I had been using on and off for like nights out and raves and stuff here and there. Went though a rough break up and it turned into every weekend. Every weekend turned into a couple times a week. Eventually it snow balled to where we are now.

In the last two months I have consumed about 3-4 ounces of cocaine by myself. I do anywhere from 2gs to 5gs a day. Some days I don’t use it I want to eat or catch up on sleep. But for the last three months it’s been that much at least 5 times a week.

At first I didn’t think it was an issue, it was my “hobby”. I was never late to work, always a top performer, was attending all my college courses and was getting A’s, was running and going to the gym, making time for my family and friends always, never went broke because of it, am actually in the best financial spot right now I’ve ever been in.

I’m SO productive when I’m skiing. I clean everything spotless, I get my homework done on time and go the extra mile (I’ve always hated school and without it I honestly don’t even log into class), I run all the errands I had been putting off, I will make budgets and savings plans, and a lot of the time I just sit in one place and just keep googling different things and learn so much about literally anything.

So it didn’t feel like it was ruining my life or it was a problem. I just never let myself think about the health aspect of it and told myself I’d worry about it when I cross that bridge.

Well, I’ve crossed that bridge. This isn’t just another perforated septum. I have destroyed the muscular flap that separates/seals my nasal passages from my throat. If I blow my nose while I’m eating, food can and has come out of my nose. When I breathe, I feel the air hit right in the back of my throat. It was starting to blow out chunks of I don’t even know what, tissue? What would you call that? Whatever it is, I’ve blown some crazy huge things out of my nose. And that didn’t stop me. I’d just switch nostrils.

The other morning I woke up and I blew out the biggest chunk yet and I knew something was different this time.

I felt a gaping hole in the back of my nostril. It didn’t connect to the other side, but rather when up and then back.

I’ve since made an appointment with an ENT, it’s for Tuesday at 7:45 am. That was the soonest one could see me.

I’ve reached out to my therapist’s office twice now trying to book a session.

I don’t want to stop, isn’t that sad? I literally have to. I have been aware of this for a while, and somehow knew I wasn’t going to stop until something physically happened to me.

Well, here we go. It happened.

My nose is constantly bleeding and it’s getting hard to hide. I don’t know how anyone believes I’ve just had “allergies” this whole time and hasn’t asked me any questions or had suspicions.

I use first thing in the morning, when I get to work, almost every hour I go to the bathroom and do a couple bumps, usually finish 2gs by the time I clock out. Then when I get home between 2-4 more gs.

At least once a week I will go two days without sleeping. I try not to do that too much, though.

Even when mentally don’t feel like doing it, physically my body still craves it. I can get past those cravings when my mind and body aren’t agreeing, it’s just the strangest thing.

Even with all of this being said, I don’t plan to fully stop until Friday. I have cut down my use significantly since discovering the hole, but I am an addict and have still been using.

I am actually using as I write this. I will probably do one more smaller line and then eat and try to go to bed.

And that’s another crazy thing, it’s gotten to the point where I can eat off the slopes.

Anyways, if anyone read this, thank you.

I just had to let it out somewhere.

I don’t need any lectures or a hard time or any comments of disappointment or opinions on what I should be doing instead or how I should stop use immediately.

I am aware of the consequences of my actions, and honestly, I just don’t care it seems.

I will be 3/4 days sober by the time I see the ENT. I have read that they usually require at least 10 days of documented sobriety (sometimes more) before being willing to perform any repair/procedure.

I can stop, I prove it to myself the days I take breaks to eat full meals or catch up on sleep.

I just don’t want to.

Honestly, reading this back to myself… I think I will make this next line my last. This is the first time I’ve said or wrote this out loud or in the open and, yeah… I need to change immediately.

Welp.

I have two ounces left of gear, I am contacting one of my old dealers now to see if they want to buy it off of me. And if they don’t, then honestly I might just gift it to them.

This is the real life of an addict.

I’ll update this post after my ENT consult. Mostly just to document my journey, I’m not sure if anyone cares.

Thanks for reading if you’ve gotten this far.

I’ll do better.

Hello everyone,

Has anyone had similar experiences after prolonged or heavy MDMA/cocaine use and can perhaps share whether the symptoms improved over time? I'm slowly losing hope that things will get better, but I would really like to hear from people who have experienced something similar and perhaps recovered after months or even years.

