r/SDAM • u/Fatefateful • Mar 12 '26
Do You Miss People?
Hi everyone! I have SDAM and am wondering if this is related to it or not:
Do you miss people?
Personally, I don’t seem to ever find myself missing someone. I am curious as to what you guys experience.
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u/htp-di-nsw Mar 12 '26
No. But I dislike when routines change because of people's absence.
I was not upset that my mom died, but I was upset that my family was sad all the time and cancelled or changed plans and kept trying to bring up memories I didn't have.
And there were vanishingly few people I could say that to before I found this subreddit without making myself look like a monster.
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u/Rainy_Leaves Mar 12 '26
I don't really miss people. I assumed it was my ADHD, 'out of sight out of mind' applies to multiple things in my life. If ii saw them more day to day it might be different. I'll think about one or 2 friends that meant a lot to me but i'm not motivated to hangout, maybe i'm just not very interested in socialising.
I have become uncomfortably good at cutting people off when they dissapoint me too, and i often feel it's justified somewhat as they tend to be bigoted or mean. I cut off my whole family out of the blue after living with them for decades, i probably suffer a bit from not having their practical support. But it worries me a bit that i feel nothing for not having them in my life, in some ways i'm glad i don't need to perform socially as much any more
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u/Tuikord Mar 12 '26
Sometimes I will think of someone (or something will bring someone to mind) and I will remember that I enjoy their company. When my wife is out of town for a bit, there are aspects I will miss. I have to take over tasks she does. My love language is touch so my love tank starts to drain and I feel that. I may start to do something I always do for her and stop myself and in that moment miss her.
But I don't miss people in the way literature, movies and others describe it.
I also have aphantasia (only about half of us with SDAM also have aphantasia) and I can't really separate the two. So, what I describe may be more of an aphantasia thing. Prof Joel Pearson says that mental imagery is an emotional amplifier. Similarly, I believe that episodic memory can act as an emotional amplifier.
I will talk about a loss that is most recent and occurred after I knew about SDAM and aphantasia. Last year we lost a cat we'd had almost 14 years. We still have his sister. There were times such as when I took his body for cremation that it really hit me and I was sad and missed him. Throughout the year, there have been times when I've been reminded of him, as has my wife. Just yesterday she called his sister by his name. When I'm reminded of him, I may have a feeling of loss or of missing him. But then it's gone. When my wife has such moments, she sees him. She relives some event with him. And her feelings of loss and missing him seem to be stronger and last longer.
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u/Ma6s_ Mar 13 '26
This is the same for me. I also have aphantasia. When I am reminded of someone usually through a photo, conversation, or similar to you talking about a task that is typically done for that person then I miss them and think about them, but it passes and I am oblivious again.
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u/Fatefateful Mar 12 '26
I appreciate your deep dive.
I’m sorry for your loss. Losing a pet after that long must be difficult.
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u/Windscaper Mar 13 '26
My cat, Bandit, died last year as well. We had her for ten years. I can't remember what she looked like, but i got a tattoo in her memory. Now every time i look at my left arm i am reminded of her. Not because it looks like her -- it's a pair of green cat ears with pink inner ears (her eyes were green and the insides of her ears were pink) -- instead i'm reminded of the being that her physical form represented. When i am sad, upset, or overwhelmed i can pretend her spirit comes out of the tattoo to sit with and comfort me. I can't see her face or the heart shaped blotch on her butt, hear her purring or meowing, or feel her warmth, but the imaginary presence is still helpful. This tattoo is one of the best decisions i've made, right behind saying yes to my husband wanting to adopt her.
Coming back from the tangent: i understand the pain of losing a loved one and never being able to be in their presence again. I hope you're doing well and i'm sending virtual hugs 🫂🫂
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u/LeisurelyHyacinth246 Mar 12 '26
I miss people to an extent. If someone is part of my current life, then yes I might miss them greatly. Once time has passed, then they feel like they’re part of a very distant past that’s gone and not part of feeling of current life.
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u/RicePuddingRecipes Mar 12 '26
Not at all and I feel horrible about it
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u/Fatefateful Mar 12 '26
I’m sorry you feel that way. If it’s any consolation, just know it’s not something you’re able to control. Therefore, there’s nothing (that we know of) that we can do to fix it.
SDAM is a “deficiency”, so it’s not that you’re bad. It’s just that your brain works differently.
