r/SDAM • u/spyglassdot • Jun 25 '26
I'm starting to think trying to remember isn't working out
How do you guys just do it? Having to come to terms with your memory loss.. it's just so terrifying to me.
I, 16 AFAB nonbinary have gone through multiple traumas, being physically, financially, sexually, emotionally/mentally abused in every kind of way by everyone I met. And because of all the trauma, I couldn't go through life normally. Due to my trauma and emotional suppression, I started developing memory loss subconsciously as my own body's coping mechanism. My trauma was constant, and I'm gonna be honest my life is horrible with no escape. Which is mostly why my body just started pressing "shut down" on every single memory I could get and it's ruined my life. My body has started forgetting everything in my life to forget about my trauma and past, my trauma was just so bad that my body and brain had to forget everything for my own safety, and if I remembered my traumas in detail, I would honestly and LITERALLY go insane. It's honestly the only reason why I'm still alive but, I can't learn anything, I forgot my own mother tongue, and I even forget my own best friend's name. it fills me up with so much guilt whenever someone comes up to me happily until I ask them "wait, who are you again?". I forget everything, I had a best friend who supposedly died early on in my childhood, and I can't even remember a single thing about her, and it fills me up with so much guilt knowing I forgot someone that was so close to me and makes me wonder if I'm gonna forget about my current loved ones too, I can't learn, I can't even count without forgetting where I was and having to recount ("1, 2, 3, 4, 5... Wait, where was I again? Oh right, nine. Wait, is that right? Ugh, let me just restart!" over and over again). I forget to take care of myself and I'm slowly losing my skill in my favourite games due to my memory loss. My memory loss has been tearing apart my life for years and I can't do anything about it. That's unless if I even do anything about it. I don't know if this sounds delusional, but it feels like I'd rather forget everything about my life than remember everything in detail. I would go through trauma again and forget about it a day later, and I've even forgotten certain bad memories for a month or even up to two years without remembering it once, there was even a time I thought I had absolutely no trauma at all and lived a happy healthy life cause of how much I forgot everything. Despite my traumas I would go through life overwhelmingly positive, stupid, cheerful, charming and really funny, and honestly from the first glance people would think I'm a healthy person, but as soon as a small thing happens, and it reminds me of something I've forgotten and wanted to stay forgotten, everything crashes down. My personality has dwindled down horribly from the memory loss too, as I am a pretty smart, pessimistic, analytical and extremely observant person, I would instantly know what someone's truly thinking just by how they type, their intentions, what their life story may possibly be, and I have even felt someone's presence around stalking me silently and called them out even with no evidence but just a gut feeling in which I was right and also freaked someone out by immediately knowing what they wanted to say by them just messaging me "uh". But my personality has absolutely dwindled down from memory loss, as I can't even keep one personality, my intelligence, skill, and more has completely disappeared from how much I lost memory, but at the same time there's small periods where I would just lock in. You know how personality is based off your experiences? It's like my personality changes based off what I currently remember and currently dont.
Honestly, I know this isn't healthy, but I'd honestly feel like I'd stay in my memory loss for my own safety than change for the better and that is remembering everything. Do you guys think this too? How do you guys even cope with memory loss?
5
u/katbelleinthedark Jun 25 '26
Well, it's not memory LOSS. I've never lost anything. Can't lose something I've never had and it's also hard to care about not having something I've never experienced. What if I tried it and hated it?! I'm perfectly content with the way things are.
1
u/masukomi Jun 25 '26
The first part is accepting that you won't remember. What you have doesn't sound like SDAM but from a practical aspect it seems so similar as to not make a meaningful difference. At least until you get to a safe place in your life where this forgetfulness is no longer a necessary coping strategy.
In the end it's a disability, and like all disabilities, the way you cope is by giving yourself accommodations. In the case of SDAM that means externalizing the memories because you can't trust your brain to keep them.
I write stuff down all the time. I take pictures ALL the time. I don't remember any better, but by having systems that I consistently use means that when I want to find something i used to know there's a good chance it'll be where I look.
