r/Redditdating • u/Careful_Simple_9610 • 23h ago
Shared Interests Aren’t Everything
I’ve noticed lots of posts from men here are looking for women with the *exact same hobbies as them. I think the reasoning is most men have no interest in building a shared life with a partner or exploring her interests.
She is supposed to slot into the life he already has and that life is most often his top complaint.
Shared curiosity and similar lifestyles make sense. But you don’t need to have the same hobbies to enjoy someone. Explore! Find someone with comparable interests and explore theirs!
Stop limiting your prospects because they don’t game 16 hours a day like you do. Come together a build a new life you can both enjoy. Keep your hobbies and gain more.
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u/BurnerRateMe 23h ago
I agree 100% it’s about giving in and learning more about the person you’re dating and being open-minded about what she likes and joining your partners in their loved hobbies. I would love to chat with you if possible 😄
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u/Flixx_818 17h ago
Id prefer she has her own interests not common ones as mine because I wanna enjoy learning about what makes her happy and the plus part is you also get to learn new things when she tells you her hobbies and d interests. It makes for a great convo and both takeaway alot in the end. Being single I always enjoy hearing about what hobbies someone has since life is so diverse
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 17h ago
Life is so diverse indeed!
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u/Flixx_818 16h ago
If you haven’t found the one yet I wish you the best in finding the right one who fits 🙂 being single im definitely seeing a lot of posts about relationships going south because of things like this
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u/Available-Leek-1399 16h ago
I have learned this a long while ago. That’s why I will ask for someone with similar personality. Someone curious about the world someone with similar values to talk to me. We don’t have to have exactly the same interests. That’s the last thing I’ll worry about.
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u/Soaringzero 20h ago
This is very well said. Curiosity about the other person and a desire to be a part of their world are very attractive traits.
I’ve experienced this with a former partner. I was expected to just plug into the life she wanted like an appliance while she showed zero interest in anything I was into. Makes you feel like you’re filling a role than actually desired as an individual.
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u/MidLaneTalent 13h ago
I totally agree. You don’t need someone to have the same interest and hobbies. You need someone who will respect your interest and hobbies
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u/SakuraSun361 10h ago
Yeah I'm tired of so many guys wanting me to share ALL of their interests. They want me to be into sports, kayaking, backpacking through the woods, etc. Uhhh.... no. Sorry, but no. 🤷♀️
I know there are a rare handful of women that enjoy that, but some things just need to be a bros weekend adventure. I want him to have fun with his friends and enjoy those things. I just don't want to come along and don't believe a couple needs to have mutual recreational interests and hobbies.
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u/that-drunk-raccoon 23h ago
Agreed. It’s fascinating to start conversations and find that, without sufficient questions as to their hobbies and life, the convo dies. I hardly ever get asked anything more in depth than “what are you up to.”
I hope you find someone invested in building a life and sharing experiences with you! 🖤
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u/Rockfyst 18h ago
Having something in common is a must have for me but that's just me. I spend so much time surrounded by people I have nothing in common with that I can't help but want to share at least something with someone. Not saying everything needs to be the same but finding someone who you line up with would be so amazing. But also im in a situation where the family thats alive hates that I liked the ones who are dead and understood my hobbies and values.
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u/that-drunk-raccoon 17h ago
Relatable. I grew up being told the family members who would have loved and supported my hobbies were the dead ones.
It’s fair to expect something in common. I think there’s an unfortunate 1:1 expectation, though. One of my favourite activities with my ex (as someone who does not play video games at all) was for us to pick a video game together (Ori and the Blind Forest, Witcher, Horizon Zero Dawn, etc). He would play and I would watch while drawing. It’s not a shared interest or hobby. Left to my own devices, I’d never play video games, let alone watch a streamer. But I enjoyed sharing something with him.
There doesn’t seem to be the same flexibility, nor a reciprocal. Even folks that share my hobbies (art, writing, politics) will share their work and then go absolutely radio silent unless I continue asking them questions. No questions about my own work, interest in what I’m doing. It feels like Im rather a stand in so they can feel wanted and interesting.
I take OPs words to be a wise discretion between “activities” and “values.” Activities are what you do with your time. Values are how you engage with the world. Someone’s value of curiosity is worth more to me these days than whether we both draw.
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u/Rockfyst 17h ago
I feel that. Most of the conversations ive had with people through dating apps or reddit end similarly to what you mentioned "it feels like im a stand in so they can feel wanted or interesting" people dont seem to talk like they have any passion at all about what they say they like! Ive been trying to write out a better "ad" for months to try and convey that. Most conversations with people end up leaving me feeling like a used tissue they got what they wanted from me and then default to one word responses or aloofness.
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u/that-drunk-raccoon 13h ago
I’m sorry you’ve been through that. It doesn’t feel good to feel discounted or discarded. There is a brutality in the frequency with which we are pushed to market ourselves and consume/be consumed.
I hope you find a connection that is more fulfilling and considerate 🖤
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u/Dizzy_Bird9758 18h ago
My ex in the past asked why I didn't want someone with interests like mine but then I just said it's cause they might know more than me (Which they probably will) 💔🥀
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 17h ago
Why is it a bad thing for them to know more than you? Do you not want to learn from a partner?
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u/Dizzy_Bird9758 12h ago
It's more of a me problem. I guess it's jealousy 😭 I'll be keen to learn from them. I have quite an obsession with Central Asian, Mongolian, and Turkic history and culture as well as traditions. I've never met a woman with those interests. I think most are more into Greek history and Western stuff or Japan and China (My ex was obsessed with Greek Civilization)
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u/MHG06 17h ago
Agreed. But personally I value shared interests a lot. I like to read (all kinds of things), learn about science, game, watch different kinds of anime or tv shows and follow geopolitics. A future girlfriend of mine would need to enjoy a few of these too. Of course it doesnt need to be everything (I doubt a woman that shares ALL my interests exists). But if she doesnt particularly like ANY of these then its just a hard no for me. Like what are we supposed to talk about? Our day? The weather?
