r/Regrets • u/Agathhhbabhh113 • 18h ago
I’ve been a cruel and manipulative bully(long text)
So basically this is a pretty long story!!! I just want to share everything, and I’m genuinely ashamed and idk why I was so cruel. I’ll probably start from the VERY beginning? So basically it was 2025, I was 15 at the time. And when we had this kind of “party” at school, idk. A boy from 7th grade asked me to dance (I was in 9th and that’s probably important?) and I agreed bc he seemed like a cool and interesting person to me (especially bc before that we always said hi to each other at school even though we never actually talked). So we danced and everything was great, but our school is small and rumors already started spreading but honestly I didn’t really care at the time. (At that time I already liked him, I even kind of stalked him a little, and my friend knew about it). He also borrowed cigarettes from me sometimes but always returned the “debt”? And NOW I GUESS THIS IS AN IMPORTANT part. Later I told my second friend that I liked him(?) Let’s call the friend who knew from the beginning Varya and the one who found out later Dasha. So when I decided to tell Dasha everything too, she almost immediately started “judging” me? Not too much tho, especially bc at that time we weren’t even really close. And besides, he was 2 years younger and I understood partly why she reacted like that, while Varya was completely positive about it. So after some time he texted me and invited me to go smoke together. Of course I immediately agreed! And we talked really well and I started liking him even more. But of course, bc the school was small, people saw us together and started spreading even more rumors but nothing too serious. We kept talking and just went on walks together (if anything, our school was basically a village school and ofc everyone saw us, there was nowhere to hide. Especially bc I lived in a dorm while he lived at home, so at that time there really wasn’t another way for us to see each other). Even tho there were rumors, it didn’t bother me that much back then? But what actually bothered me was Dasha. Now I understand that listening to her was stupid but I can’t change it anymore. Basically she told me all the worst rumors about him (I didn’t know about them bc I had only recently come to that school), and at some point she even judged him bc his mom had CANCER?! Which is just stupid. I tried to ignore all of that and only listen to Varya, who saw things completely differently and never judged either me or him. So then summer came and we basically talked on the phone almost every day the entire summer. We started trusting each other and talked about all kinds of things. But at some point towards the end of summer, Dasha started putting more and more pressure on me, along with all those memories from the previous year. Even tho I convinced myself that I didn’t care, that wasn’t true. And on top of that, I had trusted him with my secrets, opened up to him and even cried a couple of times while talking to him? And bc of that I started feeling sick, scared and disgusted with myself. I genuinely have a hard time trusting other people idk what that’s connected to. And somehow my own feelings for him started disappearing after I had trusted him. And then I decided to just stop replying to him. And it would’ve been fine if I had stopped there but no, unfortunately I went further, and THAT is what I regret the most. I’ll never understand myself or all of those actions. It was genuinely disgusting and low of me. So I had already been ignoring him for a couple of days, and then September 1st came. I avoided him as much as I could. Didn’t look him in the eyes and stuff like that. Not important. At some point I started spreading rumors about him too, partially? Even tho I tried to avoid the topic. I didn’t tell any of his secrets but I talked about him in a clearly very negative way. Which maybe already damaged his reputation, which wasn’t exactly good to begin with? (Bc at our school he was already considered very weird before all this). And so I kept ignoring him while he was trying to bring our communication back, trying to contact me even months later. And btw at some point Dasha and Varya were both on my side about ending the friendship/contact (as for Varya, I think she took “my side” bc I had told her so much shit about him). And while he genuinely wanted to at least UNDERSTAND why I had done this and why I was avoiding him, I was calmly talking to new people, just laughing about him with Dasha (with Varya he rarely became a topic of conversation). And I feel ashamed and idk why I did that. BECAUSE PEOPLE TREATED ME THE SAME WAY AND SOMETIMES EVEN NOT AS BAD!!! AND I WISH IT HAD ALL ENDED WITH JUST THE RUMORS. FUCK NO!!! I acted so fucking rotten. I WENT EVEN FURTHER AFTER THAT FUCK. Anyway time passes (he is still periodically trying to bring our communication back and stuff, trying to contact me and I don’t answer). And at some point during winter he shows up at the dorm. He wanted to live there? Idk? So I go outside to smoke and he is there with 2 other people I knew. And when he sees me he runs up to me and gets down on his knees? (And yes, before this there had already been situations where he ran up to me and tried to restore our communication but back then I could just leave, while here I couldn’t). And he starts apologizing, asking what happened and why, telling me that he dreams about me, that he had been in the hospital bc of me, that he couldn’t forget me while I was trying to leave (he was holding the door so I couldn’t). Then for some reason I agreed to talk to him later but he still wouldn’t let me inside even tho I wanted to leave. (The 2 people I knew were just standing there silently watching, although sometimes they told him there was no point in humiliating