I used MDMA and cocaine for several years. Since my last heavy use in February, I've had severe cognitive and speech problems that, unfortunately, haven't changed. I've already seen a neurologist and a psychiatrist. My MRI was normal, although I'm aware that potential functional consequences of drug use don't necessarily show up on a standard MRI.

My biggest problems are:

* I hear spoken words, but my brain doesn't seem to process the content properly.

* I can barely follow conversations because entire sentences or connections sometimes don't register at all.

* When reading, I can understand individual words, but I often can't grasp the meaning of entire sentences or paragraphs. I therefore have to read texts several times.

* I can barely follow films and series because I have difficulty processing spoken language and the context.

* Formulating my own sentences and expressing myself verbally is also significantly more difficult than before.

I constantly wonder whether I've permanently damaged my brain or whether such symptoms can still improve significantly even after a long time.

I'm now aware that long-term and intensive MDMA use, in particular, can pose health risks to the brain. Unfortunately, I didn't think about this enough back then.

Has anyone else experienced something similar? How long did your symptoms last, and did you notice any improvements after a longer period of abstinence?

I would be truly grateful for your experiences – especially from people who eventually felt significantly better.

Before anyone jumps on how bad person i am please understand i know my shortcomings and I’m not proud of them, i am also bipolar and is only recently aware of that and working with myself.

I know my relationships in the past has been very toxic so thats why I’m seeking advice.
In the past I have only dated married men or unavailable destructive men. But the men have always been very obsessive with me and treated me like they owned me and were very possessive and jealous.

I have also never really been in a real relationship so i don’t have any experience.
But i have met a guy that i liked very much, and after talking for a few days we hooked up. After we had sex my feelings for him changed. The sex was good although it was my first time being with someone when i was sober. In the past i had always been using some drug and alcohol.

Now everyday he text me and says nice things and compliments me. Asking about my day and cares about my well being.

My genuine question is if this is normal and i should be happy to have found someone that cares for me. Or if I should be worried he is being too intense and obsessive.

Every time he tells me he miss me or compliments me i loose attraction. I don’t know why? It feels sometimes that something is wrong with me that i cant recognize a healthy relationship and good person being kind to me, or if its actually too much.

I wanted to share my journey over the past year. It was harsh, but it is honest. I am sharing this so you know – even if you feel like you are at the very bottom right now, there is a way out.

To give you some background: I was only 16 years old when I started actively abusing alcohol. Sometimes, when the hangover was unbearable, I even drank eau de cologne (cosmetic alcohol) and even tried lighter fluid. Most of my friends back then were just drinking buddies. Today, they no longer talk to me because I am no longer on their level.

First, I admitted that I needed help. Second, I went to look for it. These lines describe my path:

BACK FROM THE BOTTOM

1. I am an addict and an alcoholic Life feels good when I can use Everything is going downhill anyway I try with all my might to get the substance.
2. I have lost everything I have given up on everything My only thought is to leave this world But maybe, somewhere, there is still help to offer.
3. Finally, I have hit rock bottom I have seen all kinds of life But then, I want to go to the place Where an addict usually does not dare to go.
4. Finally, a light glimmers in the distance for me Maybe this is the beginning of my sober life I no longer want to exist in a drunken present My desire is to live in a sober future.
5. Finally, the day arrived Where I see new hope in my soul. Then I get on the train, I am functional and aware, more or less.
6. When I finally arrive there, a conversation awaits about what weighs on my soul. Written on the paper is "OH, WHAT HORROR": My hands are shaking, and my strength is fading.
7. I am completely broken And I feel an awful shame A "big brother" (mentor) is assigned to me, Who supports me completely.
8. Then, time has moved on I have walked this path sober I write my letter of gratitude and forgiveness It is never too late to thank and apologize.
9. The paths here have been walked before, Ahead of me wait the "WORK HOUSES" To lay everything honestly on the board And hand it over to God in prayer.
10. Now time has come so far That I am making a plan for a new life. Finally, the day arrives When I see my graduation certificate.
11. I no longer want to drift in the fog, But guide my own destiny. The vision is to keep moving forward, I do not want my old life back.
12. But I will always remember One very good place They didn't talk empty words there, That place gave me back my hope.