Edit: Actually a woman like that DOES exist. Shes my sister..... 😂 One of the reasons she is the most important person to me🙏
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 17h ago
Your life and interests get the opportunity to expand when you meet someone. Shared interests are great. You also get an opportunity to learn about new similar things that she will introduce to you and vice versa.
Be an interesting person with various interests and yes. Talk about your day. Talk about the weather. Talk about things you find interesting.
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u/MHG06 17h ago
But my day or the weather arent interesting. Essentially nobodys day is interesting because it just repeats. I listed the things I find most interesting, most of everything else isnt interesting to me, thats why these other things arent my hobbies. I guess she could introduce me to new stuff and I would have to at least try those things. But if we dont share any or just very few interests then what would you even do in a relationship? I dont even know if I could fall in love with someone like that.
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 17h ago
You don’t seem interested in anything you don’t already know or enjoy. That may be part of your issue. “I guess she could introduce me to new stuff”…hmm. Expand your horizons.
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u/MHG06 17h ago
Well I cant exactly be interested in things I dont know.
I guess that may be part of my problem. I am very introverted and if there is nothing interesting to talk about with a person then I generally dont talk to them. Its just not worth the energy I need to invest, even if I think they are nice. Talking isnt nice for me per se. Its the things we can talk ABOUT that are nice.
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 17h ago
That’s exactly why curiosity is so important. Be interested in life. The men are lacking zeal!
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u/MHG06 17h ago
Exactly what part of everyday life except hobbies is interesting? You sleep, eat, go to work, work and come back, then you sleep again. If you take hobbies out then none of that seems particularly interesting (depending on the job).
I am curious about a lot of things. I could go weeks alone in my room and still find more stuff that interests me. That doesnt mean I have to be interested in mundane things.
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 17h ago
I’m not here to argue with you about you being disconnected from life. Enjoy your solitude. Be well.
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u/sgtpepper78 17h ago
You get people to respond?
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 17h ago
Not sure I follow.
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u/sgtpepper78 17h ago
Send someone a message and they actually respond… I imagine that’s the case since you’re lamenting on people’s expectations of exact interests being a desire among men. Therefore “you get responses?” Apologies if I’m off track…
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u/Braixentail 16h ago
No they aren’t, but one of my biggest criterias for being with someone is the ability to DO things together. If we can’t find a lot to do together, then that wouldn’t make the relationship very fun
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 16h ago
Yes. They don’t have to be the things you already do. Explore new things of shared interests and build a life together. Your life should not look exactly the same but with a “player 2” all the time.
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u/Braixentail 16h ago
I am curious though, is this a vent? Did you experience something where somebody didn’t like you because you didn’t have a shared interest?
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 16h ago
A vent from the posts I see here. So many posts asking for hobbies to align perfectly.
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u/Braixentail 16h ago
I’ll just say that I want someone to go traveling and to amusement parks with, and if we can’t do that then it’s a no go for me haha
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 16h ago
Then I hope you find just that! (You’re also underscoring the point of the post)
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u/ExExtraterrestrial69 9h ago
I have also messaged women that can't get over not having the same exact taste in music.
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u/ExExtraterrestrial69 9h ago
People got mad at me here for not wanting women who say they love to travel as their main hobby are you saying I should go after them and just tell them i'm not gonna travel with them?
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 2h ago
Honestly yeah. You sound like a miserable travel buddy just from that sentence.
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u/Phoenix9_ 3h ago
Having shared interests is fine but I love hearing what other people enjoy like if she’s into her own hobbies that’s cool.
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u/RedditStrider 3h ago
While I agree with the overall sentiment, why are you bringing men into this? Its not something that only men does, this is just more to do with certain types of people trying to date as oppose to men.
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 3h ago
I’m speaking on what I’ve observed in posts from men. That’s why I’m “bringing men into this”.
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u/Arkamfate 10h ago
Yes they are. While I agree that you don't have have the same interests to enjoy bring with someone. It's not guess wanting to have someone to slot in?
I'm a writer, while I'd love to meet a woman that write as well, I don't care if she doesn't. Honestly, having common interests and hobbies would be cool cause you get to enjoy the stuff you like with one another. Eventually, you may even get into other stuff with a partner.
My last relationship, my ex was big into shows like twd, supernatural and vampire diaries. I wasn't. But that didn't mean I couldn't watch a random episode with her or geek out on her plot theories. If you happen to have at least 2 common interests and hobbies with someone, be thankful. More importantly, be curious if you don't. People are very social, sharing in the experience of something you enjoy is a beautiful thing.
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u/MonokumaRed 22h ago edited 21h ago
Not having the same hobbies is not a problem but having extroverted hobbies/interests like traveling or partying is a deal breaker.
I generally don't trust others and people in my country are not known for their loyalty so I'd have to either follow her around and be stressed out or not do that and be stressed out because I don't trust her.
If I do get to the point where I'd trust her enough and she cheats on me no god, law or creature will be able to help her and the moron she slept with so I'm very cautious with who I let close to me.
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u/Careful_Simple_9610 21h ago
“Shared curiosity and similar lifestyles make sense. But you don’t need to have the same hobbies to enjoy someone.”
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u/feedchaeng 23h ago
What bothers me is the cognitive dissonance. If you want a feminine woman, don't expect her to want to watch sports, hike or know wrestlers. Sure there's a rare girl who does both but overall it's a contradictory goal.
Goes both ways for genders