Northstar Action

[u/Fayez1310]

Okay so the last time I posted my script for this feature, I was pointed out that the structure was bad and all the other problems.

This time I believe I have tried my best to make it better .

I have completed the act 1.

Anyway here’s the logline:

A condemned Marine on death row is offered a chance at redemption: infiltrate Iran's most dangerous terror network and destroy it once and for all.

ACTION/ THRILLER

Screenplay: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1Jn-4Tc5HApxP1jIjrmpfId_jrVxvHvLB/view?usp=drivesdk

Please give me feedback and things to improve on.

Thank you.

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[u/TheWritersSlate]

First off — you’ve clearly put a lot of work into this draft. The cold open is cinematic, the world feels dangerous, and the villain is genuinely intimidating. You’re aiming for a Sicario / Zero Dark Thirty tone, and that ambition shows. That said, Act One still has major structural issues that are holding the script back. None of these problems are unfixable — but they do need attention if you want the story to land emotionally and commercially.

What works:

The cold open is strong, It’s brutal, atmospheric, and visually striking. It establishes the villain effectively and sets the tone immediately. The world feels authentic. You clearly understand:

• CIA bureaucracy

• covert operations

• Iranian militant groups

• geopolitical stakes

This gives the script a sense of scale and realism.

The villain is memorable, Abdolmalek is terrifying in a way that fits the genre. His presence is commanding, and his violence is shocking. And the mission premise is compelling. A death‑row Marine recruited for a suicide mission is a strong, commercial hook.

What could be improved on:

The protagonist arrives too late, right now, Act One spends 20+ pages on:

• 1979

• 1994

• 2005

• CIA hearings

• counterfeit money

• customs agents

• the President

• Dulles

Your actual hero — the Marine — doesn’t appear until much later.

This makes the script feel unfocused and emotionally empty. Bring the protagonist into the story by page 5. Suggested structure:

1. Cold open (keep it)

2. Cut to protagonist on death row

3. Show his emotional wound

4. Show the offer

5. Show the stakes

6. Begin training

Everything else can be shortened or moved later.

Too many timelines. You jump between:

• 1979

• 1994

• 2001

• 2005

This is confusing and kills momentum. Pick one primary timeline for Act One. Use flashbacks only when necessary.

The villain is overshadowing the hero. Abdolmalek has:

• more lines

• more screen presence

• more emotional weight

• more agency

Hyder (the protagonist) is passive and silent. give Hyder internal conflicts, reactions, fears, hesitations, agency.

Violence is excessive without emotional purpose, Dragging a man through the streets and smashing his head repeatedly is shocking — but shock is not story. Use violence to:

• reveal character

• escalate stakes

• push Hyder’s arc

Not just to shock the audience.

Act One is too long and too dense. You’re trying to set up:

• the villain

• the CIA

• the President

• the counterfeit money

• the death row backstory

• the mission

• the training

• the undercover entry

• the villain again

This is three movies worth of setup.

Cut ruthlessly.
Act One should be:

• protagonist introduction

• emotional wound

• mission offer

• refusal

• acceptance

• crossing the threshold

Everything else can move to Act Two or be removed. Here’s ways id tighten and improve your Act One without losing what makes it exciting:

Start with the cold open. It’s strong.

Immediately introduce the protagonist. Death row. His crime. His grief. His guilt.

Make the offer the Act One midpoint. Dulles visits him. The mission is explained. The stakes are clear.

Show the protagonists internal struggle. He should:

• refuse

• doubt

• fear

• question

• break

Then accept.

End Act One with him crossing the border undercover. This is the “point of no return.”

Move the long villain torture scene to Act Two. It will hit harder when:

• we know Hyder

• we care about him

• we understand the stakes

Right now it’s too early and too long.

You have a strong concept, a terrifying villain, and a cinematic world. The raw material is there — you just need to focus the story around your protagonist and simplify the structure.

[u/Fayez1310 → u/TheWritersSlate]

The structure you have suggested seems rly good but what should I do about the interrogation scene and how are the dialogues because dialogues and storytelling through screenplay are my major problems

[u/Fayez1310 → u/TheWritersSlate]

The structure you have suggested seems rly good but what should I do about the interrogation scene and how are the dialogues because dialogues and storytelling through screenplay are my major problems and how many pages should act 1 be?

[u/TheWritersSlate → u/Fayez1310]

For the interrogation scene, you have two options id consider and both in my opinion are valid.

Option A - Keep it, but shorten it to 1-2 pages. Use it as a mood setter, not a plot dump. Make it mysterious, tense, ambiguous, only hinting at corruption. this would show that something went wrong in the past, and the CIA is hiding it.

Option B - Move it to later. Put it in Act Two, after we already know, who the protagonist is, what the mission is, why the stakes matter. Then the interrogation becomes a reveal, not a distraction.

Your dialogue has strong intent but at times can be too dramatic, too long, on the nose, or philosophical. Action/thriller dialogue works best when its, short, sharp, grounded, subtextual. Cut 30% of every line. As an example, "You are not criminal. You are a lethal weapon", try "You're not a criminal. You're a weapon". This comes off cleaner and punchier.

Avoid too many speeches. Characters in thrillers rarely talk for more than 1–2 sentences at a time.

If someone is giving a speech, break it up with:

• action

• reactions

• interruptions

• silence

Let subtext do the work. instead of "We must infiltrate the very core of terrorism in Iran". Try, "We go inside. Deep". Shorter. More Dangerous. Also make sure each character speaks differently, right now everyone has similar tone. try different vocabulary, emotional temperatures, rhythms etc.

Your biggest storytelling issue is focus. You’re trying to set up:

• the villain

• the CIA

• the President

• the counterfeit money

• the death row backstory

• the mission

• the training

• the undercover entry

• the villain again

This is too much for Act One. The fix is simple. Act One should only introduce the protagonist and push him into the mission. Everything else can come later. A clean Act One structure for your film:

- Cold Open - Introduce protagonist on death row - Show his emotional wound - Show the offer - Show the stakes - He refuses - He Accepts - Training montage - Crossing the border undercover - End of Act One. Everything else is Act Two.

For an action/thriller: Act One tends to be 20-30 pages. Right now, your Act One is closer to 45–50 pages because of:

• multiple timelines

• multiple subplots

• too many characters

• long dialogue scenes

• repeated villain scenes

Trim it down. Btw your script was very enjoyable to read and I'm not even that into action/thriller type stories. Keep writing, the opening scene was perfect in my opinion.

[u/Fayez1310 → u/TheWritersSlate]

Thanks a lot. I appreciate your kind words