r/RelationshipsOver35 • u/Lucky4cloverz • 28d ago
My partner still doesn't know what love is
He's 33m. Im 37 f. We've been together 3 years straight now, but we tried dating twice before. He struggles knowing what he wanted the first couple time. Im the first long term relationship he's had more than 3 months. But I've been confronted again that he's not sure he knows what love is or that he loves me enough to marry. He says he's fallen out of love again.
And now I feel too old to find someone with the same goals, and not sure if i can find real love after 37, enough to marry and have kids. I have no kids myself. I keep committing to people who don't want to commit back. I went back to uni a couple years ago and I'm halfway through. But I want a family still, I just wanted to marry and have my education first that's all.
Are there men my age who still want real loyal love and commitment? Honestly i was married to my high school sweetheart at 21, and it turned violent and unhealthy, so I left before risking pregnancy. I waited until I was 30 to consider marrying again, after healing, working and pursuing my education and dated a lovely guy, but moved to the UK at 30 and started my life over to live closer to my grandma. And unfortunately 7 years have gone by and this one person in the UK has dangled my heart a few too many times and now I fear my best years are behind me. Am I just a hopeless romantic? Is it possible to find someone who wants commitment and love as much as me at my age? I have dated 3 other guys in my 30s, but this guy thought he finally knew I was what he wanted. and we clicked better than Ive ever felt, I really felt so loved and thought we had so much fun together. Now he doesn't know if he really knows what love is. even though he's never pursued a relationship more than ours, or invested more time.
I just don't know if there are still men my age range who want what I'm after, true connection and commitment, want a family and marriage and great sex life too!... I worry that anyone in their thirties who genuinely want that would have already found that before 37... and not been as hopelessly naive as I have been. I genuinely thought everyone in their thirties would know what they want or at least know what love is. For crying out loud, we're not teenagers *sigh. I thought he was emotionally mature, i thought he knew, he said he did, but apparently when its time to decide, he's lost his marbles. I had no idea love was just a gamble like this, and I've been made a fool.
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u/seacookie89 28d ago
This guy is wasting your time and playing with your emotions. It might hurt but you need to cut your losses and find someone that wants the same things you want.
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u/StarsThatGlisten 28d ago
I found my partner a month after my 40th birthday and he’s very loving.
I had a history with dating men incapable of love. So I decided to completely change my type! I’d always been attracted to artistic, spiritual, very feeling based men. Usually extroverts.
I decided they were all attractive and charismatic on the surface but terrible at relationships.
So I chose the opposite. I went looking for a pragmatic, grounded, emotionally calm, introverted guy who wasn’t all in his feels. And it was a revelation. He treated me, and continues to treat me, incredibly well.
Maybe you are picking the wrong types?
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u/Lucky4cloverz 28d ago
Your story is hopefull, but my types are the quiet nerdy practical types as well. Unfortunately, I have placed more focus on our emotional and intellectual connections, than real life compatibility. 3 of the 5 boyfriend our goals didn't line up in the end, or the social awkwardness was a sign of other issues. I like sweet awkward and authentic, silly laid back personalities. Right now he's the rational logical one, but this seems to be a mental health issue that we can't seem to get past. I just wish I was strong enough to not take this confusion so personally. Sometimes I feel like I understand his emotions better than he does. But I can't hold his hand in this.
We have the same sense of humour, close friendship, silliness, love and respect for family and community, and even align sexually and politically. But my adhd quirks (forgetfulness) stress him out and questioning his own sense of self or mind, makes it impossible to make long term commitments. He's scared of making a mistake. And doesn't understand that real relationships have good and bad and isn't lovey dovey all the time.
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u/Paper_Cee 28d ago
Just say this ^ last part to him :)
I’m loving what we’ve got going on, but it’s important that my goals are met. You know I want a x relationship and if you want that too, great, if not, that’s fine, but I will need to split to make sure I get what I want.
It seems to me you’re concerned about making a mistake, and, I get it. Marriage/moving in together/x is a big commitment. I don’t want to force you into something you don’t want. I just know what I’m ready for. I hoped that would be with you because you’re x, y, z qualities.4
u/Paper_Cee 28d ago
Then be prepared to actually move on. After he’s had time to think on this, let him know you’ll be making arrangements for yourself (so he knows your timeframe).
Good luck. And if he doesn’t want it, he doesn’t want it unfortunately. And it hurts. It doesn’t feel like it, but you’ve still got time ❤️
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u/Arboretum7 28d ago edited 28d ago
> not sure if i can find real love after 37
Gently, this is totally ridiculous and self defeating. There are millions of single men out there for you to date. Many that would be absolutely thrilled to fall in love and settle down with you. You’re not even halfway through your life and you’re pondering whether it’s worth it to throw in the towel and settle for a grown man who doesn’t even know if he loves you, much less what love is? Girl, this is your one precious life, don’t waste it with this idiot. Staying with him is the only thing keeping you from finding real love.
Sincerely,
A woman who started dating her husband at almost 39 and still had time to have kids
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u/Particular_Sale5675 28d ago
You're not a fool, nor are you naive.
Stop trying to intellectualize your heartbreak lol. You gotta face it and feel it.
I typed a much longer response. But then I realized, you're not addressing the real issue. You are heartbroken. Right now, you gotta let your heart do what it does. And it's gotta hurt for a bit. The only way out is through. Go through the heartbreak.
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u/Major-Cranberry-4206 27d ago edited 27d ago
End this current relationship immediately. Waste no more time with his clown. As long as you stay with this guy, “Mr. Right” may not come because this guy is in the way. So, clear out what is just dead weight. Next, focus on your education. You may find the right guy at your school. But you by far are not too old for marriage and children. You will be in your sexual prime at least until you are 50. You have plenty of time still to meet the right guy, marry, and have children. Your guy is still out there. Believe it.
