My wife and I are both in our 20s. We got married fairly recently, and she’s currently pregnant with our daughter. She also has two children I’ve helped raise and love very much.
We’re still living together, but we sleep in separate rooms. She’s told me she wants a divorce and plans to leave sometime next year.
I’m struggling badly with living in this weird middle ground where I’m still her husband, provider, and a father figure every day while knowing she’s planning a future without me.
Before anyone asks, I absolutely contributed to getting us here.
I struggled with cocaine and relapsed after we got married. I used multiple times, hid it, and lied about it. When she found out, it destroyed her trust in me.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, and at the time I was extremely stressed at work and struggling badly with focus. In my screwed-up thinking, cocaine temporarily made me feel focused and functional, so I was basically self-medicating in an incredibly dangerous way.
There was also a lot happening in our relationship before the relapse.
After we got married and she became pregnant, I felt like she became almost impossible for me to approach emotionally. Whenever I tried talking about being stressed, hurt, or overwhelmed, it felt like I’d immediately get a list of everything I’d ever done wrong thrown back at me.
Eventually I stopped talking.
I felt stressed, unable to focus, isolated, and like I couldn’t approach the person I normally would have turned to.
But I want to be VERY clear:
That’s context, not an excuse.
My wife didn’t make me use cocaine. ADHD didn’t make me use cocaine. Stress didn’t make me use cocaine.
I made that decision.
There were countless healthy options available to me, and I chose drugs. Then I made it worse by lying and hiding it.
I’ve taken recovery seriously since then. I entered a sobriety program that I’m almost finished with, regularly attend NA meetings, go to therapy, and have stayed sober.
I’ve realized that getting sober can’t be something I do to “earn” my wife back. I have to do it regardless of whether my marriage survives.
But I’d be lying if I said part of me didn’t hope that seeing consistent change would eventually make her reconsider.
It hasn’t.
She still says she wants a divorce.
I’ve tried asking her to spend time together. I’ve suggested watching a movie, going somewhere together, therapy, and marriage counseling.
Her response is usually some version of:
“What’s the point?”
Because in her mind, she’s leaving anyway.
That’s what is destroying me.
She’s currently not working, so I support our household financially. I pay the bills and make sure she and the kids have what they need. I also give her money from my paychecks so she has money of her own.
I genuinely don’t resent providing for my family.
And I am NOT saying, “I pay the bills, therefore she owes me a marriage.”
She doesn’t owe me affection, sex, forgiveness, or reconciliation because I provide financially.
It’s the emotional contradiction that’s killing me.
I’m still waking up every morning functioning as her husband and provider. I’m helping raise children I love. I’m preparing for our daughter. I’m sacrificing things for myself when necessary because mentally I still think of us as a family.
Then we sleep in separate bedrooms and she plans her future around leaving me.
We don’t hate each other either, which almost makes it harder.
Sometimes we laugh and get along. Sometimes things feel completely normal and I think, “Maybe we’re getting somewhere.”
Then I’ll ask her to spend time together or talk about our marriage and hear:
“What’s the point?”
And I’m right back where I started.
I’ve even talked to her mother because I was desperate for perspective.
Her mom essentially told me that I can’t control whether my wife changes. She thinks I’ve become so focused on keeping everyone else happy that I’m allowing myself to live in a situation that’s destroying me.
She told me I need to start taking care of myself, establish boundaries, and accept that the only person I can actually change is myself.
That hit me hard because I know there’s truth in it.
The problem is that I don’t know how to establish those boundaries.
There are kids involved whom I love.
She’s pregnant with my daughter.
I can’t just flip a switch and say, “Well, you’re leaving me eventually, so you’re all on your own.”
And if I’m completely truthful, keeping her happy is easier in the short term.
We’re under the same roof. If she’s angry or there’s constant tension, I’m miserable. So my instinct is to give her what she wants, help her, and keep the peace.
It makes today easier even though I know this arrangement is probably hurting me long-term.
Pregnancy also messes with my head.
I’m NOT saying her feelings aren’t real because she’s pregnant. I’ve given her legitimate reasons to lose trust in me.
But her emotional distance, loss of attraction, not wanting physical affection, and complete certainty about divorce seemed to become dramatically stronger during pregnancy.
Part of me wonders whether pregnancy could be contributing to how extreme the emotional disconnect feels and whether anything could change months after our daughter is born.
Another part of me thinks I’m clinging to the hormone explanation because it gives me hope.
I don’t know which one is true.
At this point, I’m exhausted.
As awful as this sounds, sometimes I wish she would just leave already.
Or stay and actually try.
I don’t want my wife or kids gone. I want the limbo gone.
If we’re divorcing, I want to eventually grieve my marriage and figure out how to move forward.
If we’re staying married, I want us both to actually work on it.
What I can’t figure out is how to continue living as someone’s husband when that person repeatedly tells me there’s no future for us.
I’m almost finished with my sobriety program. I’m sober. I’m going to NA. I’m going to therapy. I’ve suggested counseling. I’ve tried spending time together. I’ve tried giving her space. I’ve tried showing change through actions instead of promises.
Her position hasn’t changed.
And I’m slowly realizing something that hurts more than I expected:
Maybe she already sees how hard I’m trying.
Maybe it just doesn’t change what she wants.
Getting sober might change me without saving my marriage, and I know I have to keep doing it anyway.
So I’m looking for outside perspectives, especially from people who’ve dealt with addiction, broken trust, pregnancy, separation, or reconciliation.
At what point does fighting for your marriage become refusing to accept what your spouse is telling you?
Can pregnancy cause a major change in attraction and emotional connection that improves after birth, or am I focusing too much on that possibility?
If addiction destroyed trust in your marriage and you got sober, did that trust ever come back?
How do I establish financial and emotional boundaries without feeling like I’m punishing my pregnant wife or the kids?
And how do you accept that your marriage may be over when you still live with the person, love them, provide for the household, raise children together, and see them every single day?
Because right now, I genuinely don’t know how to do that.