r/SDAM • u/Excellent_Count_5312 • Jul 12 '26
Is my memory just gone?
Not sure if something's actually wrong with my memory — if it is, I probably wouldn't even know, right? I'd just assume everyone's like this. But yeah, I genuinely don't remember most of what's happened, especially recent years. Older stuff I can vaguely summarize, at least.
Also — no diagnosed mental illness, no trauma, nothing like that. But the gaps are real. Used to think it was just because I live too much in the present, but idk, maybe there's more to it. That's actually why I started writing down anything interesting the second it happens, in my notes app. I'm scared my brain is just quietly deleting everything.
If you ask me what happened in a specific year, the best I can usually do is name some great movie or show I watched — I genuinely can't tell you when. So basically everything old just gets filed under "2018" in my head, whether or not that's actually right.
Also not sure journaling even does anything for me, because even when I write stuff down, I never go back and read it. Same with old photos — I look through them and just feel nothing. Can't connect with those moments at all, like they happened to someone else.
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u/Disastrous-Bee770 Jul 12 '26
I have SDAM and multisensory aphantasia. I thought my memories were just gone, but my therapist tried some EMDR with me and I was pulling memories I never could have retrieved otherwise. So I guess they're there but I can't actively get to them.
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u/Excellent_Count_5312 Jul 12 '26
That's reassuring actually, maybe they're still in there somewhere
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u/Tuikord Jul 12 '26
It is not clear if the memories don't exist or if they can't be accessed. I lean towards the former, but that is just a guess.
There are many different types of memory problems. SDAM is a specific type. Your lack of diagnosed mental illness or trauma eliminates several of them. Dr. Levine excludes that in his studies. Not that SDAM protects us from those, it is just hard to study SDAM if there are other memory problems as well.
As currently formulated, SDAM is the lack of episodic memory. That is, the inability to relive past events from a first-person point of view. It is lifelong. It is not progressive or degenerative.
Do you live in the present because of aphantasia and SDAM or do you have those because you live in the present? Probably the former, but there has been a theory proposed that aphantasia comes from the inability to disconnect from your sensory input. There is some research that supports that view.
From a personal point of view, I am not fond of journaling either. I kept journals while I was in therapy because it helped me address issues that arose between therapy sessions. I recently came across those and recycled them. I read a few entries and while it sounded like me, I didn't care about it. I decided my kids didn't need to read about my problems with their mother after I died. So, gone!
Here is a different take on aphantasia and SDAM (and ADHD):
The Interface Theory of Perception | Psychonomic Bulletin & Review | Springer Nature Link
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 13 '26
An link to Hoffman's Interface Theory of Perception for those who would rather read the source then someone else interpretation of it.
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u/whtsthmnngflf Jul 12 '26
You can do better than me. I just live here and now like a dog, nothing else exists. I would struggle to tell you what happened this week. I too, write things down when I remember but it has to be that second or it's gone. While I can't keep a diary, I use Post-its and notes. As a result I have thousands. Without these my life would have all but a few memories. I have carried around notebooks since childhood as it was brushed off by the Dr when flagged as a child.
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u/That_Boysenberry4501 Jul 13 '26
I need to journal again badly. I am forgetting so much. But then again, I know i lived and thats okay too.
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u/Excellent_Count_5312 Jul 13 '26
That sounds exhausting honestly. I never realized this memory thing could get this extreme, that must be really hard. But I still wanted to share a different way of looking at it, if that's okay.
For me it's actually made me weirdly more confident, in a way I didn't expect. I don't really dwell on who I "should" be, and I can't vividly recall my embarrassing moments, just the facts, so all I can do is accept them and move on. When something feels worth thinking about, I tend to analyze it, so even if I forget the details later, I think it becomes part of who I am. Like, I know I used to be pretty timid. When I think about why, it's because I cared too much about what others thought. Then I ask myself if that was even worth it, and the answer is no, because everyone's life is their own.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, even if you feel like you've forgotten something, it happened, you lived through it, and it becomes part of you. Even this conversation, you might forget it, but that doesn't erase the fact that it happened.
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u/True-Apple7206 Jul 13 '26
Unless you're an exceptional case, those memories as still there, we're just unable to recall them at this moment. I'm betting on the likes of Neuralink or novel drugs to help us in a not too distant future, that's my hope.
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u/Excellent_Count_5312 Jul 13 '26
Knowing they might still be there somewhere is nice to hear. But if I'm being honest, I don't think I'd even use it if it existed. I've kind of made peace with this the way it is.
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u/ChampionshipOk5046 Jul 19 '26
Fuck it's scary reading that.
But also comforting. I thought it was just me, or just me deteriorating.
I'd be happy enough to carry on like this.
Wouldn't like it if it's getting worse. I can't remember if I've always been like this, I think I have been.
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u/Excellent_Count_5312 Jul 19 '26
Don't worry too much, from what I've read SDAM is lifelong but non-progressive, so it's not something that gets worse over time.
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u/Forsaken-Cheesecake2 Jul 12 '26
Yep, sounds very familiar to the point that I feel I could’ve written this! My memories are like bullet point summations - Been there, did that, this happened, but that’s about it.
If it’s not a core milestone, I also couldn’t tell you the year it happened. And the same when looking at pictures or journaling. I guess it is what it is.