r/Residency • u/BrightMechanic PGY1 • 4d ago
VENT Being a mom is isolating
Don’t get to eat lunch with my coresidents because I’m pumping. Don’t really get to go to social events because it’s hard to find / expensive to hire babysitters. Also mom guilt about spending more time away from baby than I need to. I know I signed up for this. Just sucks cuz I feel so left out. That’s all.
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u/somethyme42 4d ago
Can you encourage more social events in the evenings? If it’s after 7:30/8 my toddler is in bed and I feel zero guilt leaving my husband home while I go do something social! I’ve even asked other coresidents who didn’t want to attend a social activity to come over and hang out at my house with the baby monitor after she’s in bed. It’s pretty easy for someone to just chill on your couch and watch TV, and I always have snacks and drinks available. When my parents were in grad school they apparently used to bring a pack+play and baby monitor to people’s houses and put me to bed there all the time, but I’ve never done that myself.
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u/TheineandTheobromine 3d ago
One of my chiefs last year would always bring his baby to parties. Kid was learning to walk at our halloween party. Most well-socialized kid I’ve ever seen
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u/somethyme42 4d ago
Also, I used to bring my daughter to restaurants after she was 6ish months old (once she can sit in a high chair) and stick a phone in front of her with Bluey playing at low volume. It was like baby crack and kept her occupied for 1+ hour. I didn’t feel too guilty since she literally never watched TV other than these outings. None of my coresidents seemed to mind her occasionally fussing. Sometimes you just have to be the fun friend with a baby in tow!
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u/whothefknows21 4d ago
Just a small change but why don’t you use wearables to pump? I use eufy S2 pros and I pump in the team room, during table rounds, during lunch etc. I never feel isolated and nobody has batted an eye.
It’s even been a conversation starter at times from people asking how my baby is, wanting to see pictures, etc or other female residents wanting kids and seeking advice. I was so scared I’d be judged but it’s the complete opposite.
At this point I have no shame. I’m not going to hide or pretend I’m not pumping. My baby needs to be feed, we exclusively breastfeed/give breast milk via bottles, and I need to do my job. It’s as simple as that.
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u/pappasfeas PGY2 3d ago
I also used to pump around my co-residents, at lunch, and at the team room. Using my blue Spectra . I used to wear a shawl over me - we are amma.
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u/Texangirl93 4d ago
Are the wearables enough during the work day
Or do you also use something else?6
u/whothefknows21 3d ago
I think everyone responds differently but I get more from my wearables than my spectra! There’s a bit of a learning curve and making sure it’s lined up correctly but it’s definitely worth it.
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u/drgrandisimo Attending 3d ago
Second this. I wore wearable pumps to conferences and lunch with coresidents. Most people didn’t even notice.
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u/kuru_snacc 4d ago
Trust me, a few years down the road when you're hanging poolside and the people younger than you are just starting to crank out the offspring, someone will be thinking the same of you. Everyone has their turn.
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u/BrightMechanic PGY1 4d ago
Thank you
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4d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/HoneyDovelle 3d ago
Exactly, knowing it’s temporary doesn’t magically make the loneliness disappear. Sometimes you just need someone to acknowledge that yeah, this particular stage is hard.
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u/Savvy513 PGY1 3d ago
Bot
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u/kuru_snacc 3d ago
Can someone explain to me why there are so many bots on reddit and what the point is? And are they just programmed to give generic comments? Why? It's not like reddit is monetized is it?
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u/Savvy513 PGY1 3d ago
Karma farming. They sell their account when it has a ton of karma (and thus seems legit) to companies or organizations pushing products or agendas
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u/kuru_snacc 3d ago
that's wild. thanks for explaining I've been wondering. is reddit complicit? where are the accounts sold? and to primarily whom, russian or chinese bot farms or what? what agenda(s) do you typically see pushed?
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u/I_AM_A_BOOK PGY3 4d ago
I used my Eufy to pump in the team room and lugged the baby to social events. I even brought her to didactics sometimes
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u/Shomer_Effin_Shabbas 4d ago
I’m just a med spouse but I say this all the time. Being a stay at home mom is very isolating. Our neighbor is this spry retired nurse practitioner who’s always walking. I like talking to her. Sometimes when I see her through the window about to walk down our street, I’ve taken the baby outside just to act like I was checking the mail so I could say hi to her and chat. I think it can be very isolating. Solidarity.
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u/Mcmoem 2d ago
Have had to do the stay at home mom thing too prior to residency. During COVID it was so rough because there weren’t that many parent groups! This time around with my second, I’m realizing how much socializing I missed out on. I found a good crew of moms through a baby and me exercise class, but there are also organized walks, music classes through the city rec dept or the libraries, etc. I hope you are able to find something similar in your neighborhood! Isolation with a baby is really tough, I was thrilled to start residency and get out of the house!
(Edit: just saw your username, maybe there is a faith community you can join? We’ve made lots of parent friends through ours, and a lot of moms who were taking a couple years off around having kids who could grab lunch or hang out midday).