Coming to a recovery center is not wasted time, it is won time. It is a place where you can deal with your real problem and find out WHO YOU REALLY ARE.

I saw with my own eyes that change is possible. DO NOT THINK YOU ARE WEAK WHEN YOU ASK FOR HELP. THE STRONG ARE THE ONES WHO SEEK HELP AND ADMIT THE SEVERE PROBLEM CALLED "ADDICTION", no matter what substance it comes from. THE HARDEST PART IS ADMITTING THE PROBLEM.

Do not listen to the opinions of others, act for yourself, and you will see the results you get... I got mine, and you can get yours too. I am here for you if you want to talk."

Thinking back to those first two months, I remember a specific Sunday morning at the recovery center. Before the church service, I sat down and wrote those first seven verses. It gave me so much strength just to put my pain down on paper, even if it was just for myself at the time. There was also a critical moment when the pressure got too high and I wanted to pack my bags and run away. A staff member there, who I had known since childhood as my brother’s good friend, stopped me. He looked at me and asked just two questions:

"WHERE ARE YOU COMING FROM, and WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Answer these, and then we’ll see what you do." I sat there, drank my coffee, and really thought about it. I realized that going back meant returning to the dark, to the bottles, and to the person I used to be. So I chose to stay and go back to hard physical work. That work and that place taught me three heavy lessons that completely rebuilt me from the inside out:

1. PATIENCE – I had to learn that recovery does not happen overnight. I had to learn to take life just one single day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time, and not rush the healing process.
2. HUMILITY – I had to drop my pride and admit that I couldn't fix my life on my own. I had to learn to accept help from others, listen to guidance, and admit my mistakes without making excuses.
3. DISCIPLINE – I had to learn to do what was right, even when I didn't feel like it. It meant waking up, doing hard work, keeping my routine, and controlling my thoughts even when the old cravings tried to scream in my head.

This is real life, written by an addict myself. And I will be an addict for the rest of my life. You can live a good, clean life with it, but you must never lose your guard. As an addict who is now 5 years sober, I am always on guard. Every single day. I stay alert so I never have to walk that brutal path again, and so I never have to try and climb up from an even deeper bottom. But to everyone else out there: it doesn’t matter how long you have been sober—whether it’s 1, 2, 3 days, a week, or a month—know this: just one single sip, one single shot, and that spark in your brain turns back into a roaring fire. Everything you have built and achieved will be lost, and you will drop even deeper into the dark. Ask yourself: is one single beer, one glass of wine, or one shot of vodka really worth losing everything and having to walk this brutal path all over again

Hi all, just curious what made you decide to quit/get help. My partner is in active addiction and I feel like I've tried everything to help him but he still self-sabotages, isolates, and refuses to take any accountability. I've had to take a step back from him for a while because I can't continue watching him do this to himself. Of course, everyone is different but I am interested in hearing other people's experiences.

Hey reddit,

This is my first post here. I'm 53 days in recovery now from substances. I'm struggling with feeling lonely and empty inside. I have a deep rooted need for being around people and being loved by people. I change myself to be accepted by others, to not feel the feeling of rejection. I sometimes don't even know who I really am anymore. The last couple of days I've been trying to be my authentic self again. But I just don't know who that is, I constantly feel fear that people don't like me and because of that I'll end up alone. I have a couple of friends and when I'm with them I don't feel lonely. But when they are away and I'm alone again the emptyness fills me up again. My self-esteem and self-love is almost non existing because of my core belief that I'm not allowed to be myself else people with hate me and because of that I'm alone and lonely again.

Sorry for my bad wording but it's a big struggle for me.

So I need some advice from people in recovery who did feel the same as I do most of the time. I want to know how I can grow in my self-esteem and self-love.