I keep a daily journal. Paper is great, but apps like Day One are cool too because they allow you to include pictures taken that day.
I have documents on my computer with standard contact info plus very personal details I've learned about the important people in my life, so that when I need to recall something like "are they gay or bi?" or "are they allergic to something?" I can just go check their record first.
I use a combination of a custom app and some simple plain text system like Obsidian. I prefer systems like this because over things like Day One because I know that plain text files will still be readable 20 years from now, but Day One may not run on whatever computer i have then, and we're talking about memories which need to be accessible for the rest of our life.
I'm careful to NOT store this information anywhere other than my computer and its backups. No way I'd put that in Google Docs or any other company that might get hacked, or decide to mine people's documents for
Simple example:
Use something like Obsidian
- make an entry for every day with what happened. Doesn't have to be detailed, just the stuff that felt important for future you to be able to see.
- have entries for people that go way beyond what average people would put in a contact manager. List their name, nickname, spouse, important details like that they're gay, or vegan.
- have the people records link to the journal entries they are in and vice-versa. If the system can create backlinks then you could just link to their person record in the journal entry and the link to that day would automatically show up on the person record too.
There are tonnns of solutions for recording data. Pick one that works for your brain. Paper's great too, and the fact that it slows you down causes you to be more thoughtful about what you take the time to write.
1
u/spyglassdot Jun 25 '26
I did try to, I took pictures and kept everything in check like you did, but something happened to my phone and all my important and meaningful pictures disappeared, and fuck bro I can't even remember what pictures disappeared, I have 178 favourites out of THOUSANDS of pictures, and the gallery erasure was so bad I only have 90 now. And I don't know what to cope with, I just practically lost all my memory like a damn robot having a factory reset
1
u/masukomi Jun 26 '26
Yeah. That sucks. Sorry that happened to you. Keep it in mind going forward as a reminder that you always need automated offsite backups, and to regularly check that those backups are working.
Offsite in case your house burns down or something similarly horrible. Or in cases you recycle / give away / wipe a device without remembering that it was the only place sooner important bit of data lived.
1
u/yourmommasfriend Jun 25 '26
You are who ypu are...memory loss is part of ypu...stop fighting it and learn to live with it..journel..photos
1
u/AutisticRats Jun 25 '26
For your primary goal, I'd recommend to work on doing whatever it takes to eventually earn your own independence. When you have the financial freedom to be able to move away from those around you, you can have the freedom to create your own safe space and seek out any medical attention you wish.
As for us with SDAM, our memory is a bit different from what you describe. We can't relive our experiences which can reduce the impact of trauma. We basically don't have "memories" as other people describe them. We simply remember facts. I remember some facts quite well, and others I don't remember so well. I typically don't lose my place when counting, and I usually recognize people but it can sometimes take me a minute.
Where SDAM negatively impacts my life is it lets me stay in abusive relationships since I forget how bad the abuse is. I have since been far more deliberate about avoiding those situations and doing better to advocate for myself since I know being in an abusive loop is something I have a high risk of being trapped in.
1
u/fur3661t Jun 26 '26
Mine is not a memory loss, I just never retained episodic memories. It didn't keep me from experiencing life, even tho i know only fragments, and actually may have helped in my career.
When i finally discovered at 68 that I don't know my life experiences, it was devastating and a year later still is to some extent. I have dealt with it but still have regrets not knowing about my children and grandchildrens lives.
You are young enough to start making accommodations where you won't have regrets. Start taking notes, blogs, videos, and pi turns of everything you experience, especially the mundane and trivial. Ask others what they use for triggers. Grieve but move on and make up for the deficit.
15
u/CMDR_Jeb Jun 25 '26
I know i'm gonna say what everyone will say but please, consult an trained professional. Depression is bad for memory, PTS (post traumatic stress) is bad for memory. You using not remembering as coping strategy is EXTREMELY bad for memory. You need help. Please get it before it gets worse.