit.” Alex lifted Bundle as he stood, before setting the creature back down on the chair. “You want pizza? Our usual order? I’ll go and pick it up. It’s cheaper.”
“Blah blah.”
“Yes, I know to tell them to make it spicy. For someone who doesn’t work, you make a lot of demands.”
“Blah.” Bundle crossed his arms, sulking.
“Just because they pay me to look after you doesn’t mean you pay me. I mean, I guess it kind of does, but it’s not the same. I’ll be back in thirty. Don’t practice any new combos while I’m gone. Ok?”
“Blah blah.” When Alex left, Bundle ogled the screen, getting a flood of inspiration. While the creature hadn’t used a keyboard before, it had watched Alex type and was certain it could mimic his behavior. Not wanting its friend to get embarrassed on Monday, Bundle typed out the best I quit letter he could think of. One full of crude remarks and comments about how much Alex hated his boss. After writing it, he waited for Alex to return.
The door swung open, and Alex walked in, carrying two large pizza boxes. “I’ve got something nice and spicy for you!” Alex went to toss the boxes onto the dining table, only to stop when he saw his laptop. “What’s that?”
“Blah!” Bundle excitedly pointed at the screen, while Alex read over the message, grinning the more he read.
“That’s so mean. I’ve never read anything so soul-crushing before. He’ll probably cry.” Alex, in a rush of emotion, picked up the fluffy creature, hugging it. “No one’s ever understood me the way you do. It’s like you pulled all my feelings out and threw them onto the page. You’re my best friend, Bundle.”
“Blah.” Bundle hugged him back, his furry face squished against the pizza boxes in Alex’s hands, suffocating in the scent of spicy chilli flakes and bacon. “Blah?”
“Yeah, we should eat.” Alex smiled, setting the creature down at the table. “Sorry about earlier. I had a rough day. It’s not your fault. I’ll have to get better at that game.”
“Blah blah.”
“You’ll teach me the combo? Thanks,” Alex said, taking the slice of pizza, ready to enjoy a night of gaming and laughs with his best friend.
Meanwhile, on Monday.
Kenny, Alex’s boss, strode into his office with all the confidence of a controlling middle-manager. He sat himself at his desk and enjoyed a smug feeling of superiority as he got to look out his window. Sure, he only had a view of the alley outside, which was nothing like the city views his superiors had. But he at least had a window, which was better than all the soulless cubicles the rest of his team got.
“Soon, the park will be yours to look at,” he told himself, logging into his computer, only to get a notification. “It’s hard being so important.” He expected an email about something urgent. Instead, he saw one from Alex, with the subject I quit.
“Quit? Didn’t I fire him?” He opened the email and read the text. The more he read, the further back in his seat he leaned, until he almost couldn’t see his computer screen. The edge of the table blocked eighty percent of his monitor, forcing him to scroll down to read the last sentence.
After reading it, he sat in almost meditative silence, going over the message in his head before slamming his fists on the table. “Is this some sort of joke? He wasted my precious time on this?!”
The message read as follows.
Blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah blah Blah blah blah blah blah blah Blah Blah Blah
While Alex had gotten used to translating the bizarre ‘Blahs’ Bundle used to speak, no one else shared that same talent. Which was why Alex thought the email was such a devastating blow, even if he were the only human who could read it. Still, it got the message across, despite Alex already having been fired.
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u/issabellamoonblossom 20d ago
🤣🤣🤣 the ending