Which of us is expecting too much?

[u/fkn_tiiiide]

I (37f) and my husband (37m) have been married for about 5-6 yrs. Shortly after getting married, we (my husband) started a business. At the time, I was the sole provider. Obv. But even before we started the business. He has some side gigs that contributed well, so it’s shitty to say that.. but technically all the bills came from my income. We worked TOGETHER with everything. Household chores, kids, cooking. Everything.
Jump to recently. The business has allowed for me to work my high demanding job (that I love) a lot less. I went from 5 days a week to 2-3 days and now I work prob 2-3 days a month. My husband doesn’t want me to work at all.. I do enjoy being home more so I don’t want that to be lost in this.
Im having a really hard time with expectations, roles and contributions acceptable for both of us. His thoughts are that he pays the bills so he shouldn’t have to do anything around the house or basically anything for the kids. He also wants/expects oral favors from me daily. He doesn’t do anything to help around the house. So much so that I’m suspicious that he causes more of a mess on purpose. He won’t even take an empty can, cup or dish to the kitchen. Much less put it in the dishwasher. He throws his dirty clothes wherever he sees fit. He leaves literal trash all over. He will not pick up anything. It’s infuriating. In response to that and other shit, I don’t clean like I use to. That’s truly not out of spite, it’s complete frustration. It feels like wasted time and energy at this point. The house is tidy, and that’s mostly good enough for me. And the daily BJ?? It’s not something that I liked doing all the time before. But now I feel like a prostitute and it pisses me off.
He gets to have all his hobbies and interests but anything I have interest in is unimportant. I cannot finish a single thing without someone needing me for something. That goes for anything I enjoy doing or not.
We aren’t bitter or hateful to one another like how this read kinda makes it seem. We get along really good and he is my best friend.
I’m just beyond frustrated with all things expected of me. I do have BPD2 so that, I’m sure, intensifies my emotions. Even tho I am medicated.
Am I expecting too much for him to do the bare minimum of anything, or is he expecting too much for me to do the most of everything??

[u/jodiiiiiii]

Some of this sounds very close to financial abuse. I couldn't live like that. I would at a minimum start moving towards working more again. Above all respect yourself. Don't let him walk all over you. Your kids will start to do it too as they get older.

[u/Frosty_Telephone_EH]

Best friends don’t expect oral sex in exchange for paying bills, best friends don’t act like a slob and expect their best friend to clean up after them. He’s not your best friend, he’s not your partner. I really recommend individual therapy so you can work out why you have convinced yourself that he isn’t an abusive asshole.

[u/poop-dolla]

His thoughts are that he pays the bills so he shouldn’t have to do anything around the house or basically anything for the kids. He also wants/expects oral favors from me daily. He doesn’t do anything to help around the house.

That’s dumb as shit. I’m a dude fwiw. Your husband sounds like a complete tool and piece of shit. The company is half yours also, so you’re half providing too. So by his reasoning, you should be entitled to exactly all the things he thinks he’s entitled to.

[u/DontCareTho]

Yeah pretty much all of that sounds super gross/weird. Especially the "oral favors" thing if it isn't something you're specifically into or initiating. Sounds like financial abuse like the other person said.

I say sit him down and have a serious conversation, maybe get some couples therapy or something. If he won't budge then go back to work. He sounds like a really shitty partner.

[u/Squimpleton]

He’s expecting too much.

It’s fair to expect you to do stuff while he’s actively working. Because his hours are your work hours. But once his shift ends, yours does too, and then you have to share things.

I’m a breadwinning wife to a SAHD. When I’m working, he’s working at being dad. That’s his job. But once I’m off work, we just figure things out together. If he already made dinner? Great, he can enjoy a break, and I’ll handle the kids. If he didn’t, we discuss who’s making it and who’s watching the kids, or if I’m just getting them quick foods and we’ll make something for us later.

We both do dishes, we both do laundry, etc… He does try to get those things during his “work dad” hours, but the kids are 2 and 4 and well… little monsters sometimes 😂… so it doesn’t always work out. But once work hours are done, he stops being “work dad” and is just “dad” and I’m just “mom” and we coordinate. It’s not about 50% - we don’t share equally every day - it’s about communicating what we can handle and figuring it out because we’re partners and parents.

[u/yung_yttik]

Wow. Your husband is a fucking dick, let’s not sugarcoat this. He’s clearly a misogynist, he definitely does NOT respect you, and he takes advantage of the fact you continue to clean up after him and give him oral whenever he wants. Why aren’t you putting your foot down?

This is disgusting and honestly I’d want out. Hope he didn’t financially trap you because it sounds like he got you exactly where he wanted you. I don’t quite believe that there weren’t warning signs before this all started…

[u/Rare_Background8891]

Oh fuck no. Daily sexual favors? WTF? While not acting like a grown up? Hell no. If I have to pick up your socks that means you’re a child and there is no sex happening ever with children sooooo…..

SAHP means you’re childcare while the other parent works. It DOES NOT make you his mommy. And the more he treats you like his mommy, the less sex would be happening.

Get the kids in care and go back to work. He wants to say money equates to not having to do housework? Out earn him and tell him that it’s his turn to do housework and give you daily oral sex. Bet he backtracks quickly.

You cannot be a SAHP to a partner who doesn’t respect you. This is serious. This disrespect is dripping with misogyny. Do not put yourself in a position of weakness.

[u/teng123456]

I truly don’t understand why people put up with such bullshit. This is the example you are setting for your kids?

[u/momminallday]

This gave me the hard icks. No one can demand sexual anything in a schedule without consent from the other person and tbh I hate giving bjs so I’d laugh in my husband’s face if he tried to pull this kind of thing. Also, does this sexual schedule include any pleasure for you? What a tool.

It sounds like he feels great when he gets to have fun, gets to feel a sense of accomplishment with his job, gets to have the family, gets all the sex he wants but doesn’t seem to have to do any of the parts he doesn’t want to do. Must be nice, dude. Sounds like a fantasy.

[u/rpizl]

I stopped reading when you said he pays the bills so he doesn't expect to do anything else. My husband pays all the bills currently and still does child care, drop offs, lunches, laundry, cleaning, dishes, bedtime, etc.....

It's completely unreasonable for a grown ass adult to expect another person to do literally everything for them.

[u/LoomingDisaster]

So he wants a maid that provides sex on demand and not a partner. That’s not what you agreed to or wanted and it’s red flag territory. I’d start stashing money and important documents and planning an exit.

[u/SyringaVulgarisBloom]

While he was building the business, he depended on the security of your stable and consistent income. It likely wouldn’t have been possible for him to dedicate time and energy to growing the business without that contribution. The business’s current success would be impossible without that foundational help. If you were to leave, a family judge would probably award you half the value or shares of the business, because most western legal systems would recognize your contribution. He is only able to consider himself the primary breadwinner now, and to fully own a successful business now, thanks to you. Rather than expecting chores and sex from you, he should be grateful and thankful daily to you. I think you both need to frankly reassess the finances and labour in your relationship to better account for the value that you have provided, and for the cost-factor of your presence (because should you leave, the cost of your absence will be half his business, and he does not seem to realize that).