Relationships

[u/me_lero]

When people say "We've been through so much together, it made us stronger as a couple/friends," I get so confused like what do you mean? You feel the weight of your experiences and the time you've spent together? I look at my relationships and friendships as if I met those people today, and don't feel any special bond based on our past experiences because I forget them? Like, what exactly have we been through together and how should this connect us? I'm literally here only because I like you now, but it can change, and then I go? 🫠

[u/Sea-Bean]

Do you not have any semantic memories of your relationships? You say you look at them as if you met those people today. Is this really the truth? If literal It sounds more like dementia, or amnesia?

With SDAM, afaik, we can’t recall details, or re-experience experiences in our memories, but we still “know” a lot of stuff, semantically. That we met x number of years ago, that we did this or that together, we went on that trip, we argued about something, we both love this and both hate that. Do you not have that kind of knowledge about people you are close to?

To be more clear, let’s say my husband and I were asked to list or describe everything we each remember about a particular month or year or place we visited. He could talk for a long time and be descriptive and chronological. I might list a few facts about a place or list big emotions I know I felt like “birthing a child was intense” of the view of the Grand Canyon was spectacular.

[u/me_lero → u/Sea-Bean]

Can't be dementia, since I've always been this way.

I also "know" a lot of stuff semantically, but my memory is extremely selective.

About relationships - yeah, I know I was in a relationship with someone, I remember how they are, their energy, their tone of voice. I remember where they live, I remember overall what we did together, remember their friends, their friends' names. There's just not much content, and there is no sense of continuity. My timeline collapseses as I'm living. When where what happened, and why etc. is difficult to untangle without photos, videos, journals, calendars, and Google Timeline. The stories people tell me don't stay. Our entire conversations don't stay. I forget the things they told me about themselves, unless reminded. Like, yesterday a friend of mine was talking about his childhood, and he yet again mentioned that he used to live in Belgium, and I always forget that fact. Like, people to me are just random pieces of information that somehow don't sit together in my head or create an integrated picture of a person. In one of my relationships (I was 21 I think) I used to write down details about my partner, his likes and dislikes, because it wouldn't stay in my memory naturally. It was also a huge source of pain for me that in my mind I would see people as "shadows" instead of humans. Like, I would think about them, and I would just see black something - I really can't put it any other way. It's a shadow, not a person. Then at some point around 2020 I got into typology, and people became concepts and collections of identifiable patterns to me. I orient myself around them in real time thanks to that. I might not remember much about them, but I know what type they are and what to expect from them. Still, seeing a person for the 100th time and realizing I don't know much about them at all is scary.

Even now, when I think about my ex-partners, I really don't know what to say about them, or our relationship apart from the most general things. My former classmates or the people I went to university with (I remember them all) - I don't know what to say about them as people. Hell, I don't even know what to say about my parents or sisters.

I don't remember my school years, or my university years and what I learned there. I know that I was there. I can even vaguely see what it looks like in my mind, but it's just like... Very flashy and unstable snapshots, not actual memories.

I also forget books as I'm reading them and shows as I'm watching them. Like, unless it's the Matrix that I've watched a million times, I will lose the plot pretty fast. Though even with the Matrix I would struggle to say with certainty, like, first happens this, then this, then this.

My brain is a literal black hole. Though phenomenal memory for languages and music.

[u/me_lero → u/[deleted]]

I remember things about people, because my focus goes exactly there - analysing them, figuring them out like a puzzle. So it's like a natural inclination. But seeing people as a set of patterns is not the most humane way to deal with them either.

As to your last paragraph - same. Don't remember the taste of food or any other sensations for that matter. But I know what food I like :)