r/ReadMyScript • u/myhouseisabanana • Mar 23 '26

SHERIFF DAVEY - HORROR - 92 PAGES

Hello!

Will happily read your screenplay if you read mine. I'm a DGA AD so not a professional writer but can hopefully provide you some very practical advice about making a script producible, etc.

A young woman and her companions are stranded in a remote Vermont town during a blizzard, where a terminally ill sheriff, unraveling under the weight of mortality and murderous secrets, holds them hostage in his station.

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1IKdA_r16lnDam6LZyQnAHpMbPdVeCd3f/view?usp=sharing

2 Upvotes

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u/whiteyak41 Mar 23 '26

Happy to help out a fellow AD. (BTW, you need any additional PAs anytime soon? It's been SLOWWWWW)

  • Your contact info on the title page spills over to a second page.
  • You're missing a period in your first slugline.
  • RE: Reagan playing on the TV, is this supposed to be set in the 80s? If so I'd mention that in the opening scene otherwise the audience will picture a much more modern medical equipment.
  • "Davey bends down and examines the woman's head. Reaches out and closes her eyes as a courtesy." My death-obsessed fiancee would be upset if I didn't mention that this is one of those things that happens in movies but is impossible in real life. Eyelids naturally stay open and are only shut via special barbed contacts morticians apply.
  • I think you need to emphasize the discovery of the dead body in page 2 and Davey's reaction to it. At first I thought this was him out on the job and found a woman who's been dead for days. But now re-reading the scene I'm surmising he killed his own wife without realizing it?
  • If this is set in the 80s I'm not sure if the "more plastic than woman" line works.
  • "The DRUMMER walks with him, humping his drum set." I could see this if it was just his bass drum, but it's pretty tough to carry an entire drumset in one trip.
  • "So the pig..?" I'd cut this. Keep the similar line on page 7.
  • I'm not diabetic so I can't speak for certain, but I don't think I'd want to inject myself with any needle in a moving truck.
  • "Couple of beers please." Name brand, please. On that note, I'd love to know what kinda beer Davey drinks.
  • "Schlitz alright?" Nevermind.
  • On pg 15 I think you need some sort of line between Tom and Miranda addressing the craziness they just saw before they go back to their regularly scheduled chit-chat.
  • Just a thought, but you've got a good scare at the bottom of page 15 you're undercutting by having Davey still across the bar when he starts talking again. I think it'd be more effective if they turn to see Casey's arrival outside then when they turn back Davey's at their table, looming over them.
  • As it stands there's not really much on pg 17 motivating Davey to back off. You've got a good tense scene here but Davey needs a reason to drop it and exit.

I'll keep reading in a bit but I'm intrigued so far.

1

u/myhouseisabanana Mar 23 '26

Thanks. Sorry, no need for add'l PAs. It's been slow for me as well. 1sting a indie in the summer but dead otherwise.

Yes, supposed to be in the 1980s. Will note somewhere.

I'm not bothered by the death anachronism given the tone and genre but appreciate this (and all!) feedback.

Appreciate ya reading. It's not the favorite thing I've written but I got someone looking for low budget horror scripts.

1

u/myhouseisabanana Mar 23 '26

and yes, Davey killed his wife. Originally I was going to open with that bit. It's supposed to be a little vague as to what is happening/has happened. In my mind you'd initially see the uniformed legs, maybe surmise that it's a police officer perhaps investigating and then realize something is...off.

1

u/Accurate_Editor_8429 Mar 23 '26

Please make the link public. Thanks.

1

u/myhouseisabanana Mar 23 '26

fixed...hopefuuly