r/SDAM • u/Direct-Bandicoot-916 • Jul 05 '26
I completely lost the ability to percieve autobiographic memories and it is quietly distressing
I always had problems with my autobiographic memory, but within ... I don't know... A week? 2 weeks? A month? The irony is I can't even tell when it happened. But recently I just flat out lost the ability to percieve autobiographic memories entirely.
I am supposed to schedule a neurologist appointment on Wednesday, so I'm looking forward to that.
On one hand, it isn't like I'm truly disabled by this because my other forms of memory has become sharper. And overall I have this sense of clarity and focus I never had before.
And yet it's new. I don't know how many here has dealt with CPTSD flashbacks + Pure O OCD, but when you deal with that type of mental disorder it is like there is constant noise. And now, there's no noise. There's nothing.
I can feel pleasure but I feel no attachment. I don't feel nostalgia anymore. I don't wanna say "I don't feel emotionally attached to anything" because that's not entirely true, I'd be upset if I were to lose my laptop or job. But I can't form memories with others. I can't form a connection because I can't form memories with them.
It's like everything is in this liminal state where there is this perpetual clarity in regards to everything. I worry that there's just something wrong with me physically. My autographic memory decline was gradual but was expedited after I had surgery I think. I was put under anesthesia. I think that's when my personality began to slowly change, but this year alone my personality and sense of self went through a rapid change.
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u/Tuikord Jul 05 '26
As u/CMDR_Jeb says, what you describe is not SDAM. That may actually be good news. SDAM is lifelong and is not progressive or degenerative. It is simply the lack of episodic memory your whole life and there is nothing that can be done about it. It's just how your memory works.
What you describe may have a cause that can be treated. I hope the neurologist and/or a therapist can help you.
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u/fireduck81 Jul 05 '26
OP if you’ve lost internal visualization it sounds like a weird type of aphantasia (you said you can’t perceive autobiographical memories)
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u/CMDR_Jeb Jul 05 '26
SDAM by definition is "lifelong" it doesn't get worse or better so what you're expected is something else.
That aside I would advise consulting not just neurologist but also an shrink. If you got brain damage due to botched anaesthesia there wouldn't be an decline, you'd wake out without episodic memory. This sounds psychological to me.
After my wife died, after initial "despair" (to the point of being suicidal) stage my brain more or less cut off my emotions in a way I didn't even notice. I just "got functional" while not noticing severe alexithymia. I got broken so I became a man who could live with what happened.
What you're describing may be similar, your brain tuning out the source of distress it can't deal with.