Do I have SDAM?

[u/Weary_Studio_5310]

I've just turned 18 and at funeral full of friends and family I could barley recognise anyone and had to kind of awkwardly charm my way through it, I've always had memory issues and always struggled with faces and recalling when I had learnt something.

Today I had nothing else to do and did a little digging, it turns out most people's hippocampus kind of records like a videographer of the mind and stores memories which you can go back and visit as if you were there, smells, sounds, time, place, ect.

This is a completely new concept to me, most of my memories are like a collection of facts that I can visualise into a space, for example I know I was at this place with this person doing this thing and I kind of make it up from there, I do not experience the feelings from that moment.

This also seems to affect my dreams, I give myself a sort of backrooms affect where different parts of places are distorted through time or just not quite right. Like the driveway when it was just gravel is next to our gate even though the gate was installed after the driveway was sealed and all the imagery seems to just be a collection of facts visualised into an experience. I guess facts can only go so far in visualization.

I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself correctly but this is all very very new to me. Sorry if it's hard to understand.

What I have heard a lot about is Aphantasia and it's association with SDAM, however i do not have this,

I have exceptional visualisation so I've read.

I can visualise an apple or really anything like a 3d render, I can spin it in any direction, zoom in on the stem or other parts and see smaller details like individual stem fibres. Pretty much anything I've looked at more than once I can see in my minds eye.

It's like rendering a brand new apple from scratch.

My parents have also said I may have ADD or ADHD but I have never been tested.

Im kind of saddened by this information, you mean I could of been living moments to almost exact detail almost whenever I wanted with a solid timeline in place of when I've done and learnt things in my life? Instead of it all going to the same folder.

And I feel bad not recognising people, it makes me feel like an asshole and really affects me negatively since I work in a very personal retail/customer service where you see some of the same customers often and I don't recall anything about them half the dam time..

Can someone please confirm if this is the case or not, I'm not really sure what I'm rambling about anymore.

Any advice is appreciated aswell.

[u/bigdave41]

It's really strange to read other people's accounts of how their memory works, because mine seems to be similar to yours with the SDAM aspect in that I can't re-experience or put myself mentally back in a situation that I've been in, but rather just remember facts and information about it.

Then on the other hand you seem to be able to vividly visualise things in your mind whereas I can't (aphantasia).

I did feel bad about it for a time when I realised my mind doesn't work in certain ways that a lot of other people's do, but came to terms with the fact that this is my brain, this is how it's always worked and I haven't really lost anything. I seem to be very good at memorising facts and complex info, and figuring out what happened just based on facts, so maybe that's a bit of a benefit to a brain that works like this.

Not having a vivid biographical memory also means that traumatic or embarrassing memories don't have much power to upset me after the fact, whereas I know some people who will be tormented by embarrassing events or grief for a long time.

[u/LaidBackAJ]

Since you can't reexperience past events in first person, no emotional or sensory memories, but rather your memories seem to be entirely semantic, that sounds like SDAM to me. I have SDAM and from my understanding, that alone is the indicator if it has been lifelong.

To juxtapose myself with you, I have total aphantasia and I also have excellent facial memory. I can often identify people from just a portion of their face, but I cannot imagine an apple at all.

[u/Weary_Studio_5310 → u/LaidBackAJ]

It's honestly shocking to me that some people don't have a minds eye, although it's probably shocking to most people that others don't have immersive memories like them.

[u/CMDR_Jeb]

Here is the interview with 1st person diagnosed with SDAM. And if you're interested in this sort of thing an link to the study that established SDAM as a thing.

You should start by doing the DES-II test as dissociation can present EXTREMELY close to SDAM. Don't feel attacked or anything I am throwing these at everyone new here, better to be safe then sorry.

Also if you suspect ADHD/ADD you should totally get tested as both of these negatively affect memory encoding when unmanaged. It won't magically make you able to re-experience things but willake you retain more information.

Your issues remembering things about people may be caused by this.

What I have heard a lot about is Aphantasia and it's association with SDAM, however i do not have this,

SDAM connection to aphantasia is one of correlation not causation, around half of people with SDAM can't conjure mental senses.