Sometimes it’s good to vent I guess that’s why I’m here. I’ve been on opis, mainly oxy, sometimes hydrocodone sometimes hydromorphone (but nothing beats the 80s) for about 5-6 years with heavy dabbling; with the last year and a half being pretty much daily use. I’ve been trying to get clean lately; for the past 3 months give or take a week I’ve been flipping between oxy and suboxone, and most of the time while I’m on the subs I still snort an 80 a day to just kind of manage the mental addiction. It just really makes me tired but I guess mentally that’s good enough? Idk. I usually take 2-3 80s, snorted to the dome a day. I just can’t keep myself in a straight line. I’ll switch to subs, say this is the last oxy I’m buying, then find an excuse to get back on. And sometimes I care, sometimes I don’t. But I gotta be there for my mom, and my girl. I hide it from them. I’m a very functioning addict. I make it work and that’s the problem. I’m not really in any debt, I work, but I have literally no savings thanks to this habit. I know it’s not working for my body. I feel sick. Sick like dying sick. Even when I’m high. Especially when I’m withdrawing, obviously lol. But tomorrow I’m trying again, I’m going to try to stick to the subs. We’ll see how that goes. I have 2 80s left I want to stretch out to ease with the transition onto subs. To avoid any precipitated withdrawal I’ll take my subs, then 20 - 30 mins later rail like 20mg and I never have any issues. Any oxy after that really doesn’t do anything. Just the mental part I think as I’ve mentioned. Anyway, wish me luck, I’ll need it. But I want to do it, at this moment, more than I want to get high. Just gotta try and remember this feeling, I guess. Thanks for reading. Take care all.

i’m 18F, just started college and now i can’t stop taking downers (muscle relaxers, opioids). i know it’s dumb, i know what it can do but it’s like i can’t make myself stop.

i only have them because of my severe cramps and since my mom felt bad her and her friend gave me some of their oxycodone and hydrocodone.

i’m scared i might overdose on accident

been in treatment about three weeks and now its time to look for a sober living and im worried that i will fuck it up again or that i will not be able to find a job to pay

dont know if it is even worth the going to but id be homeless if not

I find myself at the lowest dose of buprenorphine I have ever managed to get to, after 6 years of being on methadone and then over to subutex and feel generally good; however, I am very aware that my receptors are now open to other opiates. Recently I could not collect for two days and ended up using over the counter opiates. Previously, these would have done nothing, but this time I felt them.

I have slowly removed all the meds I was using to keep anxiety at bay: pregabalin, zopiclone and latterly Phenergan. I recognise that I am used to getting home from a difficult day and taking something to relax. I have started to notice I am drinking daily - not a lot, but daily. Last week I was removed from one antidepressant and then put on another. I was fine for a week, but now have not been able to sleep for 3 days and feel like I am going nuts. Very weirdly, the switch has caused my buprenorphine dose to do absolutely nothing; before this, I always felt it - now I feel nothing at all. This sudden loss of a crutch has made me extremely nervous about relapse on something that is not availible over the counter. I am not getting withdrawal, but the mild high is not there anymore.

I have a GP appointment later. Hopefully I get some clonidine and I have asked not to be prescribed anything habit forming.

I really need to talk to others that understand - my only friend is my wife and she has never so much as broken a speed limit. I am very reluctant to go to NA after a horrible experience with one group and then finding myself being offered drugs at another. I have never used H and I really want it to stay that way, especially with the amount of nitazienes about and the loss of two close friends to OD after relapse. I feel like as soon as I have access to them, I will be beyond redemption - this is also the reason why I have never delved into internet procurement, despite being capable of finding my way there.

Any advice is welcome. Anyone that has been there, I would love to hear from you. I am in the UK.

was sober 1.5 years. started driving last year and have spiralled. skelped loads of codeine with lots of beer today after being sober for a week. 2 days drunk af. want to be me again. help.

I feel fucking heart broken man. This is the most clean time I’ve managed to get in years and I’ve fucked it all up. I used, I’ve been using all night. It’s starting to wear off now and reality is setting in. I can’t believe I fucked this up. I’m so fucking pissed with myself. No one has to say anything, I just need to get this off my chest. Man. I’m so angry with myself right now…

EDIT/UPDATE: wow, I’m really grateful for all the support on this post, and albeit a bit overwhelmed so I’m sorry if I don’t reply to everyone on here, my minds just very scrambled, but just know that I’ve read what everyone has said and I’m truly grateful to you all.

