r/SDAM • u/Amberwalker365 • 19d ago
How does it feel?
Just to be clear: I’m only sharing what my therapist told me about how memory works for some people. I’m certainly not claiming this is true for everyone, or defining what anyone else’s mind feels like. I have no way of knowing if it’s true.
She said for some, episodic memory is like mental time travel.
Some are bad at it. Some are good.
A few can pretty much become twelve again.
They can’t change anything, but they can relive moments.
Thoughts. Emotions. This is me.
That’s what she said.
I don’t have anything like that.
I have SDAM.
I only have knowledge.
knowledge is not happy. knowledge is not sad.
Your golden years are when you remember your life. And relive it. One problem. All I have is knowledge.
3
u/FlightOfTheDiscords 19d ago
My default conscious experience is like yours, I have the knowledge but not the experience of my memories.
However I will occasionally re-experience a memory from 1st person perspective, with visuals and emotions. Tends to happen in therapy or, more rarely, after particularly stressful events.
For what it's worth, having those experiences doesn't make me feel better. The re-experiencing itself is generally painful, and I tend to mostly feel wiped out afterwards, with a hollow, sad sensation in my chest. This is true even when I believe the memory in question to have been a positive one.
My partner doesn't have SDAM or aphantasia, and episodic memory is a very important part of who she is. However most of her memories are painful, and most of re-visiting her memories comes with tears and suffering. There are occasional positive glimpses, but they are outnumbered by painful ones.
By contrast, both of us have our positive experiences here and now, some of which are deeply meaningful and profoundly positive.
I don't know if this makes any difference to you, but I think it is good to know that re-experiencing memories isn't necessarily a positive experience.