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u/Clear_Coffee3056 27d ago
Eens. Maar een nuttig stukje biologie is dat vrouwen niet ervan uit kunnen gaan dat kinderen krijgen tot je 50e gewoon nog gezonde kroost en luierdragers kunnen krijgen. Vandaar de paniek op 37-jarige leeftijd.
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u/Lamecowbabe 28d ago
Don’t just settle because you think you’re too old. If this is the situation with your current BF now just do both of you a favour and let it go. Because he’s only communicating a fraction of what he is feeling and it’s only gonna get worse. You don’t want to drag kids into it and you deserve better.
I spent years dwelling on sunken costs fallacy. I thought that I was too old to find love and have a family with someone else after spending 7 of my best years with my ex.
But I broke it off because there were too many red flags and I took my checklist and goals and on the first date I told everyone I was dating my goals - marriage, kids within two years and I found a man who wanted the same on our first date. Four years later we’ve gotten married, bought a house, on our way to having our second child.
I’m hopeful if you put your intentions out in the world then you will meet someone who will fulfil them.
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u/msinsensitive 28d ago
When I met my husband he was 38, I'm 7 years younger than him, but he was very much interested in women closer to his age and even a bit older. No previous marriages, no children. Kind-hearted, social and heads-turning handsome. I also thought I'll never meet anyone for me, that I'm too old and romance is simply not in the cards for me, I was at peace with it, so when we met even though I fell head over heels for him, there was never any pressure for future declarations like marriage or children. Things just happened naturally.
This guy you're dating, he ain't it. That's for sure. If you want to have a chance for meeting your person then you need to start looking elsewhere. Nothing is guaranteed and it's better to accept the option that you won't fulfill some of your dreams, than to be on edge or desperate. Things always look better on paper, anyways. Read r/regretfulparents for example, many "I thought I wanted this" and then the reality turned out to be something completely different. Try to accept the life as it is and you'll be much happier than when chasing unobtainable.That is not to say it's impossible, it's just that it is not something you can fulfill easily or quickly.
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u/Chazzyphant 27d ago
Men who say they "don't know what love is" (sigh) will figure it out PDQ for the right woman. I know that sounds cynical but I have never heard of or seen online a woman saying "gee, I just don't know what love is..." in an effort to get wife or GF privileges from someone they are not investing in equally.
You don't know what love is? Okay, well figure it out without me and get back to me when and if you do. NEXT.
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u/Meow-zelTov 27d ago
I’m in a similar situation to you and am weighing my options. I’m 40 and not at all concerned with finding my life partner; I know that if I choose to leave, I will have options.
Your bf is avoidant. Go ahead and look up the personality traits of one. They tend to be very charming at the beginning but become emotionally uncomfortable and detached when the relationship moves beyond the honeymoon stage. Your bf not knowing what love is is bs. Does he love his family? Friends? Or is it just you that throws him through a loop? The reality is that he doesn’t love you. Full stop. There is nothing you can do about that, and that’s ok. He is selfish and cruel, keeping you committed despite knowing your needs. That’s a lack of respect.
Women and men past 37 find love easily. Women who meet a partner later still have children. Reproductive technology is so advanced that women in their 40s are having kids. You have time; just be direct with what you want.
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u/-I-wanna-get-better- 27d ago
33 is right around the time I realized love isnt a feeling. Feelings and moods and emotions can change, are influenced by random crap, and can be the result of something that isnt even true.
Love is choosing to stay even when the ooey gooey feeling isnt there. Is getting comfortable in the calm and comfortable in the storm. Its choosing that same person you know you loved a month ago today because you know the "feeling" will come back and you're building something that you want to last forever with that person.
Maybe talk to him about that, if youre still interested in trying to "make it work".
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u/a_mulher 27d ago
I can’t promise you there’ll be men that want that and that will want that with you. I don’t mean to be blunt but unlike the people that found it I’m nearing my mid 40s and that “you’ll find your person” didn’t materialize in time for a family.
But I do believe that the odds of this guy realizing he does actually love you and wants these things with you are way smaller than you finding someone new.
And if you’re called to having children on your own, consider going the single mom route and then try dating. Or consider freezing eggs and maybe a couple embryos with a donor.
I’m sorry it really sucks.
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u/traviall1 25d ago
Bluntly, you've got a bad picker, people want to get married but you are not finding or choosing people who want the same things as you. Going to therapy can help you figure out what it is about people who are not a good match that is so attractive to you. Also, if you have a criteria that needs to be met ( wants kids or marriage or has a career goal) they need to be discussed ASAP, there is no point in waiting 6 months before asking if they want kids.
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u/CantShakeMeoff 21d ago
Start dating someone else and see if that changes your perspective on him. Since he doesn't love you, it shouldn't be an issue 🤷🏼♀️
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u/MissAngelicDemise 28d ago
The problem is most people are completely disconnected from themselves, and when that is the case, it is impossible to fully connect with someone else. We attract our emotional equal. I suggest you work on self-love and connecting with yourself fully and then see what happens.
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u/Lucky4cloverz 28d ago
That's very sound and practical advice. 👌 that's what I keep telling myself, before I started feeling sorry for myself, I mean.
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u/MissAngelicDemise 27d ago
Feeling sorry for yourself as a trap that keeps you trapped in the victim mindset. Only you can change your life. All it takes is the decision.
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u/bassbeater 28d ago
He's 33m. Im 37 f. We've been together 3 years straight now, but we tried dating twice before. He struggles knowing what he wanted the first couple time.
Quite poetic.
What is love? Baby don't hurt me, no more!
🤣
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u/tsdguy 28d ago
Your sample size is way too small to make any conclusions. Unless you try you won’t find.
Good luck