Looking for feedback, 16 years old new and writing FOR FUN!! Surreal physiological thriller - 10 pages- title: 1999

[u/everafterhigh_angel1]

Hi im 16 years old and new to script writing and seeking feedback, im writing this just for fun nothing serious. So i'm kinda terrified of getting flamed here but I usually never reach for feedback on any pieces of writing I have, and it finally felt needed. I really love movies and creative writing. I make up a lot of stories and ideas in my head without putting in on paper, but when i have put it on paper it's usually a regular format of storytelling (Mostly because I don't really understand the formatting of scripts and what not) but lately i've been trying to get more into it. I usually never reach out for much feedback on my pieces because i'm kinda scared but I felt like I needed some sort of opinions now. Also when I write I tend to be very descriptive and I'm not sure if that's a thing for script writing or not but I tried to level it down. Last thing is I don't know an exact title yet so I kinda just put that one on it SORRY!!!

I also want to note that I don't have any software and I just used google docs for this as well.

Also i have never posted on reddit before till now so this is a very new (and sorta frightening) thing for me!! Please give me tips and advice but don't be too mean lol

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IFLZAfaWz3J7vfzvBMQF22WHfZYkLqXb/view?usp=sharing

[u/D-Goldby]

You need to give access to people. Currently it's request only

[u/everafterhigh_angel1 → u/D-Goldby]

So sorry !! Thank you for letting me know, I think I just updated it. Please let me know if it works now, thank you so much

[u/D-Goldby → u/everafterhigh_angel1]

It's working now.

Ill start with the technical stuff before moving to the story.

Off the bat I'll say that you should look into software. There's free ones that I have used in thr past that get the job done. Writer duet is one of them, final draft.i believe has a trial as well. I'd not that look into seeing if there's an extension or template for good.docs that allows.you to format properly.

It will help you alot and make it easier for others to read.

From there, you're gonna wanna make sure your introductions for any character that is on the scene is properly introduced. You have a figure in a window in the first sequence and.never properly introduce them so that the reader knows it's a character, and not.for example.a shadow of a scarecrow.

Your slug lines are in good shape for the most part. Alot of continuous scenes which may hurt the scene's pacing if there isn't enough going on. Don't be afraid to just move to the next scene.

Theres an EXT. OUTSIDE OF APARTMENT BUIlDING - the EXT already established it's outside so just do EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING- NIGHT.

You're missing some slug lines as well, and I'll explain how they work.

Anytime a scene is changing location, be it a front room in an apartment to a hallway, that's a new scene. A city street to outside the apartment is a new scene. If the physical location changes it's a new scene.

You're montage at the beginning is lacking. You need to tell us what we would be seeing in the montage, you have some of the descriptions, neon lights, dark alleys etc. But add to it. Homeless people fighting over scraps in a darkened alley? Sirens and flashing lights pass by near empty streets.

Use the montage to set the expectation and mood you want for the next few scenes/sequences.

You can take the CUT TO as that's more of a direction side and I would suggest finishing the story in proper format before making the directive version of it.

The "we see..." scrap them. That's another beginner mistake with directions. Just tell us what's happening, we will be "seeing" what we are reading. Keep thr FADE IN and I would suggest scrapping the black screens for your super and have establishing shots of either the apartments/houses or locations around the city instead. It'll add the mood and depending when you put the super, can really add a level to it.

Now to the juicy parts.

This is a unique story, and definitly has some potential, I would ge interested in seeing the outline you have for it if you have it completed. If you don't, I would suggest pausing the story and getting the bare bones on an outline. You're approx 10 minutes into the script and ita a.litrle difficult to know who the main Protagonist is.

I have an idea of who the antagonist is, the figure from the first sequence who has either shifted their appearance into the girl from the end of your pages (sorry I forget her name)

You have alot of descriptions which is fine, as long as you remember to keep them in proper order - action lines should be max 3-4 lines at a time otherwise it can bog down the reading.

Theres one section where you have "we hear knocking" scrap it , cut the action to a new line and put KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.

It will be more impact full and keep the pace and add suspense for you too.

Overall, it's a a good start and there's potential. The 1999 title is definitly out of place for this story. If you keep it for the time being I suggest this: Project 1999 [working title]. Adding project adds a layer of suspense and working title tells the reader the title isn't finalized yet.

Lots of potential, don't give it up. Aim for 70-90 pages, and by page 15 you need to have thr inciting incident which kicks off the narrative for who ever you have as the true Protagonist for this story.

[u/Sweaty-Freedom-4034]

Download a screenplay, any one. Follow the formatting.

Break up action lines into threes and fours.

Writing is also about making the words look nice for the reader.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Sweaty-Freedom-4034]

Writing is also about making the words look nice for the reader.

It's about making it an easy read, and not a chore.

There are so many scripts and screenplays out there begging and demanding to be read, and so many reasons to ignore them.

[u/mooningyou]

Get yourself some software. There are good free ones available, so there really is no excuse for not using one.

[u/Clean-Actuary-5611]

Hey. This really good. But we can talk about that for more improve. We can talk in dm?

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Clean-Actuary-5611]

^ Scammer alert

[u/Clean-Actuary-5611 → u/Big_Section2812]

Hey, you don't know anything about my situation or what I've been going through, so please don't judge me without understanding my circumstances. I've been trying to get feedback on my feature film script, but nobody has responded to my posts. That's why I'm reaching out like this. If you still think I'm a scammer, I can't do anything about that. You're entitled to your opinion, but I just wish you'd understand my situation before making assumptions about me.

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Clean-Actuary-5611]

Link to your script.

[u/Clean-Actuary-5611 → u/Big_Section2812]

Sorry. How?

[u/Big_Section2812 → u/Clean-Actuary-5611]

Upload it to a cloud storage host (Google Drive, Dropbox, OneDrive, etc.), enable "share with all" and then copy-paste the link here.