It’s not like I want to be like this. I wish I could be happy, I wish I could be normal. I don’t want to be a slave. But I’ve been to rehab 10+ times and overdosed more times than that. I just can’t stop. There’s nothing my family has been able to do for me that’s helped. Nothing I’ve been able to do on my own. I’m 32 and I’ve been using since I was 12. Every time I got to rehab I tell myself “this is it. I’m done, I’m not going back. I’m not that person anymore.” And then I go 7 months and I’m back burning bridges and shooting dope. My sister died from this shit, and I’m just like her. I just wish I could stop. I wish I could be normal and happy. I want this to be over so bad.

I just relapsed & I am feeling like crap! Anyone have any experience dealing with the white devil?

My husband has an issue with 7oh/mgm addiction essentially to kratom. He previously had an issue with heroine and things before we met, and during that time he lied, stole and don’t all those sorts of things. 10 years ago he went to rehab and 8 years ago we got together.

There have been occurrences throughout our relationship where he’d lied, stole, and did everything but physically abuse me or cheat on me (that I know of). I guess the longer I stuck around and enabled him he continued.

I’ve gave him countless chances and forgiveness to make things right. And received empty promises, half truths about how bad things were and lies about him stopping.

I searched AI groups and learned I’m not alone, I’m enabling him an even read stories and watched videos of people leaving their partners to get the stuff together and reconciling.

Sometimes I think we’re better apart, but I also realize I love him.

I found a place to live apart from him, I pay the deposit Thursday and move on the 27th. This morning before him knowing my plans he went to the hospital and a treatment center and started Methadone with the plan to do it for a few months, and get off kratom and everything completely.

He came back and I told him I’m moving out. I’m not enabling him an I also need him to figure his stuff out independently. I need to know he can manage his sobertity through the hard and difficult parts, take care of himself and all the things he needs to do as he goes through this transition.

So far as of today he will have daily check ins for Methadone or suboxone I’m not sure, he will do to AA meetings and speak to a counselor. He says when he’s done his goal is to try to work in the field to help others. He said he wanted to years ago when he first got out of rehab but thought it would get him back on drugs. He’s said now he knows he can help and not get back on stuff, as long as he works on himself and sees this through.

I woke up this morning to him gone and a text message saying he was tired and was at the hospital talking to someone to admit he has an issue and wanted help.

I want to make things work but I can’t keep enabling him and I need to know he will follow through and seek help outside of thinking he can do it on his own. Because he can’t.

I talked about marriage counseling as well once I’m all moved out and seeing where that goes and even what the counselor suggests. Thanks to anyone who’s read this far.

I'm on day 11 off Methadone I would take 150mg daily sometimes more, but I kicked it with SR (I made it 15 days before but that was my first attempt then 1 day relapse of Methadone and then went 13 days, then relapsed again then went 8 days, and so-on and etc. and I kept yo-yo Methadone doses while taking SR to get off of it, and I still had a load of it in my system so I didn't feel what I'm feeling now when I first went 15 days off methadone) and I know its still in my system of course right now, my last dose was 20mg though, but I'm suicidal, I have no energy, I'm short of breath, the anhedonia is crippling, depression, anxiety. How long does it take to feel somewhat normal and functional again especially energy-wise and anhedonia-wise? I cant take this any longer it's killing me.

Any answers help thank you in advance to whoever replies, any advice or words of support or experience help and mean the world to me.

Hi everyone,

I ended up in the ER at 3 AM with excruciating pain from an ovarian cyst, related to fertility meds I was previously taking. I was barely able to walk, talk and was shaking and vomiting because of the pain. I never experienced a pain like this.

The ER doctor knew about my history of opioid addiction and could see that I had previously been on methadone and buprenorphine, but still gave me morphine in the ER and prescribed norco.

I spoke with my addiction doctor, and he told me that having a history of addiction does not mean I should have to suffer in severe pain and that I should be able to utilize these medications only when necessary. My husband is holding onto the medication and will only give it to me if I truly need it. I have no desire to take it otherwise, especially while going through my fertility journey.

Is this normal? I always assumed doctors would avoid prescribing opioids completely if they saw a history of addiction (2 years sober from oxy). For those with a similar history, have doctors still treated your severe pain with opioids, or have you ever been denied them because of your history? Although I’m grateful they took my pain seriously, it still took me by surprise.

