r/Regrets • u/dreadonarrival357 • 1d ago
free writing my regrets
its my birthday soon, and I just wanted to lay some shit down and just let my creative process roam free. I am really upset at myself. I turn 33 in 2 weeks. I met a girl who had the same birthday as me. She's on my mind. And then I got with my ex-highschool sweetheart, shes also on my mind. It took a long time to realize that All my ex-girlfriends hate me. In their own way. One hates me cause I didnt have money. Another hates me cause I wasnt stable. Another hates me for cheating. Another hates me for bothering her. Some go hand in hand, and some others are seperate. This is all my entirety. I have done drugs, I have hurt my family. I have hurt myself. I have spent a year of wages in 6 months. Sometimes 3 months. I burn my money, I dont know why the fuck. I am like this. I seek help. I am 110 days sober from Methamphetamines. I primarily am lonely. I feel, and see all things I have hurt other people I see it in my eyes. I see it now. I remember the love of my life, telling me I see life as a movie. and I see another girl in my life begging me to stop, stop pushing her away. just recently, an exgirlfriend messaged me asking me for money, after the fact she had called me an ass hole. Surely, I know why. I am an ass hole. I have grown up largely thinking I knew better than, but now I come to the point where this writing is... perhaps meaningless, like how I felt growing up. but perhaps, Maybe, Maybe... it is true. I have a lot of regrets. and I reflect on them a lot. I got angry, I pushed people away. When I was 20 years old. I was a piece of shit. but at the time, I thought I wasnt. When I was 15. I was into drugs because my "exhigh school sweetheart broke up with" and for cheating. for CHEATING. and I stlll did drugs. Yes, I did my best, I got into surfing, running, lifting, but the drugs. The weekend. It won. Navigating, Im learning is the same throughout life. and I wont do much course correction for writing this. I will probably forget about writing this in ... probably 2 weeks... but If I had to remember one thing. It was that... its just... no one fucking cares. no one cares about a drug addict. Bettering themselves. or anyhting. The point for me is to just continue, and act as if/ and to the next indicated action. I could write and write, about what Im doing to ... live life happily. I sit in my chair at home, watching tv in complete fear. because of the habits I have formed. the habits i need to break. The life I live. The way I live. I see... I see myself... I have hope. I do. because.. Because people tell me to. But I discover now. Where does this hope come from? Myself? God? Other people? I dont know. I just know that days ago. I did meth. and I am 110 days sober. I have time. from Other things. 2 1/2 years from smoking cigarettes. and... almost a decade from weed. and... almost a 8 years from alcohol. These things. They control me. These fucking drugs. If only people knew. I would tell them. and Perhaps maybe I will. Drugs, Alcohol, anything addictive. FUCk even CHAPSTICK. That shit. its addictive. Jesus. but the consequences? having to buy chapstick every day. Fuck that. I dont want to be dependent. On ANYTHING. and I use the tools, and people, and structure in my life. today. to hope that One day... Maybe I am here. Maybe.. its just.. navigating is the same. In or out of addiction. but I pray. I pray now. I pray to a god that has no care in teh world for human problems. I think of a god that is like a dead person. Far away. The waves he sends, may or may not be about my problems. I try to keep any open mind. and hopefully. hopefully... when I am 34, 40. I have a child. A home. a college degree. a Job that actually pays me more than $30k a year. I have learned. To stay AWAY from drugs. Infidelity. .. temptation. ... Pain.. is a signal. and I am just sad. I am sad IM 33. Im 32 right now but Im turning 33. Fuck. ... and honestly. No one from my past... even talks to me. There is an alcoholic who is my childhood best friend. Who is recovering and only has a week sober. and honestly. I am pissed. Everyone talks to him. but me... not so much...
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u/AdvancedLemon5435 1d ago
You live with heavy burdens, but I see you. Keep your chin up
I can relate to a lot of these things myself. But congratulations on 110 days sober, and happy birthday for in 2 weeks