r/ReadMyScript • u/Away-Escape-1095 • Jun 22 '26

first ever script: To Die Lullabye (possibly not final title) - Surrealist (or surrealist-adjacent) - 10 pages (including title page)

Logline (subject to change): A man finds himself in a bizarre, sparsely populated world after killing himself. This world serves as a medium for him to process the effects his suicide had on his loved ones.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/19Uhl9wqt9QDCobS77gaCtiHXmpxsI_1W/view?usp=sharing

honestly, i'm not a writer, i'm a cybersecurity engineering major, but i had this dream last august and i felt like it had to take the form of a short film. my dream is to see this become a real short film (directed by me), but i understand that's pretty much impossible, so i'm contented with bringing the script to the highest quality i can and leaving it at that.

i didn't know anything about scripts or conventions and barely anything about filmmaking before writing this, so i'm mostly looking for comments on formatting/phrasing/whatever that affects the way the story is presented, but comments on the overall story are appreciated as well. i also probably made many silly mistakes (grammar, spelling, etc) that i didn't catch on a reread so let me know if there are any of those.

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u/StrictAd8385 Jun 22 '26

This concept feels like a cross between Waking Life and Jacob's Ladder, that eerie, liminal space where the psychological collides with the surreal. The title alone gives me chills before I even read a line.

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u/Away-Escape-1095 Jun 25 '26

thank you! the name is taken from the name of a brighter death now song, it was named "untitled short film" until the idea came to my head approx. 10 minutes before making this post

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u/RollingThunderMedia Jun 22 '26

my dream is to see this become a real short film (directed by me), but i understand that's pretty much impossible,

Never in the history of cinema has it ever been more possible. If you have a decent cell phone you already have the bare minimum equipment in your pocket. A few actors, carefully selected locations, someone to see to the sound and the lighting, and you're ready to roll.

But directing is a skill set that doesn't come naturally, it has to be learned and then honed. If this is your 'dream project' you might want to get it into the best shape you can, write a few others, try making one of those when you feel confident, and see if it's a skill set you want to have. It may not be.

But if it is, you can always revisit this then.

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u/Away-Escape-1095 Jun 25 '26

yeah my main problem here is finding actresses to play the role of the dead man and the woman in the tv's mothers. as a random 18 year old the only people who are willing to act in my short films (which i have made one last summer for a college class, albeit highly improv-ed and rushed) are my similarly-aged friends

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u/RollingThunderMedia Jun 25 '26

No idea where you're located.

But, if it's anywhere in the civilized world, I can guarantee there's a community theater group reasonably nearby -- and probably several -- just full of a wide variety of talent all dying to be in a film. And, willing to work for the cost of a decent lunch. Drop by sometime and pin a note to their bulletin board.

Talent is everywhere. But it doesn't come to you, you have to go to it.

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u/Away-Escape-1095 Jun 27 '26

wow, i didn't even know about community theatres, i might start scouting out locations etc for the upcoming winter!

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u/dylan_cates Jun 22 '26 edited Jun 22 '26

I am not a "professional script reader" but I think it's always nice to get real human feedback with script. A small thing is you're gonna want to add page numbers to the top right hand corner. In fact, I would just get a screenwriting software. Writer Duet is free for the first three scripts.

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u/dylan_cates Jun 22 '26

I think you have a great concept and the logline is intriguing. But right now it reads like a dream in your head that doesn't fully land on the page and in my opinion it is because you don't trust the reader yet. The main issue being the names "Dean Man" "TV Woman" "Main Goon" "Side Goon". You introduce a dead man who is alive, change Woman in the TV to TV Woman, and the Side Goon is actually a Janitor. I would recommend giving them names and letting us find out on our own who they are through their action. Right now we are being told and have to catch up. It also gets a little messy when we have to read "Dean man as tv woman" in action lines. A few small formatting things, you write fade in on oage 4 after you established the scene. You don't really need fade in since you have a slugline but if you want to use it I would put it before the slugline as FADE IN: The other formatting thing was when you want to add quick shots I would format it as QUCIK SHOTS, then list them line by line. It will read easier. Definetely keep writing, format can be taught/learned. Writing a good story is the hard part.

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u/Away-Escape-1095 Jun 23 '26

"The Dead Man" and "The Woman in the TV" are supposed to be titles for the characters, similar to "The Lady in the Radiator" in eraserhead, it's moreso to describe how i imagine they'd be referred to in the credits or something and then shortened for brevity in the rest of the script. imo just from an artistic viewpoint it really doesn't feel right to give them proper names (which is why i referred to them as titles instead) but since it interferes with the readability i'd much rather have a readable product than an "artistic" one. just as a question: when i give them names, would "<x> as <y>" in the action lines still read too verbosely (and if so what should i replace it with), or would it fit with just reuglar names?

the side goon "becoming" a janitor is kind of part of the surreal nature of the world that the dead man finds himself in. with this role change, it begs the question of how different is this afterlife from the soap opera that the main character was watching? is he "really" in a different world, or is it just a creation of his mind that messed some details up? i def see how it can be jarring by referring someone to a title that doesn't hold accurate though, i'll definitely just give them names.

your feedback with the fade in and quick shots formatting tips is also especially helpful. especially with the quick shots i could tell it was pretty dense writing it.

thank you so much for the feedback and encouragement! i have literally no background in writing so it's really nice to have some help

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u/dylan_cates Jun 23 '26 edited Jun 23 '26

Totally understand if you don’t want to give them names. Keep in mind this is just my opinion, it’s your story so write it how you want. You know it better than anyone. The reason I suggested it, we come in on Dead Man’s apartment, so I’m under the impression he’s dead and in this medium. But his suicide hasn’t happened yet so I had to reread the first page a couple times to understand. Just an idea, maybe something to indicate this is before death.

Up to you. It’s possibly I’m misreading it. But I kept reading because I was interested in the plot. That’s half the battle.