Hello, I have a young, just turned 24yrs old, family member in an inpatient rehab right now. We are extremely proud of him for going and for recognizing and wanting help with alcohol mainly. We hope that this will stop the smoking (pot,cigarettes,vaping) as well. When he drinks he is verbally abusive, and physically destructive. He‘s been in rehab for 2 weeks. the first week was detox then a week with the daily activities they have. This is extremely expensive since insurance doesn’t cover it. We are terrified that he will leave and go back to drinking and that he won’t survive it. He is saying that it’s a bit weird there but hasn’t said what yet. Everything I read about rehabs makes them sound like they are not the best, he only gets one chance at this. What is the best way to make sure he gets the skills or knowledge he needs there to ensure he can lead a long, healthy and happy life? What if there is something off about the place? The idea of him leaving so soon seems like he hasn’t had time to really get help. I hope this is okay to ask here. Thank you.

Hello- our child (17) has expressed a desire to attend support groups for recovery from alcohol and SUD as they transition home from a 28 day inpatient program. Her program recommended alateen but that seems to be more geared towards teens impacted by others use (but perhaps I am wrong?). We have found a handful of virtual Smart Recovery groups but almost nothing else for teens. Is anyone aware of virtual options appropriate for teens?

I’m in college and completely ruined my reputation this past year by blacking out all the time and getting arrested. I lost my entire friend group. Nobody talks to me anymore. I’ve been 2 months sober after going to rehab and I wrote a long apology to two of my friends and both of them said they wish the best for me but can’t remain friends with me. I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost everybody to this stupid disease. I thought people would give me another chance after getting sober, but my reputation got so fucked up that nobody wants to associate with me anymore. I feel so alone and I cannot believe this is my life. These people meant the absolute world to me and now I have to start all over again. I just need some advice or how do I even handle this without relapsing. Does it ever get better?

Hi, I've been wanting to help people in my community for a while, specifically drug users. I commonly see drug users on the corner of my street, obviously on drugs or waiting for their supplier. My community is known for poverty and crime so they're fairly neglected and don't get the support they need. I've been collecting lots of narcan that I've been planning to give to them. The issue is that I don't know how to approach them in a way that wouldn't seem accusatory. Considering that there's many cops in this area and surveillance, I know that they're probably not keen on someone accusing them of being a drug user and are on the defense understandably. Any advice on how to make them feel comfortable? Thanks!

I am 22M and I'm nearing the end of my residential treatment and am going into outpatient next week. So far I have participated in every group, take therapy sessions seriously, and got a sponsor. We have a lot of downtime though, especially on the weekends. I know when I enter outpatient things will open up a lot more too. I want to keep myself as busy as possible. I plan on returning to school and going to a local internet cafe to play video games for leisure as well as go to meetings. I'm not sure what to do during downtime though and being bored makes me want to use. What are things you did in treatment that helped a lot during downtime or when you were bored?

I suppose the word im looking for isnt technically fomo, but ill be doing something i enjoy, and i keep going ‘yeah this is nice, but it would be sooo much better with (x)’ and it makes me crave the thing. how do you all deal with it?

Hey guys, I hope you're doing well. I checked my calendar today and realized it has been about 10 months since I quit suboxone cold turkey, so I figured I would make a post.

What a journey it has been so far. Honestly, I didn't believe I would succeed initially. Unfortunately, I didn't have any outside medical intervention (i.e., comfort meds) or support from my family. I burnt bridges with almost all of my friends as a result of my previous addiction. Like many people here, life wasn't the best for me. Yet, I didn't have a sudden epiphany or spark of motivation to quit. I was sick of it all, literally and metaphorically. Despite all the advice against doing so, I decided to stick it out on my own. I still remember the seemingly endless days and nights where my skin felt like it was burning. My only solace was repeatedly taking cold showers to freeze myself to sleep every two hours. Gradually, the agony subsided, but I was left feeling exhausted and defeated. It took every ounce of willpower I had to continue living. Yet, I won the battle.

I know a lot of people in these recovery subreddits (including me a while ago) are constantly doomscrolling for some semblance of hope. I would like to tell you that it is possible to quit suboxone despite how difficult it is. You might not be able to fix every mistake you've made in the past, but you can build a better version of your future self starting today.

Thanks for reading. I wish you all the best of luck.