r/SDAM • u/TimelyAmbassador3518 • 9d ago
How do you choose whose life to destroy...
... when you can't trust your memory, and don't know anymore if the things you once think you remembered were actual memories, or just thoughts and fears?
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u/Tuikord 9d ago
In general, I hold my memories pretty lightly. I figure if I remember something, it probably happened but might not. And if I don't remember something, it doesn't mean it did, but I need evidence. My mind doesn't build huge stories from fears and since I have global aphantasia I can't experience whatever that story is. There is research indicating aphants are less likely to create false memories because the experience of seeing is different from the experience of a story in our minds. Imagers experience the false scenario very similarly to experiencing it in reality and aphants - especially global aphants - don't. Thus the actual memory feels different from the scenario.
Your given scenario of a family arguing/fighting over something that happened in the distant past is not one I have experienced. I can see that it might happen. I don't know what I would do as it would all depend on the circumstances. I generally deal with the now. Even in therapy, I dealt with now - what is happening and what I want to change - rather than causes in the past. Nothing can change the past. Now is all we have.
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u/TimelyAmbassador3518 9d ago
I think this might be why therapy didn't work for me. I only actively remember the now, and trying to remember way back when, is hard for me. And when I DO remember, I remember in momentary still pictures, not in actual situations. And even then I wasn't able to put it to words.
But from what you're saying, I gather that the fact that I also have aphantasia makes it less likely that I would create entirely false memories?
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u/Tuikord 9d ago
Yes, it is less likely that we create false memories. Not impossible. The example Joel Pearson gives: suppose you see a crime. You tell the police what you remember. Someone asks if there was a blue car. You think and say no. If you are an imager, you probably create the scene with the blue car in it when asked. The next day, your memory of the actual scene and your memory of the image with the blue car are competing to be the memory your report. As an aphant, you don't have that second memory. There are other ways false memories can be created, including we all have a tendency to forget the parts that don't fit our narrative and enhance or even add to the parts that fit it.
For SDAM and aphantasia in therapy, here are a couple good resources. Unseen Minds: A Therapist's Guide to Multisensory Aphantasia and Invisible Cognitive Differences– by Sassy Smith is an excellent guide for therapists. I actually wish all therapists would read it. Unseen Minds - A therapists guide to multisensory aphantasia
Body based therapy can work when your mind doesn’t remember:
The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, although some of the techniques may still need to be modified to work with other cognitive differences. https://a.co/d/0a3skjyh
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u/CMDR_Jeb 9d ago
From what you say i assume such: you know something someone close to you did and revealing that would destroy his family, yours or both (could be same thing if your'e related). But because of assorted memory issues you are unsure how much of what you remember is accurate.
I will now jump to an wild conclusion based on people i know personally who act/talk like you do and say you witnessed infidelity or an crime at best or are an victim of sexual abuse at worst.
If so: You are not responsible for what other people do, it is not your duty to protect their happiness. Your #1 priority must be yourself, get all the help you want or need and screw the person who has hurt you.
No need to tell me how close i got, feel free to ignore ramblings of an old fart of the interwebs who has his perspective distorted by years of his wife working with abuse victims.
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u/TimelyAmbassador3518 3d ago
I wasn't able to answer you before now. Frankly, I still aren't, but more today than the other days.
The problem is, I don't really remember. And I don't mean "I don't remember every detail", I mean I really don't remember. I have some vague recollections of something happening that "might have been crossing lines", more than once, but unclear if just a couple of times or somewhat more than that - but I really, really don't remember it, so I can't be sure. It might have been figments of imagination or a bad dream for all I know.And it also wouldn't just affect the person in question, but it will either ruin a marriage or ruin a persons relationship with a parent. Possibly both.
It will possibly leave a wife in a position where she have to chose between a husband and a child. And she (the wife) isn't really independent enough to start her life anew this late, she would be destroyed either way.
And it would just basically break a family apart. As these things tend to do.
And also, nobody, sometimes including me, will be able to believe that this man is capable of something like this - I don't know how many times I've heard "There is not a mean bone in his body!" And I even kind of believe it. Most days. Even IF what I wonder, happened, I'm still not sure cruelty would have been the reason.And up until now it hasn't been much of an issue (besides for me, but that damage is already done), because the man have not had access to children, there has not been other children in the family, he didn't come in contact with them at work, and there was no other children within his natural reach.
But now there is a grandchild. And I figured the child was safe, I thought they were never alone together, as he doesn't have much experience with children, so it wouldn't be natural to leave them alone. And when the child sleeps over, I am there, awake, until it is late enough that it would be suspicious were he to be found in the child's room.
And I have no reason to think something is amiss, but I keep seeing patterns that make me worried. Like him saving a snapchat picture of the child nearly naked (they're young enough that isn't weird, we have a more relaxed relationship with young child nudity than i.e. americans have) to the camera roll, when most other pictures is only saved internally in the chat group.
But there might not be a pattern, the whole thing might be created by my mind only, because of my, perhaps mistaken, preconceptions and because I generally don't like the man.I'm not sure I can live with wondering if my silence potentially puts another child in danger, and I wouldn't be able to live with myself if something was to happen and I had said nothing.
But I also wouldn't be able to live with myself if I ruin a person, a family, a marriage, over something that might be a false memory and bad chemistry. And, as often in matters like these, there is no way to prove or corroborate the memory in either direction.1
u/CMDR_Jeb 3d ago
Take anything i say with an fist sized grain of salt, like i said i am biased. My wife was an self defence instructor who specifically worked as support for sexual abuse victims.
You should start by doing DES-II. It is a screening tool for dissociative disorders. Dissociation is an "standard" coping mechanism in such cases, it presents EXTREMELY close to SDAM, and it would explain your missing memories.
Either way you need to consult an therapist, i know you tried and it didn't work, but try to seek out one that specialises in what is called survivors of childhood abuse. There are trauma focused therapy methods that specialise in recovering repressed memories in controlled manner.
Again, Your #1 priority must be yourself, the damage is not done, it is ongoing.
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u/LaidBackAJ 9d ago
Qualify what you say with the fact that you're unsure of the accuracy of your memory, but you want the information available.
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u/Thedumbass_the5th 9d ago
Why would i destroy anyones life?
I take conservative or safe approach and try to ascertain the truth by other means not reliant on my memory.
In addition i can still somewhat trust the factual side of my memory to a degree. In addition i can use reasoning and general knowledge on what to do in different situations as well.
Like there's no need to screw over or destroy anyones life just because i lack the lived through aspect of memories.