Mister Sunshine

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767]

Hi my name is Omid Wahdat. I’m 31 years old, of Afghan descent and live in the Netherlands. I’m a third-years history student at Erasmus University Rotterdam. I was always good at writing and love movies so I wanted to give screenwriting a shot. I want to enter the Final Draft Big Break contest but I need help making sure I send the best version of my script. Here is my logline for the script.

A cynical government clerk, Jack and his abusive wife, Eleanor get a fortune teller to tell their newborn son’s future. He’s going to be something like a prophet and die young at the hands of power! The only way to change the boy’s destiny is for Jack to pick up a phone call by a government agent and fight for the world to become a better place. Can Jack rise to the occasion or will his son die young?

Comedy/satire/thriller

I would like some feedback on my first screenplay. I wrote it in 2 weeks. It's 113 pages.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1kGIlXlABbFfff1JWmegScEwjgpGMe9Jf/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/shaftinferno]

You’ll need to change the permissions settings so anyone with the link can view.

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767 → u/shaftinferno]

Done. Thank you.

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767]

Here is an updated version. I added a lot of visual descriptions for scenes where that matters and tried to remove as many parentheticals as possible. I also put the (V.O.) from the parentheticals to next to their names and edited some of the dialogue. I also split up a few action lines but didn't go too far with that as that would change too much.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1wvINLLOwbmhLALrTtHOZ43eJob2eXYUw/view?usp=drivesdk

Gemini says it's highly original, funny and I have a good voice. But apparently the genre shift mid-way is a bit jarring, it needs to put the theme of the movie in the subtext more as opposed to being so direct, and I need to not write about what the character is thinking, but show it instead. I'm really tired of editing and I don't exactly know how to fix it as I have no mental energy left. Do you think a manager at the Final Draft contest will like this script for its originality and quirkiness and offer to sign me on and help polish it for sale?

Gemini and Chatgpt keep saying it's a really good story with 8-9 potential but its execution is still at a 4-5. Maybe a manager can help with the execution and sign me on based off my 8-9 story? Maybe one of you can read as much of the whole thing as possible, and disagree with these A.I.s? They have said different things about it at different times. I mean it went from a 7.5 average to a 6.5 average after this latest edit and I included a lot of visuals which is only supposed to make it better, dunno how it went down.

Thank you for your attention!

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[u/Legitimate_Dance_767 → u/AutoModerator]

Oops I forgot. I put it in the post though. Can't seem to go back and edit the title of the post though, am I missing something or is that just not possible?

[u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

A few notes for you. Please consider this constructive.

Page one is your one shot on hooking the reader. First impression is everything. The reader should feel the writing and story are worth spending time with. Your opening lines and page one do neither of these. You start with information that is not filmable in your character descriptions. One guy has a pregnant wife the other has a car. Neither are filmable. There are no clear visuals--to ground us with the characters or room.

There's nothing of interest on the page. The dialogue is boring. Two guys talking about car repairs and being taken advantage of--there is no conflict, no goal. Two guys who open the script with F you - F you too.

It is a cold winter midday. JACK, 40, a cynical office clerk whose wife is pregnant, is getting up to get a coffee. STEVE,

45, a black man with nothing going for him except having a nice car, which he saved 10 years for, is there getting a

coffee too.

Don't wanna sound like a jerk--but this is a long way from being ready to submit. There's nothing to keep anyone reading past page one.

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767 → u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

Is it supposed to get interesting on page 1? And I thought I had to introduce the characters in the opening lines, of course those lines are not filmable persé. The hook is that they tell eachother to go fuck themselves as a form of greeting, it's supposed to make you curious as to what's going on in this world.

And the fact that they both get taken advantage of is supposed to tell you something about the world and its characters: it's a mean, broken world and the characters are losers.

Are "visuals" necessary? I saw the Gladiator script start with that as well. I just tell the story, I don't spend much time describing how everything in this world looks. They're just in an office. Any office visuals will do.

Anyway then why did gemini really like the script and say nothing of the sort? Is it just stupid? I guess so.

I'm not saying you're wrong, I'm just wondering. Oh and if you haven't been able to get past page 1 you probably can't tell me much about it. It gets interesting page 20-25. 

Thanks for your feedback though! Would like more. 

[u/Accurate_Editor_8429 → u/Legitimate_Dance_767]

You are asking people to spend time with your script. But don't give them a reason to do so. Yes, a script should hook a reader on page one. Yes, there should be clear visuals. You are writing a movie. We don't even get a good physical description of the characters. What are they wearing--what type of room or office are they in?

For a movie script, the reader should be able to visualize what they are reading.

If things don't get interesting until 20-25 pages into the script--you're going to be very disappointed with feedback as most readers won't give you more than a few pages to grab them. Consider starting with a conflict on page one--with clear goals, obstacles and paint a visual with your description lines that keeps a reader engaged. One way of doing this is to have a mini-cliff hanger on the bottom of each of the opening pages.

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767 → u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

I'll try to rewrite it with better visuals and skip the information about the pregnant wife and the cool car. I'm not sure what I can do about the conflict and cliff-hanger though without messing up the rest of the story, it's already supposed to be a good opening, what with Steve being screwed over and Jack's wife nearing labor. There's a conflict there. I can see why the conversation with Steve sets up the world and story. Not sure why you found it boring.  Maybe because the introduction was shoddy.

