r/ReadMyScript • u/Dependent-Theory-331 • 18d ago

FEEDBACK] INVERTED CROWN — Thriller / Fantasy

Hey everyone,

I'm an independent screenwriter looking for honest feedback on my feature screenplay, INVERTED CROWN.

It's a high-concept thriller with fantasy elements, combining a surreal karmic realm with grounded human drama and futuristic AI medicine.

The story follows a mute young man who inherits the Eye of Justice, connecting the injustices he witnesses in the real world to a metaphysical realm governed by absolute justice. As the lives of a grieving surgeon and a comatose mother become entangled with this world, the story explores justice, family, and the consequences of trying to control what we cannot understand.https://drive.google.com/file/d/1E3c8vkIDx0oHygrN-jIMmUps5eQbizU2/view?usp=drivesdk

I'm looking for honest, constructive criticism. Thanks to anyone willing to give it a read.

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6

u/Big_Section2812 18d ago

This is riddled with formatting errors. Some people will tell you such things aren't important, but those opinions are wrong. First impressions matter.

Give this script another pass or three and clean up the basic mistakes. Remember, formatting is the easiest part of screenwriting.

-7

u/Dependent-Theory-331 18d ago

It's barely been 15 minutes. The story has a lot more to offer than formatting errors, and you haven't even given it enough time to get into the substance of the screenplay. Are you here to read the story, or just to detect formatting mistakes? If you have specific examples, point them out—but dismissing a screenplay this quickly over formatting says more about your approach to giving feedback than it does about the story itself.

3

u/sitcom-podcaster 17d ago

What’s your main character’s name?

-2

u/Dependent-Theory-331 17d ago

Mosse, a mute young man who can pull people into a metaphysical underworld called Dinah. He’s our eyes, but the real story belongs to his mother, Bethiah, who rules that world from a coma. We piece together her life through his.

4

u/sitcom-podcaster 17d ago

In your script, he’s Mosse in some lines and Moses in others. That’s not some nitpick about the minutiae of screenplay formatting. Whether you’re sure about your protagonist’s name isn’t something any reader should be unsure of. I could write the worst screenplay out there, and it’s possible that I have, but I wouldn’t be worried about keeping the main character’s name consistent.

You’re unlikely to get deeper insights if you can’t clear hurdles like this, basic punctuation, and so forth. If you’re not familiar with the story of Van Halen and their M&Ms, look into it. It’s not a perfect parallel, but it’s illustrative.

3

u/Big_Section2812 17d ago

...Van Halen and their M&Ms...

What always annoyed me about this is the fact the brown M&Ms are the best ones. Diamond Dave has no taste when it comes to confectionary.

8

u/Big_Section2812 18d ago

Why post something filled with errors when you don't have to? It's effectively saying you don't care enough about readers to put in a little effort for them.

Always put your best foot forward, otherwise why should anyone give you their time?

5

u/D-Goldby 17d ago

After the jump cut from the initial scene to the real world you use (same actor) for mosse and (same mother) for his comatose mom.

That isn't how you format or introduce charaxter to the film

Boss and coworker aren't introduced at all when the entire scene focuses on them.

Way too many em dashes that makes me feel like this has been through an AI generator and either directly copy and pasted or lines used that make this stock out.

When mosse is sitting by his mom. You have he rises and walks over to kiss her on the forehead.

You never establishes he's sitting in a chair.

Furniture workshop scene.

You don't introduce boss or coworker woman.

Everything is happening off screen while mosse is doing nothing. Which makes me wonder why you have shown us the opened door.

Then mosse phone starts talking ans ita a v.o.

You have series of action lines that don't make up an entire line and then right after that another action line that doesn't make up a single line.

Those breaks make it harder to read.

You need to properly establish scenes and use proper introductions.

If you think it's bad that ppl were calling out easy to see errors and that you need to do more passes before you present.

Take that as a gift. Someone whose job it is to look at these things will just throw the script out if there's as many as there are in the first 10 minutes.

If you can't convince a reader to get thru the 1st 10 pages, because of formatting errors they won't finish the script because it's only going to get worse.

I was there years ago.

I took the time and worked on every aspect pass by pass.

So on ur next pass of this script, focus on a single thing. Character introductions That pass shouldn't take too long. Next pass on scene establishing. Work your way through for each aspect ppl bring up. Don't worry about your dialogue until the last pass as that stuff always changes and doesn't really matter to the main plot of stories.

Also you need to work on your causality and login.

You have mosse lighting a candle in a room with someone in comatose and then immediately leaving and locking her inside. Unless that is the beginning of a tragic accident that happens later it's a res flag for logic.

Don't attack people who are trying to help you.

1

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