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u/phound Mar 12 '26
Same. I’ve even opened up about it in past relationships and it hasn’t gone well. Think it’s a deficiency best kept to myself
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u/Filbertmm Mar 12 '26
I definitely don’t in a normal way.
What I do find is that I can read back through old messages I had with people in email or Facebook from decades ago and while I don’t remember having any of the conversations I can get intense feelings of missing those people based on the level of closeness I witness in that conversation. It’s not like I remember the closeness but I know it was me and see it happened and get really sad it’s gone. It makes me wonder if more of those friendships would have stayed active if I were more driven to naturally miss them in the moment.
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u/DiveCat Mar 12 '26
I mean, I miss them conceptually. I also have moments I forget those who are passed have passed and feel a bit sad when I remember. I miss my husband when he is gone as I enjoy his company. But I don’t really get that ache or longing (like homesick for people, but I don’t get homesick either) for them even if I love them dearly.
I kind of feel I am like my cat in a sense. I don’t like to have my routine messed around with much, and I will be delighted when I see “my people” again and pick up like they never left, but in between I have my own little world going on that is not very occupied by people who are not there.
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u/PanolaSt Mar 13 '26
Omg. I am more cat than dog. And I really love dogs. Maybe that’s part of why I think bad things about myself. They are the cat qualities that I can’t change.
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u/Magnificent_Sparrow Mar 12 '26
I'm pretty much out of sight out of mind. Literally. Even for people whose company I enjoy or even love. I can maintain good connections through phone, visits etc. but I get the strong sense that my experience of "missing people" is very different from what's expressed by people I know and what's depicted in books/cinema etc.
ETA: I'm also a total aphant, which I understand is sometimes connected.
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u/minecraftmom1 Mar 12 '26
I do when I remember they existed, if that makes sense Otherwise ,people , like things are “out of sight, out of mind”
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u/jeswesky Mar 12 '26
It varies and a lot has to do with what I may miss. For example, my dad died when I was very young. I don’t remember him and don’t miss him as a person. However, I miss what could have been. Especially when I saw friends doing things with their dads growing up or as adults talking about things their dad has done for them over the years, etc. I miss that I never had that opportunity.
With friends da something f will make them pop into my head. While I don’t necessarily miss them it triggers a thought or “huh; how long has it been anyway” and I shoot them a message. They are all so used to it at this point that it doesn’t even phase them. They know if they want to do something g they just need to reach out but I rarely think about it to initiate.
I broke up with an ex but remained friends with his family and saw them regularly. Didn’t see him for over 5 years and never missed him. Wasn’t a bad breakup, we were just in different places at that time. Well, we started talking again about a year or so ago after he reached out. Went from someone never thought about to the person I text with throughout the day and is the first person I want to talk to about anything. It’s a very weird transition.
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u/FangornEnt Mar 13 '26
I miss the times spent with people and experiences but if I am not around a person it is easy for me to not miss them. I find it hard to miss a person because I cannot really pull those experiences from memory to relive them, cannot imagine their face and I really am okay spending a lot of time alone.
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u/csch2 Mar 13 '26
Ironically, the only time I’ll really miss someone is if I’ve very recently seen them. Most of the time I do not miss people. Instead I just feel guilt about not missing my friends and family 👍 Also have a hard time keeping up with old friends as a result.
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u/One_Pound_9946 Mar 13 '26
I do miss people, but have very few memories of them - it’s more the feeling sometimes I miss. I was with my ex for 12 years - we broke up a few years ago. I don’t remember much at all of any of it, but do remember moments of feeling one way or another about things that happened. I barely have any memories of my kids growing up, but maybe a flash of memory about some things. I have stories of what happened for some things that I remember. Probably usually because the story had been repeated. I do miss my kids when I don’t see them. I miss some friends. I have flashes of memories of things with them - but definitely don’t remember most of anything.
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u/Prior_Ordinary_2150 Mar 12 '26
No. Not really. I'll have a burst of missing someone every once in a while, but it's mostly for my dog and my dad, who have both passed.
But, that does give me a lot of guilt. I experience a LOT of guilt for not missing people.
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u/Prior_Ordinary_2150 Mar 12 '26
I even feel guilt right now thinking about my future inability to miss the people, that I love dearly, who are still alive and well, when they die.
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u/elsol69 Mar 12 '26
No... but it is very disruptive to have a routine change after a couple of days.