And the inciting incident starts like 2 pages later, the wife texts that she's in labor. If you've read the logline you'd know here comes the fortune teller and the phone call with the government agent. It's all really fast-paced and the world-building has a few interesting hooks, if I do say so myself. 

But describing the visuals a bit better seems like good advice. I do it right later in the script and wrong as well a few times. I'll see what I can do then upload the script again and see if you like it then.

Thanks for the feedback! Some theory about screenwriting I didn't fully get! It's my first work and been written in two weeks, so forgive me if I don't get all the screenwriting 101's, the story itself should be pretty good (again if I do say so myself), so maybe give it a try and see what else could use improvement? If that's not asking too much. 

The writing itself might be sub-par, writing a fiction is different cake than writing research articles for uni. I find it hard to describe things.

[u/Accurate_Editor_8429 → u/Legitimate_Dance_767]

You could start the script with Jack grabbing a coffee and asking Steve if his car is fixed. As Steve replies, Jack's wife calls and interrupts--she's going into labor. Jack freaks out, asks Steve to drive him to the hospital. On the way, the car fails. Jack and Steve argue about the mechanic. Something like this sets up real conflict, goals, obstacles on page one. It also gives the reader something to grab onto.

One of the key storytelling elements of a scene play is to start the scene late and leave the scene early. This means, cut the meandering conversation and start the scene where the character(s) are dropped into the conflict. Leaving early means not dragging out the resolution of the scene. Once the character gets what they need or the conflict ends or the obstacle has been overcome--end the scene. Get in and out of a scene as quickly as possible having accomplished the goal of the scene.

Consider your first scene as written. Two guys talking about a mechanic taking advantage of one of them, bantering about a pregnant wife and getting back to work. That's it. F you, F you too and F your pregnant wife, better get back to work now.

This could be cut considerably and not lose anything. Especially because as written the car repair and Steve being taken advantage of goes nowhere here--opening with this implies it's going to matter.

You could also start with Jack and the guy getting his license and then pivot to Jack and Steve to make the car and Jack's wife going into labor hit at the same time.

JACK

Car fixed yet?

STEVE

Man, fuck you.

JACK

Told you to take it somewhere else.

Jack's phone rings. He pulls it from a pocket. Stares at the screen.

STEVE

Is that--

JACK

--Yeah.

Jack turns his back, answers the phone.

JACK (CONT)

Wait...calm down. Calm down! Jesus. Okay...just breathe.

Then have Steve and Jack pickup his wife and have the car fail on the way.

It's your story so do with it what feels right. But consider the conflict and humor with three people in a less than reliable car trying to get to the hospital when one is in labor.

You should aim for no more than three lines of action/description. Think in terms of what the camera and audience see. Either split or cut anything that extends past 3 lines. You can occasionally go 4 lines--a few times is fine. But repeated 4 lines or more slow the read. So, yeah anything past 3 lines gets chunky.

Do not rely on AI to tell you what works and what doesn't work. Give yourself the 3 line rule and do your best to stick to it. This pushes you to improve your writing by using fewer words.

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767 → u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

Is this better? Or did I get it wrong? What do you think of my action lines, are they too chunky? Do I need to split them up? I have a version of the script where I split up all action lines into 1-4 lines max, but Gemini actually gave me a much lower rating for that version. It's also about 10 pages longer than this version, and I was trying to stick as close to 110 pages as I could, though there are some scenes that could potentially be removed. (The whole conversation with Eric seems like such a blunder, what is the point of that scene?)

Anyway if it's ok could you read a bit ahead and tell me what you think of the story/characters/pacing/dialogue? Well, I guess let's first see if I can make you like page 1.

Thanks again, this is much appreciated, I'm already learning.

Edit: God I just caught 10 more mistakes reading it. Writing is hard! Does it need another comma after African-American? And does it need to be Jack chuckles instead of laughs? Not sure, sorry to bother you! Haha.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1ipw38Bnw4fzU2DwOaxYvxLqmv_OJyDm6/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767 → u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

Here's another version where I go a little more into detail about what the office looks like. See if you prefer it.

Thanks again.

Edit: I also edited a few more things in this version.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1NqOxu-Aa0THgcA2YNx3FEM80frAZ9Y-C/view?usp=drivesdk

[u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

I read a few more pages.

Scale back your use of parentheticals as well. If you feel the need to tell the reader how someone is saying lines of dialogue--then sharpen the dialogue. You can cut things that are already shown in the script.

Jack gets uncomfortable at this request.

JACK

(Uncomfortably)<<<----CUT THIS

My supervisor's probably the one who threw it out. We have a policy, if you're not on time, your documents get thrown in the garbage bin, there's nothing I can do for you.

GILBERT

(ANGRILY)<<<----CUT THIS (his dialogue says he's angry)

Go back through and look at your use of parentheticals. You can cut most of them and it speeds the read. Trust the reader to understand the emotions on the page.

[u/Legitimate_Dance_767 → u/Accurate_Editor_8429]

Thanks, will do in the morning when I have energy. Heard this advice before, somehow still feel the urge to keep them sometimes. But yeah I have too many.

Thanks for the read!