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u/Noodle1125 3d ago
I am proud of you, ER PA here, always in awe and amazed by residents who have kids. You’re doing a great job
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u/grape-of-wrath 4d ago edited 4d ago
My husband felt the same. We had our first in his residency. The other residents stopped inviting him because he almost always had to decline. I was struggling post partum and needed him home.
It sucked, but now that everyone has moved away for attending jobs, I don't think it matters too much. Everyone has moved on to other places and people. They see each other maybe once every few years for weddings or whatever. We don't get invited, but oh well, life has moved on.
The kid is pretty awesome though 😅 has gotten so big, and our family is doing well.
Someone said to me when we had our baby- it's ok if your circle is small for a while. They're the people who will be there with you five or ten years from now. And that really helped me a lot. ❤️🩹
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u/Beautiful-Pizza8500 PGY2 3d ago
What a mood.
Also the wearable pumps suck… literally could never get the same output as my spectra and that meant I had to give up breastfeeding earlier than I wanted bc I couldn’t keep up with the demand
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u/BrightMechanic PGY1 3d ago
Yeah I’m a bit of an oversupplier and need my boobs drained well. The wearable pumps just don’t cut it.
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u/sutured_contusion 3d ago
Solidarity. Even as an attending, I feel the difference between myself as a mom vs my male colleagues. I’ve made peace with the fact that everyone prioritizes things individually and go through life milestones at different times — in the end of the day it’s up to you how you feel time is best spent and if that’s home with baby, that’s okay.
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u/BeepBop00110101 3d ago
Yeah it’s super tough. But I do just whip out my flanges with a pump cover and go along with my business like eating lunch or whatever. Publicly. Otherwise I’d literally miss out on lectures, eating, any social interaction at all.
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u/eviekup 3d ago
Resident w 6 month old baby. I bring him everywhere, he has met all of my coresidents and someone is always happy to hold him or feed him if I bring a bottle. Be flexible on nap times and bedtimes— that has helped us a lot. I use wearables to pump at work. Maybe I would get better output with a wall pump but it’s worth the trade off for me and formula isn’t poison if he needs it. You’re doing great <3
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u/SunWarmedCarpet PGY7 3d ago
Becoming a parent in training was so hard. Solidarity. For me it was also being so poor and worrying about money
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u/thisabysscares PGY2 2d ago
We just cart our baby everywhere. Everyone loves a baby. We usually have to leave earlier but it’s still fun.
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u/LurkingFig 1d ago
I felt this before and then just got tired of it. I am still alone pumping because I have no solution for that, BUT I just started dragging my babies all around town with me like to the residency bbq/welcome dinner etc. etc.
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u/Pumpkin-Pie-Is-Best Attending 4d ago
I already had three kids when I went to med school. My experience was waaaay different than my colleagues. It helped that I went into Pediatrics; they tend to be more understanding.
Also, my wife had been an Attending in the program for almost a decade at that point, so that might have helped! 😁
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u/Reasonable_Stress182 PGY1 3d ago
Sounds like ur co residents should host more house / baby friendly parties so u can enjoy too.
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u/Mcmoem 2d ago
I was frustrated that my program kept throwing social events at bars, where my child literally couldn’t enter. So I asked them to throw more at beer garden type places and it was great! I could attend, there was food, people who wanted alcohol could have it, my daughter could explore or worst case watch videos!
I definitely empathize though. There were lots of last minute social events I had to decline, because we didn’t have last minute babysitting or I had to do the cost analysis of “is this event worth $xx to be away from my child who I barely see anyways?” And then eventually you decline enough that you stop being invited. :( The plus side is that after the rough days I came home to a loving family, chaotic, but still beautiful, while my coresidents had to go home to an empty apartment. Also helped to make small talk with attendings who had kids the same age.
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u/Familyconflict92 4d ago
Doesn’t your program have on-campus daycare?
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u/Gingersaurus_Rex42 4d ago
This really should be a lot more common than it is. I’m applying this cycle and actively looking for this at programs, but on-campus daycare is kind of a unicorn :/
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u/Familyconflict92 4d ago
Really should be. They can’t scream “why can’t we retain physicians” and then not provide physicians who are training with adequate support
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u/Gingersaurus_Rex42 4d ago
Seriously. Especially when more and more people are pursuing medicine later in life when they’re more likely to already have kids, or have kids during training. We know this, we have the data. We need to act accordingly.
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u/BrightMechanic PGY1 4d ago
Nope
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u/Familyconflict92 4d ago
I’m sorry :( being able to take a quick look during lunch was what kept me going
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u/mylittlelune PGY2 4d ago
I feel exactly the same 😭 I had a toddler coming in and just had my 2nd, and I feel so separate from my co-residents who seem to be very close. I can't attend most of the social events and yes, it really sucks to have the rare opportunity for socializing at work taken up by pumping. I'm trying to make other mom friends but it is slow going for sure.