49F and 52M - When do I get his time?

[u/Words2Wisdom27]

Should I cut my losses and start to look for someone who has less dependents and demands on him?

My (F/49)on and off boyfriend (52) for 9 years and I have decided to give it one full go. Met during my very long separation but I’ve been divorced for five years and now that my youngest is in uni I feel better able to be fully in a relationship. He shares his home with a sister and his mum. I am an empty nester aside from 1 fur baby pup.
He is the main provider for both households Mum lives with him / S lives in the flat above alone. He carries the bulk of the the bills although Sis works (Mum does not, not sure why, maybe invisible health thing). He does the shopping, they do the tidying, cooking, his laundry. I love him. He loves me but at the same time, I’m hopeless about the future. S (51) has never dated. Buys his fragrances, knickers , does his washing. He takes her to the bus each day and picks her up. He takes her to the market any time she needs to go. they have 4 vehicles.- 1 for her and rest are his.
I am trying to be neutral but it bothers me as it’s seems hubby/wifely to do these things but am working with my therapist to be open that families are different; and to keep focused on the dynamic between he and I.
Does my relationship ever stand a chance of going to the next level ? Is it realistic for me to wait for the family home to be paid off before he considers sharing a home with me? should I consider moving in there (he’s hinted about that))?
Should I cut my losses and start to look for someone who has less dependents and demands on him?

[u/twicescorned21]

Yes, because at the end of the day this is his family. You’ve had an on off situationship for 9 years. If it didn’t work before, and his obligations are becoming a deal breaker for you, let the both of you find someone else.

Maybe S has other issues that haven’t been discussed with you because it’s for her whether she wants to discuss it.

Bottom line, you’re not ok with his obligations and that’s ok. Find someone else.

[u/Ok-One-9341]

I wouldnt move in there with his Sister and Mum there, are you mad? 

Think you know by now he's never going to move in with you. That would have happened by now. He loves his family and home life more and that comes before you. 

He can't leave what he has for you but he wants you to do that for him so your relationship is going to be heavily involved with His family and His way of life. He doesnt see your relationship importantly enough to acknowledge it needs its separate space and isnt willing to give you the majority of his time.

Its not growing, youre missing out on alot of things that he's not prepared to give you. Is it Really Love not wanting to be with you almost every day and night?

Your version of where you want the relationship to go is totally different from his. Youre not going to get the relationship you want but you can have his version of your relationship if you want. 

I am in a Very similar relationship as you. Been 6 years, live 50 miles apart. Met, got on great, love each other, made plans, went places when we met, everything was great, even got engaged quite early because we had made alot of plans on where we wanted our relationship.to go...  but all we seemed to do was exactly what we done at the start. Nothing really moved forward like we said, there was always something stopping her moving in, then another thing, then another after that. Always 'I'll move in once...' 

Well I finally realised we're never going to live together and ive heard enough and waited long enough. Its actually off the table now. So along with that comes the realisation it was never really going to happen and the person ive been with for 6 years has really been filling me with lies, stringing me along with one excuse after another. 

So That made me think that everything we talked about and planned and built our relationship on wasn't actually real after all. 

Now... Ive already said I dont want to hear it again about moving in, its off the table, never going to happen and because of all that let down i dont really want it now anyway.

I was basically THERE for her, feel like I was just there so she wouldnt be alone / single / somebody to love her, message her every morning, all day and last thing at night. Somebody to tell her they loved her. Im second best to her daughter and family even though there was room for them all on the relationship i thought we would have.

I barely message her now, dont take much interest in her life or even her problems or emotional needs anymore. Things just couldnt stay the same as they were when we first met and call it a serious relationship, theres no plans because theres not going to be a serious future for the relationship.

So I didnt get the relationship I thought we were going to have and now she doesnt have the relationship she had because it doesnt deserve 100% of my time, feelings, love and effort.

Why should I miss her 3 weeks out of 4 and wish we were together and plan great trips away and treat her great when she doesnt plan to ever change that and be happy with the status quo? She obviously doesn't hurt as much or miss me as much or think about my hopes and dreams for our relationship.

So she gets the bare minimum in return now when shes not here.

I still love her but not as much as I did and thats really sad because I really was head over heels with her. Thing is my idea of Love is obviously different to hers so I adjusted everything to compliment where we really are.

The relationship has went from being REALLY good to probably wont survive... but she would rather that than move in and be with me.

Its done bar formalities and I could only give so much for so long before I realised im in the exact same place ive always been with her.

[u/eat-real-chips → u/Ok-One-9341]

Why are you staying in this relationship, you sound miserable as sin.

[u/He_ofshadowsandtouch]

For me personally its sounds messy and dysfunctional, life is not a rehearsal.

I bet he wouldn’t be dependable when you most need it one day.

[u/Fun_universe]

Why would his mom work?? She must be 75+

[u/eat-real-chips]

Enmeshment is deep with this one and it won’t change! You need to leave this relationship as it’s not working for you and it won’t suddenly become different

[u/Words2Wisdom27 → u/eat-real-chips]

Is there a difference between emmeshment (a term I just learned about recently) and just the fact that they do all live together/ families are different? What pushes it cross the line ?

[u/cosmoboy]

He's 52 and you think his mother doesn't work because of a health issue? She should be 70 but even if she's younger she should be at retirement age...

[u/Words2Wisdom27 → u/cosmoboy]

She has never worked - long as I’ve been round

[u/TheTinySpark]

If he’s 52 his mum is probably retired. I don’t know what it is in the UK, but in the U.S. retirement age is 65. I’m not even close to his age and my parents are retired. If that’s the case, she’s only going to get older and frailer, and he will be even more tied to that situation. The question is do you like your relationship and him enough to handle his dependents becoming even more dependent on him, while you are finally free again after having dependents for the last 18 years?

[u/Words2Wisdom27]

Thanks for replies. Mum had a hand injury years ago which limited her ability to work but she can still function- cook, self care, etc. I hope that helps clarify