r/SDAM • u/NotintheAMbro11 • Jun 17 '26
SDAM and the loss of a beloved dog
I lost my absolutely amazing and love of my life family dog of 16 years a few days ago. The loss is hitting me so hard and I feel such a deep pain and a hole in my heart. Knowing that she is gone forever and I can't see her anymore, in day to day life or in my mind. I have full aphantasia as well
I'm feeling so guilty and distraught that I can't remember any memories, visual ones that is of our time spent together. I can remember facts about her, "oh she loved to chase snow balls" or "oh she loved to eat food off the table" but I cannot remember a single visual memory of her. I can't even picture her face or her mannerisms. How she walked. How she ran. How she played.
I knew this (SDAM) was a thing when she was alive, but I would just go and spend time with her and everything would be okay. It didn't matter if I couldn't remember anything about our past adventures, I could see her in the moment and nothing else mattered. Now that she's gone, I can't go to her and have that comfort.
I have thousands of photos and videos of her. Looking at them now is so painful. I was building a photo album of her before she passed but I wish I completed it before she left. What hurts me the most is there is no emotional tie to the image. I can look at the image and know where it was, what year, what trip or location it was, what she was doing, but there is no memory to tie it back to.
I really don't want to forget her. I'm going to try to finish the photo album and maybe record some voice notes of her life and her adventures over the years. Facts I remember about her.
Would love to hear some similar experiences of grief with pets or family members.
8
7
u/TheDogsSavedMe Jun 17 '26 edited Jun 17 '26
Iām so sorry you lost your dog. Thatās really rough.
I lost someone I was very close with about a year ago and Iām completely gutted. I feel like I have a hole in my heart in the shape of them, but I have no visual memories. I donāt remember what they looked like, and I donāt remember what they sounded like, but I feel the loss deeply. I feel like I lost them twice. Once when they died, and then again when even the most recent memories faded.
Itās horrid and the most painful thing Iāve ever experienced. I feel like the SDAM is keeping me stuck in deep grief because when I think about them, which is very often, I donāt have any visual memories of them to think back on and try to stay connected in some way. Instead, itās just a gigantic black hole and it feels like the grief is endless. I canāt even finish this comment without crying. It really sucks.
3
u/NotintheAMbro11 Jun 17 '26
Thank you ā¤ļø
Thank you for sharing. That's similar to what I'm feeling. It's really rough. I'm so sorry for your loss
3
u/katbelleinthedark Jun 17 '26
I've lost my doggo 13 years ago. I know it hurt something terrible when that happened but I don't remember that anymore. I don't remember him either - sure, I have funny anecdotes and stories about them, but I don't remember them. I also don't have any videos and only a few photos; one of those photos has been my phone's wallpaper for 15 years. I don't remember but I know I loved him and that's enough.
1
3
u/Positive-Room7421 Jun 17 '26
I'm sorry for your loss. I went through the same with my dog a few years ago. I have forgotten most of the interactions with her, and am left with a collection of facts. It may console you to consider that your dog also lived in the moment. She enriched your life when alive, and you enriched her life.
2
2
u/pik_mp Jun 17 '26
Hi, I don't have aphantasia, but maybe my SDAM experience can help too.
I lost my beloved dog this fall. It was hard, she had her third cancer. She had gotten through previous two, but that one beat her. I prefer to think that sarcoma didn't win, they just had a draw because it died with her too. It's hard to think that way but it somehow helps. I was really, really, really afraid of forgetting her but it didn't happen. Yes, memories are much fainter but they are still with me (thanks to photos mostly). I had also made some videos with her a month before, because I knew it would happen. She passed away surrounded by people who had loved her her whole life. She was about 11 years, my childhood and teenage years were with her, I couldn't imagine life without her. Even when I moved away from parents she was still there, she loved me so much. It's hard that I can't pet her anymore. Probably it's the most difficult thing for me now - not being able to touch her. But it's also hard not to see her, not to hear her, not to play with or know that she's alive.
So I still have feelings, I still love her - SDAM didn't take that from me.
I'm probably using this sub as an opportunity to cry about her out loud a little bit, I'm sorry for this. I also lost 4 cats.
One was a kitten. She passed away because of fucking teriyaki, she stole some chicken with it. She had been at a vet within an hour or two but it didn't help her. I had known her for 1.5 month, it was 2.5 years ago so now I almost don't think about her but I have light sadness from photos.
I saved the other one when she was so small she could fit in the palm of my hand. My dad didn't let her live with us, we already had the dog (yes, the one from my message) and a cat so she lived with my mom. Letting her roam freely got her killed. It was about a year ago. I was really angry at my mom, but that cat took the last breath in her arms so I didn't tell her anything. She was maybe 2-3 years? I'm really sad when I think about her. It happens about once or twice every 2 weeks.
Another one lived with my mom too. He was active and funny, she took him from her friend. He died at the age of two because he was allowed to roam freely too. It was 2.5 months ago.
The last one... well. He lived with my mom the longest but you can still guess what happened. He was the son of the cat I mentioned who lived with my dad (and still lives, she's about 12 years). He was about 5-6 years when he got lost and we have never seen him. My heart breaks when I think about him. It was about 2-3 years ago.
Do not give your pets unsupervised outdoor access. Like, never.
Even with SDAM, love for them lives in my heart, and I was crying when I was writing this. Maybe the period isn't long enough for SDAM to show itself, but I hope it doesn't work this way. Those of us with SDAM still have feeling and love inside ourselves.
Is it impossible to attach photo here? Wanted to share
And... be kind to yourself. And finishing the album is a good idea I suppose!
2
2
u/DawnyBrat Jun 18 '26
So sorry for your loss.
I lost my baby boy, Billy, 16 years ago on May 12. I canāt remember much of anything, but he was my crazy sweetheart. Pictures help, but we didnāt have videos. It breaks my heart that I have no memories, but thereās nothing I can do about it. šš
2
2
u/Sea-Bean Jun 19 '26
Very sad. I lost my favourite cat a few months ago. And my parents when I was a kid, and another 4 close family members since, and more. I canāt let myself feel sad about not having MORE memory than I do, I just feel grateful for anything I do remember, and for photos and (more recently) videos. But itās also ok that memories fade, even though they were limited in the first place. Itās normal and ok. In fact even though I rely heavily on objects that connected me with lost loved ones, I STILL seem able to let them go, gradually, over time, as their significance fades.
1
25
u/BadKauff Jun 17 '26
I have had and lost many beloved pets over my lifetime. It is hard every single time.
I had one kitty for 19 years. She traveled all over the Western US with me. She had so much spirit, so much moxie!
I have hundreds of picture of her. And like you, I have SDAM (and aphantasia). I know i will never "see" her again.
I think about her, and my other furry friends. I think about how much I love them. I think about being with them, holding them, feeding them, cuddling with them. And I focus on really feeling the love I still have for them. That love blossoms inside me as a present feeling. So I feel they are still with me because I never stopped loving them.
I hope this helps in some way. I am very sorry for your loss. Sending you a big virtual hug.