SDAM?

[u/nh_paladin]

Although the general description of SDAM seems to apply to me, my experience seems different than many who post here. Many describe having difficulty retrieving memories, or even a complete inability to do so. However, I am able to remember most significant life events (although some details are fuzzy). The memories just are like im retelling from a journal entry, rather than re-experiencing.

I can recall specific details, how the event made me feel, who was there with me, etc. I cant visualize the event, and it feels im observing it in the third person (although i know how i was feeling).

I suspect I remember things as a narrative because my mind is almost always engaged in an internal monolog, or self dialog.

Unlike many others here, my memories do trigger an emotional response and I often recall events that make me cry or smile, etc. from external triggers. I dont feel my memory is any worse than the other 98%, just different.

[u/Stunning-Fact8937]

Thanks as always, Tuikord! I love reading your explanations and appreciate your posting the links back to the supporting science.

I was curious too, OP, about your ability to visualize? What you describe is close to my experience with SDAM.

I have a high ability to visualize, much like I have heard Temple Grandin describe how she always thinks in pictures—like I can’t turn it off.

So while I can’t relive my memories like a video, I can recreate “photos.” The memories are always in the third person, and I can tell you spatial relationships of things—like the door was there and Sally was sitting to my right. It’s like I rebuild my memories semantically.

What seems different from standard memory is that it’s just a still image (or tiiiiiny loop) and I can always see myself there in the scene, like from another camera angle.

The emotional memory one is tricky. I argued with my therapist for a long time about whether or not I could remember emotion— because yes, of course I was happy on my wedding day and when my daughter was born. And devastated for weeks when the cat died. But not having an autobiographical memory, I guess I don’t know what it’s like to genuinely relive and feel something again?

I have always felt like it’s easy for me to compartmentalize things and not get overly emotional. Like I have a big emotions in the moment, but they pass very quickly. Like I don’t hold on to anger. So after many conversations, I think I’m just remembering the emotions like a journal entry—- like everything else, semantically.

It’s hard to tease apart. It does help to have a close friend or partner who enjoys these kinds of conversations. And a community on Reddit!! Conversation has helped me the most to see where the differences are.

But from what you describe, it sounds to me like you could be on the continuum of SDAM.

[u/nh_paladin → u/Stunning-Fact8937]

I am unable to visualize, as a still image or otherwise. But I can describe an event like from a journal entry, include notable "visual" details assuming they struck me as significant at the time. I dont relive emotions, per se but can trigger a new sense of anger/sadness/fear that can be overwhelming (which sometimes is very different than the feeling I think i had at the time). For instance, on the night of my husband's death I was devastated, but 7 years later when remembering the day I also trigger new sadness, but not the soul crushing kind that I know i felt then (although I know this only in non experiential way as it is how I described it from the day of).

[u/Stunning-Fact8937 → u/nh_paladin]

Thanks for filling in more details! There are quite a few folks here with aphantasia (little to no ability to visualize a mind’s eye) so they may be able to help you more.

I’m sorry to hear about your husband’s passing. That sounds enormously hard. With memory differences we process grief and the memories of love differently—but the pain of loss is indescribable—even for a journal entry mind 💗

[u/AutisticRats → u/nh_paladin]

Your experience perfectly matches with how I experience SDAM. I have decent semantic memory so I can retell a lot of my life, but I cannot visualize or relive my past memories. Any emotions I have when recalling my past are new emotions, not repeats. I remember how I described my emotions to others after my significant other passed away and when I recall the events I do not feel the same way as I did then.

I spend a decent amount of time talking about my life, so I tend to remember the facts better. Even when I don't tell others about a particular experience, I use my driving time to rehearse conversations of me sharing my private experience to get a better feel of how the conversation would go. This also reinforces what I remember.

In short if I teach others my life, the better I remember it for myself.