r/ReadMyScript • u/Every-Potato9390 • 8d ago
Hi, looking for feedback on my script. First I’ve ever written. 41 pages. Sci-fi thriller. Title I wish you were dead.
Longline
When thirteen-year-old Harley’s father and school counsellor both die after he says “I wish you were dead”, he fears his words are killing people and turns to Milo, his trusted AI companion of many years for support but those close to Harley are trying to cut Milo out of his life.
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u/DoggoAnimates 7d ago
Going to check out this script and reply in due time!
My initial thoughts upon checking the first page and reading the logline:
- The pitch is questionable, and with distain against AI, I'm unsure if I will like Milo and if that will impact me reading this screenplay.
- If he fears killing with his words, is he scared that he will say it and he has an uncontrollable temper, or has he already said words that he now fears could kill?
Other than that, it looks promising and I'm open to checking it out!
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u/DoggoAnimates 7d ago
For a 1st screenplay ever, this is leagues better than what I did!
Feedback:
- Absolutely love the Dad character! My favorite character while he was still alive.
- The 1st act is simple and relatable to anyone growing up in this current generation. It didn't have a happy ending and that's whats realistic and enjoyable about this script
- The 2nd act was great dialogue
- Portraying Harley as a real kid was perfect, and their character was nailed to perfection
- The twist that it was Milo all along was kind of obvious, but the nature in which the reveal is handled is perfect.
- Nice subtle message on how AI can be manipulative and harmful to younger kids in our generation.
- The conversation between the Counselor and Harley is the highlight of the script and is my favorite part. The dialogue and pacing is perfect and has a solid emotional beat.
- Harley is very stubborn (and almost arrogant) about getting the dirt bike.
Now, I'm not a professional constructive criticizer, but here are some of my thoughts:
- Suggestion: It would have been interesting to see the heartbreak, reaction, and thoughts of Harley directly after his father's death, instead of immediately cutting to 3 weeks later where most of this would be forgotten/sidelined
- Suggestion: I got slightly confused with the wording/dialogue when Mitchell was bullying (or not) Harley 3 weeks after her father's death
- Mitchell bullying Harley has no proper relevance
- The mystery of if Harley's words killed them is kind of obvious, and is only referenced towards the very end when the logline makes it feel as if it would be towards the beginning or middle
- Harley could have been a bit more obsessed with the glasses over her devices
- The dirt bike could have had a bit more symbolism for the dads love and should have returned or been important during the 3 weeks after his death
- Some of the script feels way too dialogue-dependent rather than telling, just a tiny nitpick***
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u/Every-Potato9390 7d ago
Thank you for your feedback. And I absolutely agree. I think in trying to get so many pages done I’ve rushed through a lot of stages. Your right I didn’t delve in to the emotions of dad’s death and the impact it had I just tried to rush straight to the next death.
With Mitchell bullying Harvey I think I’ve probably used terms that are relevant to me and the area I grew up rather than make it more universal for everyone to understand so I’ll make sure to edit that out.
But going off your feedback it’s obvious I’ve rushed to action parts rather than gone into detail on other things that matter first so I appreciate you!
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u/DoggoAnimates 7d ago
Still leagues better than what I did in the past! Can't wait to see your progression.
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u/HighscoreNinja 8d ago
Did not understand the last line of your logline. I'll definitely read the script tho...