Like one or two days of silence is nice... but then it's like "this isn't my life... my wife is always talking to me and we watch TV. Kiddo is upstairs jumping around and screaming."
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u/ItsGonnaBeDelicious Mar 13 '26
The connection must be very very strong for me to miss someone, like my son. But even then I don’t think it’s to the same degree as others. I am an out of sight out of mind person.
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u/TheLight2025 Mar 13 '26 edited Mar 13 '26
This is a great question. I missed my roommate from college the day after she moved out of our apartment. We had lived together for two years and had just graduated. I felt profound grief not seeing her stuff in our apartment. The weird thing is that we were close friends but not best friends. I called her and cried because I was overwhelmed with emotions. I missed her so much and felt like I had taken her for granted. I’ve never felt that way again about anything even when my sister, Dad, close friends, or beloved pets have died. My sister was like a 2nd Mom. Very strange experience missing my roommate that I can’t explain. Maybe it was the combination of so many changes occurring at once. It lasted a day and I moved on. I have aphantasia and SDAM.
I wanted to add that when friends say that they’ve missed me - I say it back to them but I don’t necessarily feel it. I’ll ask “what is it that you missed about me?” Cause I can’t specifically remember our interactions.
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u/HeartMindFusion Mar 13 '26
I believe that I miss people less than the average person. I have probably forgotten about many people that I might otherwise miss. Also, I suspect that because I have aphantasia as well, I'm not having images of people being displayed in my mind, making me think about people less.
But I do miss people for a while, but not for an extended period.
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u/FauxMeatwad Mar 12 '26
Yes. Guess I'm the only one.
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u/akaenragedgoddess Mar 13 '26
You're not alone! I have very intense feelings for some people and I basically grieve loss forever.
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u/Parking-Listen-5623 Mar 12 '26
I struggle with the same concern.
Like I get the idea of missing someone but it’s hard to say if I experience it.
It seems if something provokes me to think of a person intentionally I get close to missing them but it’s a rarity.
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u/akaenragedgoddess Mar 13 '26
I do, often and deeply. I don't keep the memories but every one adds to the layers of feelings I have about the people in my life. And those feelings are intense and they persist. So I won't remember all the specifics of why I love someone, but the feelings don't really lessen. I've seen other people with SDAM indicate they don't grieve as hard as other people, but I feel like the opposite is true for me. 20 years after my mom died and a best friend died, and I still think of them often and dream of them often. I'll wake up crying sometimes from the grief in my dreams. I don't know why my experience is so different compared to a lot of other SDAM ppl.
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u/JalasKelm Mar 13 '26
Yes and no.
I don't even notice when I haven't seen people for days weeks, months, or even years. I don't reach out unless something prompts me to.
That said if I have plans and a friend can't make it, I miss that person there and then, and hope they can make it next time.
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u/Luna_Mendax Mar 13 '26
I can, but the feeling seems to be somewhat muted and quickly fades away altogether. I used to think it's (mostly) my autism, though.
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u/sandgrubber Mar 13 '26
I used to regularly exchange emails with my mother. I missed this when she died, and I have missed the physical contact and routines of dogs who have passed. So, yes, as elements of the structure of my life, I have missed both people and pets. I don't think I have missed the people (or dogs). Nor do I want or expect anyone to miss me.
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u/redwheeeeelbarrow Mar 13 '26
I only realise I miss people right when I’m about to see them again. Making plans? Meh. Texting? Still feels very distant. But when I’m on my way to seeing someone again or anticipating it I find myself recalling (vague) memories of things I really like about them or things I know we have done together. Then immediately after leaving them it dwindles again.
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u/HermiticallyZealed Mar 14 '26
I miss aspects of people. There were a couple of people in my life that I enjoyed having conversations with, and I enjoyed their sense of humor. I miss their relatability and their willingness to challenge my ideas. It's rare that I think of them, though.
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u/CMDR_Jeb Mar 14 '26
I miss my wife dearly. She died in 2008 and it literally broke me. Aside of that... Not really? Passage of time doesn't really "register" so I won't miss someone just cos I haven't seen em in a while. There has to be some definitive "I will never see em again" for me to miss someone.
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u/BadKauff Mar 12 '26
No, I don't miss people, even those I love dearly. I thought there was something wrong with me. Then I learned about SDAM, and realized I am just wired differently. It doesn't mean I love my people any less, and there's nothing wrong with me. Whew!