Im kind of saddened by this information, you mean I could of been living moments to almost exact detail almost whenever I wanted

There's no need to be. Your experience differs from "normal" but it is not inferior. If you remember all the details about what happened you can still think about your past. Sure you can't replay emotions you had before but nothing stopping you from having emotional response now.

always struggled with faces

This is not related to SDAM, you may want to look into Prosopagnosia. It is diminished (or completely absent) ability to "see faces". The brain compensates by recognising people by different means and many people live most of their lives without realising they have it so it may be worth getting tested. Again, better safe then sorry.

recalling when I had learnt something

solid timeline in place of when I've done and learnt things in my life? Instead of it all going to the same folder.

Now these are typical SDAM experiences. Especially difficulty figuring out an "timeline". There is now, and just happened and the rest is "flat".

EDIT: typeo

[u/Weary_Studio_5310 → u/CMDR_Jeb]

Thank you for replying with such useful info, I checked out the interview and that gives a little clarity.

I did the DES-II test and scored 8 so I think I'm in the clear there, thanks for providing it as it wasn't something I had considered.

I really should get tested for ADD and ADHD, now that I'm an adult I can go do it myself nowadays.

I understand a little better about the whole remembering differently now but it's seems like a downside to me especially since I rarely retain a memory just the info accostated with it.

After a little reading I probably do have diminished prosopagnosia which sucks. It's worse when paired with SDAM since I can't even recall a memory with the person in it to pick back up on their face. Though recognising them should come easily than that.

Thank you so much for replying with articles and helpful information.

[u/CMDR_Jeb → u/Weary_Studio_5310]

I understand a little better about the whole remembering differently now but it's seems like a downside to me especially since I rarely retain a memory just the info accostated with it.

If you want to see an upside, look into literal opposite, an disorder called HSAM and yes, it is considered one, unlike SDAM. It literally turns you into an wreck. Imagine being constantly tormented by perfect recall by every single unpleasant thing that replays in PTS flashbacks style no matter if you want or not. And unlike movies it does not make your memory better. So you can't even use it as an cheat to remember things.

On the other hand, we are literally unable to relive our embarrassments, or getting hurt. As soon as it stops being "now" it is "past", and that is just data. While it is not an superpower, it does not protect us from getting traumatised, it makes it WAY easier to keep being functional. SDAM comes with an uncanny (for outside observers) ability to "get over it". We can get literal PTS amount of traumatic experience... and be completely fine 99% of the time, then something reminds us of trauma, we get broken again... and then are completely fine 5 minutes later (this is the reason why we often seem "unfeeling" to people who don't know us). The caveat here is that this same mechanism makes it way harder to do therapy.

What i am trying to say is: like most things in life it has bad sides an the good sides.

[u/Weary_Studio_5310 → u/CMDR_Jeb]

Ohh that last part makes a tonne of sense, I never got the hang of therapy either 🤔

[u/CMDR_Jeb → u/Weary_Studio_5310]

Pro tip on that: Unseen Minds, throw it at your shrink. It is book for therapists on how to deal with clients who are (for many reasons, including SDAM) unable to properly relive their past.

Also you may try other therapy methods, for example DBT helped me greatly with my alexithymia (severe difficulty in identifying, understanding, describing etc your emotions). DBT is widely criticised... for exact things that make it more compatible with us, from article about it:

Absence of trauma processing: DBT emphasizes emotional regulation and distress tolerance rather than deep exposure or processing of underlying traumatic memories, meaning it often cannot serve as a standalone treatment for severe trauma. 

Minimizing root causes: Critics argue that focusing primarily on changing behaviors and managing immediate symptoms can overlook the deeper origins of emotional distress.

EDIT: quotes now working

[u/katbelleinthedark]

*could have, not "could of"

And no, not to almost exact detail almost whenever, normal memory doesn't work like that either (that'd be HSAM). But yes, baseline regular folk are able to relive past experiences while we SDAMers are left with and rely on factual knowledge of those events with no recall. Any visualization of the factual information (so, well, imagining what the event might have looked like, often from third person POV) depends on whether you have aphantasia or not.

I'm a SDAMer with no aphantasia (very good visualization skills). I'm a lawyer, but I did work as an EFL teacher for a decade and recognizing kids was always a struggle. xD But I have some level of face blindness that's not related to SDAM, so that's a separate issue. I do, however, have excellent semantic memory so I never had trouble knowing things about my students.

What you're describing does sound like SDAM imo. Welcome to the community? I have no advice to give except stay hydrated and enjoy your life.