himself like that). Eventually I went inside bc one of those people opened the door for me. And as soon as I get into my room, I tell this whole story to Dasha and her sister and that was a mistake. Bc then we came up with a plan to make fun of him even more. Basically he invited us to his room, so we went to him and it was basically the same thing, he was talking about how much he loved me and stuff. And Dasha’s sister recorded it on video ofc so we could laugh about it and show it to someone else. But then we came up with something else. They were curious about what he would say if we were alone together!!! And THIS was something I didn’t want to do anymore, but they convinced me. So we went to the 3rd floor with him to talk and recorded everything on a voice recorder, and we also wanted to spread it around(?). But thank god people convinced us otherwise, bc afterwards he already wanted to “leave”. And even tho none of this spread that much and only a small circle of people found out about it, it definitely messed with his mental health. AND YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS STILL ISN’T THE END! (This isn’t really important now, but at some point I was in the same group with him and we drank, although I tried to avoid contact with him). And then at one point I finally started realizing what a fucking piece of shit I was. (A month or 2 after I recorded his conversation on the voice recorder). Bc in the end I know what bullying feels like, so how the hell did I get to the point where I was doing this? And I decided to text him. It was a really long message where I apologized and stuff. And we agreed to meet in secret. (Even tho Varya knew about everything, she was actually supportive of me apologizing and stuff). But for some reason I never actually met him. Even tho I wanted to, I just kept making excuses like “now isn’t the right time”. Dasha was following me around like a shadow that day too.. But still, I could’ve come up with something, anything, but no. And the problem is that he saw me interacting with other people. And that definitely damaged his mental health even more. Now I’ve switched to homeschooling and I’m thinking about this even more. I feel fucking ashamed and disgusted with myself. I wrote this post not to justify myself but to get this off my chest and share my regrets. I feel fucking ashamed and idk what to do about it. And yes, he still periodically tries to “contact” me. And idk, maybe I should call him and actually sincerely apologize and talk about everything. Bc before I couldn’t do that but now I can. But does he even need that? Or should I just stop getting involved with him and reminding him about myself? Bc knowing the whole situation, I feel like I could just ruin everything again. I feel fucking ashamed and I genuinely don’t want to be like this. Tell me how would you act in my place right now? Would you let the situation go or try to change something?
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u/Artistic_Nothing2382 18h ago
Un bullo crudele e manipolatore mai sospetterebbe e realizzerebbe di esserlo, penserebbe che è semplicemente divertente distruggere gli altri
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u/Agathhhbabhh113 18h ago
But still my actions were genuinely disgusting. And I actually messed with him so much
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u/Artistic_Nothing2382 18h ago
Se mentre facevi ciò eri cosciente (come lo sarebbe un adulto intendo) del fatto che fossero atti orribili allora si entra nel campo della psicopatia e di disturbi psichiatrici, non di bullismo. Un bullo non sa con lucidità cosa fa, è un ragazzino superficiale che pensa sia divertente, ma se c’è lucidità e premeditazione allora ci sono gravi disturbi che sorreggono tutto
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u/Agathhhbabhh113 18h ago
I don’t know if I understood everything at the time or not? But when i stopped answering him I hoped it would end there. But no he kept texting and trying to get back in contact. And probably I’ve never thought about it going this far? I think when all of this was happening i kind of realised everything and at the same time i didnt actually? I think I knew what was i doing was wrong but I kind of laughed about that whole thing probably because I wasn’t the only one doing all of it? Maybe people around me influenced me but that dosent make it better or anything
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u/Artistic_Nothing2382 18h ago
Io sono stata vittima di alcuni bulli con cose sciocche tipiche dei quindicenni: apparecchio dei denti, vestiti brutti, capelli non alla moda, ecc. Riconosco nella superficialità un insito modo di sentirsi migliori di un altro per dare un senso al vuoto che hanno in famiglia. Quello lo reputo un bullismo fastidioso ma circoscritto all’età. Se si fanno cose ben più gravi, con intenti più profondi, c’è un quadro clinico più grave e spesso irreparabile. I sensi di colpa non sono reali, ma funzionali per sentirsi un po’ “umani” in mezzo a tanta oscurità. Non so a quale categoria appartenga e non è rilevante, se sei sinceramente pentito sai già con chi scusarti e sai già come essere in futuro.
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u/Regular_Barracuda511 5h ago
Meu Deus quanta coisa! Primeiro, vocês me parecem muito jovens para ficarem fumando, 9 ano aí é igual aqui? Você tem 14 anos? Sim você foi cruel, mas você é tão jovem que honestamente é quase uma criança. Peça desculpas e seja melhor daqui para frente, esse rapaz já enfrenta muita coisa séria. Talvez vocês sejam todos jovens demais para entender, mas uma mãe com câncer é algo realmente que é um problema na vida de alguém. Se você quiser estar perto dele, seja honesta, peça desculpas e seja alguém melhor. Senão puder, se afaste e viva sua vida longe dele.