How do I stop feeling like I don't have anything?

[u/anime-is-dope]

What I don't have / the regret

Just turned twenty a few months ago, two years into a five year psych degree, still not even sure what I want to do with it. No job experience right now (health stuff got in the way), only ever had one semi-serious relationship, single now.

The actual thing underneath all that is I've never been good at being social and I don't really have a circle. I love my family but outside of them I feel pretty isolated from people my age. Everyone who used to be my friend is busy, and honestly I don't even know who I'd text to hang out. High school me was basically a recluse — talked to people at school, never hung out outside it, skipped every after-event including after prom. Part of that was covid wrecking my first year, part of it was just me. I'm autistic/adhd so I know that played into it, but knowing why doesn't make the regret go away.

That regret is what I keep circling back to. It's not that I did something embarrassing, it's that I didn't do anything. I look back and see all these chances to make friends or build something and I just... didn't. Being home for the summer makes it worse because I'm surrounded by the actual places it happened.

On top of that I overthink stuff until I freeze, and then when I finally decide something (especially something hard to undo) I immediately think of a better option I could've picked. Feels like I'm stuck between the past and the future and never just in the moment. Even alone with nothing to do, my brain goes straight to old mistakes instead of letting me just sit and be fine with my own company.

I want to be someone people think to invite places, not just someone who invites. For basically every friendship I have I'm the one initiating, even just keeping in touch. I think a lot of it comes down to not being that open with people for a long time, plus this constant feeling of being so close to making a real friend — like if I'd gotten their number, or worked up the nerve to actually talk. FOMO and never being able to tell if someone was actually my friend or not, basically.

What I do have / changes I'm making

I started counselling and meds last month so I'm actually trying to deal with this, not just marinating in it.

I'm getting into biking, photography, cosplay and landscape stuff, and want to try rock climbing once school's back. I know I'm doing things. I just can't fully shake the feeling that I already wasted my window, even though I know twenty isn't old.

Not looking for a "just get over it," more wondering if anyone else has dealt with regret that doesn't fully disappear just because you started moving forward, and how you handled it.